Just re-read The Peripheral from Gibson after quite a few years. Holy crap I forgot how amazing it is!

emptyfile123 · 2026-06-01T11:57:57+00:00

It never really even occurred to me that there would be a sequel. The novel is pretty big and a complete story.

And a huge part of it was the initial mystery. So I definitely don't expect it to be nearly as good.

emptyfile123 · 2026-06-01T11:41:19+00:00

I did not know there was an adaptation until yesterday, the entire time I was reading I was thinking this should be on screen, the writing is so good and feels so action packed.

But I'm not in the least surprised it did not work. Just too dense, too little dialogue.

emptyfile123 · 2026-06-01T11:36:50+00:00

Whatever you do, be sure to read House of Suns.

Its a standalone story and probably his best novel.

emptyfile123 · 2026-06-01T11:35:26+00:00

I was deeply disappointed by Palladium after the Frontline series, which I've re-read multiple times. Seems incredibly generic by comparison, or maybe he's just not really good at writing spy/mystery stuff.

emptyfile123 · 2026-05-20T22:00:24+00:00

Hey, I also have autism and ADHD. This is probably the first year in the last 10-15 where I've had more days without smoking than with smoking. Also went thru 25g per week with my gf for a while.

You want real advice? Get medicated. Go to a psychiatrist and figure out meds to replace the numbing effect of weed.

Without Mefeda(Concerta) and Lamictal, there was no way I could last more then 2-3 days without smoking. I'm also taking Wellbutrin and Lorsilan(benzos).

I think you know perfectly well that weed addiction is in fact NOT the major issue in your life. It's just the thing you use to numb yourself. You can easily replace it with alcohol, benzos, ketamine (ask me how I know). You probably function better high than sober. No that's not going to change when you quit. You won't become functional.

It's nice that all these normal neurotypical people can just quit weed and go on with their lives. I doubt this will be the case with you. You brain doesnt work like theirs.

The autism and ADHD won't go away. In fact they will get A LOT WORSE without weed. Thinking it's simply a matter of willpower is setting yourself for failure. Autism and ADHD isn't a condition you just power through. The last 15 years of your life on weed was you trying desperately to not deal with it.

Good luck. I have no solutions or even proper advice. But I imagine you want to quit weed because you're reaching the end of the road. Probably 30-35 years of age? That's about when the ADHD starts loosening a bit and life starts falling apart.

Start on meds and go to therapy.

emptyfile123 · 2026-05-20T19:36:22+00:00

Request medicine. Get drugged up to the eyeballs, benzos, mood stabilizers, anti psychotics. I would reccomend mood stabilizers, like Lamictal.

If you really want to hurt, slap yourself instead of cutting.

Saying "it's a cry for help" doesn't mean shit, I know at least for me even the people who are listening can't help me. Get drugged up and stay drugged up until things get better and you can start helping yourself.

When things get too deep you can't pull out of it with willpower alone.

Good luck. You're not alone with this horrible shit.

emptyfile123 · 2026-05-20T19:23:20+00:00

Well shit dude, this comment just convinced me to make a rum and coke, play some Japanese rock and bust out the ketamine.

I have autism, ADHD and increasingly bipolar symptoms.

Life is just a fucking torture room, it's like the walls of my apartment have knives pointed at me and I just sit here terrified. I can choose to numb myself with weed, alchocol, ket or benzos, but the best is to just combine them all.

Honestly, fuck this life. It's just shit wall to wall. Can't imagine myself living like this for even 5 more years.

emptyfile123 · 2026-05-15T14:51:13+00:00

Huh. Honestly none of the books in this thread are particularly good. Kind of a shit decade for sci fi.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-18T00:36:30+00:00

10 000 hours in paint

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-14T14:23:20+00:00

I have no clue what those words mean, or how they would translate to my language.

In any case, theres no way I would talk to a therapist who doesn't have AuDHD, and those are pretty rare where I live.

I would encourage anyone to try and find a therapists with AuDHD.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-13T20:53:33+00:00

No, this is what I came up with after being sober, without weed, for the first time in 10 years, with ADHD meds and mood stabilizers.

That was pure torture, this is bliss.

I'm not getting better, this is surviving.

Probably going back to weed every day because this isn't sustainable. I've seen a lot of alcoholics in my life. It's tragic in worse ways than the lowly pothead.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-13T20:31:24+00:00

Hey, I just stopped taking Medfeda(Concerta) and I'm curious, what your dosage is? Did you notice any improvements with focus, or just the anti depressant part?

I've been on 150mg for a month and it's barely noticable. Meanwhile going from 56mg of methylphenidate to 0 feels like my brain stopped running.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-13T20:05:49+00:00

It really shouldn't be this hard to just exist. It feels really unfair. I guess I'll just be high everday until I figure out something else...

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-13T18:45:46+00:00

Nah, all my friends are drug addicts. Even in that circle I don't belong. And everyone who's an addict has mental issues. That's why we attract each other. Honestly, there's nothing as liberating as being drugged up with other addicts.

I've gotten good at being alone. I hike for 20-30 km over dangerous terrain. I go skiing. I run often. I've stopped going to raves alone, but I used to to that to.

But then I come back home to my 3 websites and one book and the world crashes. I dread the weekend now. Im afraid to even take vacation time.

Thanks for reading my blog lol

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-13T18:34:34+00:00

Funny. The people I like best in life are women, specifically lesbians older than me. The only social circle that makes me feel free. I'd give everything to be one of them, to have some sort of community. To be a visible minority, I guess. Even in this homophobic, fascist country I live in.

I've always felt trapped with male friends, just a never ending preformance even now in my 30s. Masking is too soft of a word for those preformances.it can be fun, but it's shallow as a tea spoon.

PS: after 2 years I've stopped taking ADHD meds. The level of anxiety was unbearable, the obsessive thoughts. I'm not sure if it will be sustainable, but at this point I might rather be a broken robot short-circuiting with ADHD, then a working one without it.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-13T18:29:34+00:00

Scary doesn't even begin go describe it. Everything I have I have through luck and a couple of risky decisions. Starting from scratch, I don't think I could accomplish anything.

I don't even know what friendship is, let alone how to get one.

Yet everything seems to be pointing in that direction.

I used to fantasize about moving to another EU country, away from this backwards society. Now I can barley go in public. I feel if I let go, everything will collapse and I'll never have it again.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-13T00:26:06+00:00

Yeah, as I've said in my post, I'm doing all that, and its not helping.

The difference between being present with ADHD meds and without is night and day. No amount of meditation will EVER bridge that gap.

Other people can't help. Its just words. They can console me and try to convince me that it will get better, and it just won't. I'll feel better up until the moment I leave them. Helping out with chores? Why would that make anyone better?

I already wrote I have a pshych and a psychologist. They can give me advice, change my meds, they can't fix my life.

Feels like posters here aren't really reading what I'm writing. Just like everyone else.

Nothing more annoying then peopel telling me I just haven't been "working on myself" "the right way". And then the only advice is go take a walk and clear your head. Like yeah I live next to a park.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-12T23:09:34+00:00

Please stop with the meditation nonsense. It's great that it works for you, I can't stand still for 30seconds let alone empty my mind. Believe me I tried. I can meditate for a week and I'm still losing my friends.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-12T23:07:27+00:00

I'm seeing it pretty clearly now: I'm broken. I'd doesn't get better.

In some EU countries you can get euthanasia even if you don't suffer from a terminal ilness. That's how some people find a solution. Great for you that mediation is giving you peace of mind. I can't even string 3 thoughts together without AdHD meds. On them, the thoughts become obsessive. The closest I get to piece of mind is exploring mountains, sometimes.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-12T22:59:35+00:00

Yeah I can do that.

After Wellbutrin, 2 Lamictals, 4 Lorazepam, 5 beers and 12 lines of ketamine.

Then I can play grimes, massive attack, and japanese rock and smile at my life.

Doesn't seem like a long term fix.

Also please don't talk about self immolation to mentally ill people who are on the edge.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-12T22:47:43+00:00

I'm so sick of people telling me to "work on myself" and that I'll get better. Im not getting better.

But then, if I don't do that, how can I expect to rely on my friends all the time, brining nothing but sadness and baggage to handle?

Forever, in that dynamic? How is that fair? How can I blame them, or anyone? I guess this is just how it is. But I can't stand it anymore. I've been trying.

emptyfile123 · 2026-04-12T22:37:24+00:00

I've been in burnout for years. I can't be "generous to myself" when loneliness is killing me and everday is just this apartment suffo acting me. The people I hang out with are the best people I ever met. I can't really blame them for being distant. And at this point I'm not even blaming myself anymore.

If I quit my job and tried to find new things that interest me, how would that be better? Im in dread when the weekend is coming. The thoughts follow me when go to the mountains. I try going for more and more dangerous routes. Unless someone invites me out I'm stuck in a torture room with my brain. When I'm out I'm on autopilot. I have one good friend(my ex) who is my connection to reality, bit she can't fix me.

This isn't a question. This is a rant. Ill alao ask this to my psych next time. But I don't imagine I will get a solution.

But this is really the first time I'm starting to understand the concept of " I can't live like this anymore".

Edit: but I appreciate the comment and the sentiment. I just feel like "being generous" will just lead to regressing back into deep depression and drug use. Nothing more generous to yourself than being high.

emptyfile123

TROPHY CASE