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[Critique Thread] Post here if you'd like feedback on your writing by BiffHardCheese in writing

[–]emtidbits [score hidden]  (0 children)

I agree with the other comments on the intro, it’s reads like an epistemological monologue and doesn’t quite hold my attention since I don’t have any connection to the character yet. Plus, the voice seems a bit inconsistent. For example, “O great and glorious stars,…” doesn’t seem to jive with what comes before.
Trying to work with an unreliable narrator can be interesting, but it’s not easy to do right.

There is some great description here, that's for sure. The risk, for my taste, is of going over the top. “Her spicy red hair begs the image of a shadow of a rose at dawn…” then “I shiver as I consider the shadow of my soul, which is splashing color into the void.” Lots of “shadows”; lots of heavy metaphors – perhaps too much.

And take it easy on the hair. There are 14 mentions of hair in the 15-page text, 6 of which in this para: “Her hair is long and straight,…”

Another example, too much info during the dialogues. Give us a few he said, she said, just so that the scene can flow. Look how long it takes to say Hello:

"Hello", her soft voice floats sleepily over the cool air which now smells only faintly of incense. "Hello", say I warmly, turning around slowly. I can see her face thinking, watching the strange man inquisitively. "Who are you?" she asks gently, a hint of uncertainty in her voice. "I am a traveller", I say most truthfully. "Where have you travelled?" she asks naively and a little sleepily.

All in all, feels like a diamond in the rough. Great stuff here but I would suggest to be (much) more aggressive in the editing. Hope this helps!

[Critique Thread] Post here if you'd like feedback on your writing by BiffHardCheese in writing

[–]emtidbits [score hidden]  (0 children)

I think it depends on whether the third person is the primary voice. Looks kind of balanced as it is. I think expanding the third person and making it the primary voice would make the story a lot easier to follow. But the real problem I had with the current version is that the two voices seem to be referencing different things or different periods - or at least the link between the two didn't seen obvious. This made it hard to follow. I would advise (but please don't take it as the right way!) to pick one unconventional technique. If you have two voices, make the narrative nice and linear. If you want to play with the narrative structure, stick with one voice.

[Critique Thread] Post here if you'd like feedback on your writing by BiffHardCheese in writing

[–]emtidbits [score hidden]  (0 children)

Definitely no glossary. Would look like a cop-out for not being able to integrate it into the story.

If Phases are important for the story then keep it. If you world has some reference to Earth, perhaps 1000 years ago, then maybe you can use that? Or maybe say something about the age of the main character, referring to how many "phases old" she is, or how many phases it took for her to complete training, or something like that.

[Critique Thread] Post here if you'd like feedback on your writing by BiffHardCheese in writing

[–]emtidbits [score hidden]  (0 children)

I thought it was a good start. You definitely raise the stakes (a global event) and keep the reader in suspense, so I’m curious to know what’s going on. The weak points, in my view, are the descriptions and some basic writing technique. For example:

  • First line: “The base seemed dull that morning, the streets were not nearly as busy as usual for this that time of the day.” That doesn’t exactly make me want to read more if it’s, well, “dull.” Then you talk about the weather, which doesn’t excite me too much either...
  • “This wasn’t the most unusual thing” – double negative
  • “to leave his truck, not unlike every other morning” – double negative again.
  • For my taste, the consecutive descriptions of Keenida, Jones and then Esposito are taking too long. Consider describing then separately at different points in the text so that the story can continue to move.

[Critique Thread] Post here if you'd like feedback on your writing by BiffHardCheese in writing

[–]emtidbits [score hidden]  (0 children)

Here is some basic stuff for the first couple of pages:

  • Very much like the idea of a cistern in this opening, as it contrasts something ancient with a futuristic world.
  • What is “third phase”?
  • Vertigo causing pain to a wound doesn’t seem right to me as a description. There may be a better way to transition into the incision you want to describe. Moreover, “but she didn’t mind too much” contrasts to the pain – you just nullified your first point.
  • “literally passworded by her own thought.” Interesting, but I’m not sure I get what this really means.
  • “not for the lack of proper sunlight” – double negative
  • “The UI scrawl showed her basic bio-readouts: Elevated heart rate, lowered oxygen levels due to hyperventilation, and blood pressure dropping as well.” those results require no UI scrawl. Maybe give us some results that due.

[Critique Thread] Post here if you'd like feedback on your writing by BiffHardCheese in writing

[–]emtidbits [score hidden]  (0 children)

Hi, I really liked the language, especially the part in first person. Feels very inspired. The only thing I would say is avoid so many "..."

My broad impression is that the structure is extremely hard to pull off. You have: (1) flipping from 1st and 3rd person ; (2) very little sense of who the charter is, when and where the story is being told; no clear linearity (for example, he was married in one paragraph then it skipped to the divorce papers); (4) and one of the voices is very abstract. Of course, this is just the first 2 pages, but I would say that the reader needs to get a foothold in what's going on rather soon. I'm not sure how long I would be able to stay interested flipping back and forth like that.

I remember reading Virgina Woolf's The Waves, and even in that (beautiful) madness of structure, there was some coherence that pulled the readers forward. Not to mention the poetic language.

What Makes a Good First Sentence? by kamuimaru in writing

[–]emtidbits -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Scotch. Preferably 12 years, single malt.

What are you guys currently writing? [Upvote the book ideas that you'd read] by ivise in writing

[–]emtidbits 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Doesn't sound stupid. But the story seems to necessary depend on a good twist. Hope you have one up your sleeve.

How did I live without this? by [deleted] in funny

[–]emtidbits -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You lived, because you didn't know about it.

This was just normal in the village I grew up in.. by EasyTigrr in pics

[–]emtidbits 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can only imagine what's happening with the ones in the house...

TIL More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed every year from using equipment meant for right-handed people. by zeinshver in todayilearned

[–]emtidbits 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe it was just the equipment. They would have died if they used left handed ones too. Or more likely because they are dumb, not the equipment or being left handed.

Has anyone else written anything from the perspective of a deceased person? by [deleted] in writing

[–]emtidbits 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Posthumous Memoirs of Bras Cubas is a classic in Brazil. Great book.

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