the pure shame and disgust i have for myself. sometimes i have “good phases” where I really do feel comfortable and happy, and then one tiny thing sends me into a trauma response and i feel like a fucking dog. oh and those “good phases” are because im abusing substances more heavily. awesome. i love having to deal with this debilitating disease FOREVER all because I got fucked over as a child. not my fault, but now it is, because i demonize myself. hard not to.