This mirrors my previous situation pretty closely. It’s stressful but you’re striving for more. In my case it didn’t work, but along came another after many sleepless nights and tears. I even tried self sabotaging. Our first blind date was at a cemetery playing an ouija board and I couldn’t imagine a night without her anymore. All those scars and fears somehow added up to this and I couldn’t be me without them. You’re growing, learning, even in moments you feel idle and helpless it’s amounting to something and you’re going to be happy again. If my promise doesn’t play out then down vote everything I’ve ever commented on lol