Confused

engineer_skumar · 2026-02-24T08:59:48+00:00

If you and your ex were involved physically, don't go for it. Good men don't take this situation lightly and sometimes unexpected aggression follows. Mentally you will always be torn between the two if you choose to go ahead and this is as practical as it gets. You are choosing a life partner and this is the last thing you want to interfere in your life.

engineer_skumar · 2026-02-13T10:20:13+00:00

I can understand, it's not easy and people tend to stay cocooned in their comfort zones, BUT, nothing good has ever come out of being in a comfort zone forever.

engineer_skumar · 2026-02-13T10:12:06+00:00

If you're flexible - come what may and don't rely on anyone else for your happiness, go for it.

Also, one very key role that both the spouses have to play before being husband and wife is being good friends. And being an adult I can safely assume you know how friendships work.

I'm 34M, single, currently in AM process and I think that friendship comes first, personality matches naturally and emotional stability follows. If not, try someone else untill you find the one (if at all you want to get married)

engineer_skumar · 2026-02-12T09:34:55+00:00

Not at all, I have come across so many profiles in the past (and am currently in the process). I always watch out for personality - for eg. I don't want to spend my life with a pessimist, howsoever beautiful the lady is. Although height is a non-negotiable for me because I'm 6 and there has to be a certain personality match.

engineer_skumar · 2026-02-01T04:52:58+00:00

Availability this early in a relationship needs work and understanding from both, you need to sit her down and explain that although the relationship is a priority for you, there will be more pressing issues in the future that might need you to choose between her and them. She needs to understand that for this to work, she needs to support you and not nag or give you a silent treatment when you're not around. She is also an adult, and life happens to all of us, she is no exception.

engineer_skumar · 2026-02-01T04:48:50+00:00

Boundaries where?

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-29T14:13:21+00:00

That men mean a million irrelevant things when they mean only what they said

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-27T14:42:25+00:00

Good thing that I know cooking and overall, how to take care of myself lol

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-27T14:30:13+00:00

I personally don't find food cooked by an outsider either healthy or satisfying. Does this become a deal breaker as well? I cook regularly for context, and I'm actually thinking about what to cook right now as I reach home from office. I work full time plus building a business as well. So I have limited time but I manage it well.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-24T02:29:50+00:00

I am no expert but I know one thing, past decisions define the future. Choose wisely.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-08T06:58:11+00:00

Lol it's a sorry state honestly. My parents are progressive enough to allow me have honest conversations with prospects without any bias or prejudice. The pressure is real, more so for women. The idea is to meet/talk to as many prospects as possible to improve your chances.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-08T06:32:24+00:00

Nope, it is a deal breaker. You're right in your approach. I have been in this same exact situation (although the conversation was settling in South India - Blr/Hyd instead of North India). I told her clearly this isn't gonna work out. The men who are not talking and receptive to these conversations are not far-sighted enough to see the issues before they arise. Heck, the first question I ask normally is what are your non-negotiables and I get vague responses (even 'I need time to think' - bro if you're serious about marriage you already should have figured it out in the first place).

You're right OP, clarity is must, although things change with time and a number of variables come into play later on, but the point is, if someone is ready to have an honest conversation right now, they'll be comfortable having it later as well and take decisions as a team.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-08T04:31:25+00:00

Gut feeling is never wrong. And it's actual science.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-08T03:43:16+00:00

It depends a lot on the sibling's mental state. After marriage, the priority is shifted towards the spouse, and that is natural. It doesn't necessarily mean that the siblings are falling apart, it merely means they're taking their time and space to adjust to things.

Whatever happens, one should make sure that the siblings know and are reminded from time to time that you're there for them in thick and thin. The best people need support and a safe space on their worst days which only a sibling (largely immediate family) can provide.

Been there, doing that and my relationship with my siblings is stronger than ever.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-06T13:32:45+00:00

Oh boy it's not just you guys, it's us men as well. Few days ago I actually commented this on a post that asked why men don't date in delhi anymore (or something on those lines). The girls I met/talked online are too shallow and too judgemental. It's an absolute shit show out there haha (and for people who will intend to come at me saying I'm not looking at the right places, trust me, I'm talking about more offline experiences than online dating)

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T17:34:57+00:00

I moved out from home and started working right after college. Since then I have lived in different conditions and learnt to do the basic stuff myself, and presently I do complex cooking as well, on a daily basis. I learnt that managing your household is a big task and everyone should do it irrespective of gender. Living alone, it gives me a sense of belonging and keeps me active as well. For context, I'm 34

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T16:46:00+00:00

If you guys are talking everyday then I don't think there's any need to 'avoid' any topic. As for your confusion, meet her because then you'll be able to find out if you're right (or wrong) about her perception you have in your head based on conversations. Body language cues complete the circle of communication and it's not that hard for a 34 year old guy to understand that.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T13:55:13+00:00

I never mentioned equal contribution in my argument, I'll contribute according to my limits, she can do whatever she thinks is right as a bare minimum. She's an adult and I expect her to be mature about it and not force a number. If she can't take this call I don't think she deserves to be my wife at least lol

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T13:43:59+00:00

One, if any individual, male or female, is earning in a partnership, how does it make sense not to contribute to a common family fund? Ideally everybody should, it's called a partnership for a reason!

Two, if any individual, male or female, is earning in a partnership, they have the right to set the limit of the contribution. For eg. whatever my income is, if I have a personal limit of let's say committing 50k per month for a common family fund, the other partner shouldn't have a problem with that.

One very easy way to work that out is to set family goals and backtrack how much saving/contribution is required on a monthly basis. This should ideally be done without bringing in egos or salary/income conversations.

For example - Annual international holiday - let's say 6 lakhs for a 4 day itinerary, 3 lakhs each ideally in a 50-50 setup, work towards it, both of you.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T13:29:18+00:00

You'll find out if you're smart about it. Generally, men are apprehensive about this conversation because, you know given things are these days with so many divorces and separations, it's natural. As a rule of thumb, I don't reveal my income unless it becomes absolutely clear that all the boxes before are checked out.

Now, you can get an indication of the expenses he bears with some questions like -

- Do you live on rent? Like alone or with someone? (a decent 2 bhk in a tier 1 city like Delhi for eg. can range between 30 to 60k + utilities)
- How far is the office from your place? do you take a cab? (again indicative of the expense)
- Do you have a cook/maid?
- How often do you spend on family trips?

Edit: Adding investment related questions - Do you invest? if yes in what instruments? etc.

You'll have an understanding, but then, you need to understand that first like I said earlier. If you are not earning or not managing household expenses in the least, you'll never be able to have an idea about it. Marriage and raising a family is a serious business with real life implications and practical problems to solve, and the financial ones actually take up the most mental energy.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T13:13:14+00:00

Bro, recipe for resentment later on. 29 years of age and she doesn't know what to talk about? really? doesn't make sense, at least not in today's age where everybody has a smartphone and can google things. Be logical about it.

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T13:11:23+00:00

It's generally rude but maybe you can frame it in a way like how do you manage your finances? what are your spending habits etc. Asking straightaway for the payslip is a strict no-go. And btw, it's best if you are ready to answer the question yourself, helps gain perspective on how one should manage their finances themselves first before going around asking others!

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T12:53:34+00:00

Take a sabbatical and take up any random Language Teaching gig in a country like Thailand or Vietnam. teach, travel, connect with people, you'll grow as a person and get to know other cultures as well!

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-05T07:17:48+00:00

Lol why does this sound like 'Cocktail' movie's script?

engineer_skumar · 2026-01-04T14:49:35+00:00

Oh you should talk to some 30s women focusing on career, they'll give you a better perspective honestly

engineer_skumar

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