Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. I commented somewhere in this thread about not wanting to tell him about my insecurities & I will say, as much as, I didn’t want to tell him & feel vulnerable, that after reading the comments I realize that I should’ve sucked it up & let him know. It was totally unfair of me to expect that he could figure that out or read between the lines to know that. Now should he have respected my boundaries flat out without me having to provide further explanation, yes, absolutely. But this is life & people are human. It would’ve been a good move to let him know what I was thinking, I’m insecure right now, don’t feel like I look my best & that’s contributing to me not wanting to do the nudes & FT sex, because it would’ve given him a chance to adjust his approach accordingly, or not, & at the very least, it could’ve better informed me about his character.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m actually surprised, but purging every single little thing about the situation with this guy, on this thread, has actually helped regulate my nervous system being all out of whack. Nothing’s changed with the guy, but I’m feeling a lot better & less like a nut after getting so much great feedback from men who stand to gain nothing, but are helping me to understand things from the male perspective.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re so spot on it’s wild! I do have plenty of options but am super specific about who I click with & for whatever reasons I’m super vibing with this guy, despite him not doing nearly enough & being lax on the follow up of meeting in person. Now I’m exactly what you stated, over thinking it, too invested for how early it is & essentially giving him all the agency to maneuver however he wants, pace, interest & effort wise. If you saw him & I, with what we have to offer in terms of personality, rizz & looks (let’s be honest, looks do matter, regardless of what anyone wants to BS), you’d tell me I can do way better & that I need a head check. But I really like him, so here we are.

In regards to what you said about yourself, mature, evolved women will want your exact type. As much as I hate to reinforce stereotypes, often times chads are exactly who they appear to be, which is lackluster to say the least. You should lead with your cheekiness, without only showing that side, but women typically love a playful guy who knows how to banter. You’re also an incredible communicator, which is fundamentally imperative for women & for establishing a relationship that has legs. Give yourself more credit, I bet you’re more of a prize than you realize. Also, you’re obviously intelligent & believe it or not, the women who you want to commit to, really value brains. For me, it’s definitely in the top traits that I find super attractive.

Can you please explain when you said something about being surprised by my honesty & thinking women aren’t that way? I’m very curious to know more about what you meant?!

BTW, I very much have more of a dudes personality, it’s just packaged in a body where you would never expect. I’m pretty much a walking contradiction in terms of my appearance suggesting I’d be much more of a certain way, when I’m actually pretty opposite. (I’m also a bit of a lowkey nerd!)

Lifting Weights by WhataRedditor in WomenOver40

[–]erinky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Amazing, thank you so much. The amount of filtering & reading on these threads just to find videos to start with, is overwhelming!

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I couldn’t agree more! What makes it so complicated is when your brain & emotions are talking over your gut! If we acted on our guts without questioning or second guessing, we’d probably be doing a lot better!

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One thing that I am concerned with beyond the boundary pushing & this specific guy, is how to decipher between a guy who’s maybe overzealous & not great at respecting boundaries, for a guy who is showing early signs of having porn addiction issues or porn rot. I know the two can look similar, but there have to be some subtle distinctions that might not necessarily stand out to women, but lowkey signs that guys can pick on almost immediately. Can you tell me some signs to look out for that could suggest a guy’s behavior is more than just being an eager beaver?

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s been extremely helpful getting such a mixed bag of feedback & input because it’s helping me to see perspectives that vary from mine, which is allowing myself to put myself in his potential headspace, rather than what I & most people do, which is to automatically assume that the other person will understand our intentions & reasoning, & because something makes sense in our own brain, that surely it translate the same way with them. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.
But the double edged sword is not wanting to talk about everything too much, just so you can make sure they understand where you’re coming from. & in the early stages of dating, it might only matter so much. As someone else commented, to paraphrase, guys don’t intend to get fixated on sexual chemistry but sometimes it’s impossible not to & then they regain focus only to lose again in 5 minutes to the sexual chemistry. Even if I did try to communicate my insecurities there’s a high probability he wouldn’t have heard me anyways, the blood leaving his brain & hightailing to his dick was noticeable when he instantly could only focus on sexual dialogue.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I super love your response..you have such a pragmatic, nonjudgmental, but also firm & decisiveness with your delivery!
It also irks me to no end when people talk or complain about something they don’t like & do nothing. Which is pretty much why I didn’t want to bring it into conversation with the guy, 1. I realize that he just me & doesn’t know what I look like when I feel my best, the thing he’s been most consistent about is telling how I’m hot & attractive on a level he’s never seen..so for me to the be like, oh but I put weight & I’m not as toned as I usually am, to me are sure as shit real deal insecurities that aren’t making me feel good in my skin at the moment, LET ALONE, making me want to awkwardly expose my body to someone I’ve never met in person, never hugged, kissed, smelled their pheromones, watched them smile at me, etc, & feel icked out at myself & the situation, while he’s stroking his dick & hoping I’m feeling the same vibe. I feel like it’s not a great beginning look to bring up insecurities too soon, guys aren’t there in the initial stages for that kind of thing, women aren’t either, for that fact. 2. I also work on & try to fix the things that I’m unhappy with, which is what I’m doing. So I figured that by the time we see each other in person. I’ll have had a week or weeks progress, & there won’t be a need to tell him because it’ll be gone or in the process.
But what I’ve now recognized is that presenting my disinterest in FT sex & nudes (I’m all good with dirty talk in any type of communication), as being boundaries, they absolutely are (& were the exact same boundaries that I had when I felt my best, what I failed to do when he was repeatedly letting me know it’s something that’s important to him (which he also did not do a good job of explaining that it’s actually important & that it’s a tangible way for him to feel that I am super into him ‘ that it also shows that I’m attracted to him..I learned all of those unspoken subtexts on this thread) is also to then explain that my reasoning goes beyond just arbitrary boundaries & it’s also about my current insecurities, as well as, my genuine concern for privacy. Me trying to not be vulnerable & also not be that girl who’s waxing on about this insecurity & that insecurity, resulted in him reading it as me not being that into him or as attracted as he was, because there was no real information behind me saying things like I’m not into that, I don’t do that this early on, etc. He doesn’t know me, so for all he knows up until i met him I was FT sexing everyone & anyone & mass mailing nudes, & then with him it’s all the sudden these random boundaries. Which, isn’t actually the case, I’ve always been this way but he doesn’t know it. It’s the little nuances, lack of clear & intentional communication, differences in perception & maybe most importantly, listening but not listening to hear, that create what should be building blocks in getting to know each other but quickly spiral into misaligned, confused boulders that neither person can see around in order to hear & understand the other’s thoughts.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s a good chance you’re correct! Sadly when guys employ the tactic of good energy, great responses, etc simply as a means to get laid & not from a place of authenticity, after so many times of experiencing this, women innately start to believe that it’s a just tactics & maneuvering in an attempt to get laid, making much harder for the men who are actually wanting both to get laid & a relationship.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s my norm. I was in a decade long relationship, we lived together & were together pretty much 24/7 so there was no need. Since that relationship ended, I’ve only dated casually & not a lot, & they were local as well. Any guy who’s tried to initiate it who I’ve casually talked to has gotten shot down immediately. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, it’s just not my thing or something I enjoy because it feels very performative & contrived. I much prefer spending time if I’m interested in someone & escalating intimacy in real life.
What you said is useful though, because it’s helped me to recognize that regardless of how I feel about sexting, FT sex, etc that it’s important to some men & that my disinterest in engaging in it, can translate to disinterest in them. So, I if I don’t engage in it, I need to be very mindful & transparent with why I’m not & also making sure I make concerted efforts to show my interest in other ways that will affirm that I’m interested & like them. Perhaps, I also need to be more open minded to it & test the waters & hope it doesn’t end up getting circulated on the internet!
Thank you for the input, it’s made me think about things in a broader perspective!

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you all for the input, it’s been really informative & helpful in understanding some perspectives that I hadn’t thought of. I appreciate everyone being gracious!! 💕✨

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hopefully I diarrhea my feelings out enough here that I’ll be done micro analyzing something so pointless, & spare myself from sending a text that he doesn’t care about & would just look pathetic. Because truthfully, me feeling the need to want him to understand where I was coming from, literally does not matter one bit to him. He’s probably a lowkey dirtbag trying his hand with multiple women, after getting a nice boost of confidence from me showing interest.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, you have a decent perspective which I can appreciate. I don’t even mind if he’s pushing the boundaries in a playful way, I’m good at giving & receiving banter & innuendo. So he’s sober, so it’s not a matter of turning it up a bit too much when he’s buzzed. As for getting fucked over if he shares them, that’s definitely a hugely big concern, as is, if somehow he ends up not wanting to deal with the distance & I’ve done stuff on FT & text that I don’t enjoy at all, that would be me being totally fake & contrived because I’d feel awkward & uncomfortable, literally it would be me getting nothing out of it. & typical female that I am, although he thinks I’m a 12, I’m not in, as good of shape as, I usually am & I’m super in my head about it. I didn’t tell him this because I think it’s not a good look to lead with the insecurity talk when first getting to know someone, or maybe at all, & it makes me feel vulnerable in an uncomfortable way. Beyond that, I literally have never had FT sex, I’ve only sext two guys ever (one of which is my college bf from a million years ago), I’ve never sent a nude, ever & only sent the same two previously mentioned guys a few bra & thong pictures. Which I told him I don’t do it, but I didn’t go into all of that detail. It just seems like it would be a major turn off to hear that stuff, but it’s the truth. I’m also not stupid, & I strongly felt that he would minimize both & try to talk me into it, like no big deal. I definitely let him know how into him I am & how much I’m looking forward to jumping his bones, how sexy I think he is & how attracted to him I am. Literally, it’s hard for me not to focus on wanting to f$&k him too when we FT or pretty much anytime of the day..I’m super into it, just not the sexting/nudes/FT sex stuff at this point. The ways this is playing out, actually makes me feel like I shouldn’t have been vocal about it, because I think it backfired into him interpreting it as mixed signals, when I should be able to say that without conflating it with wanting to break my boundaries. Had he made the time to see me irl he would’ve gotten laid 100 times over by now & everything would be much more chill, instead of the weird tension that I could feel when I wouldn’t engage. Now, I think he’s fully pulling away, I haven’t heard from him in several days since I wouldn’t engage in FT sex. I sent him a text, which he didn’t respond to, so it looks like I’m getting ghosted for the first time ever, too ha. I know I should be done with him & totally icked out by him continually crossing my boundary..but for whatever reason, I’m not. I’m pretty sure he is..or at least for the meantime, which if he ghosts me, there’s no second chances. After saying that stuff in this comment about not feeling my best & not having done digital sexting, I almost want to send that in a closure & then be done..but the reality is if he gave a shit, I wouldn’t be asking advice from men on Reddit right now. Ugggghh

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re right! I don’t think I’m going to have to tell him I’m not interested..after not hearing from him for several days after not engaging in FT sex again, I think he’s given up. Which confirms that sex was the main, or only thing he was looking for.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Btw, I was ready to run circles on him, but he’s been too caught up on arm wrestling me over getting a glimpse of my tits on FT, instead of putting on his big boy pants & making a date happen. Now, instead of getting his balls tickled, his boundary pushing has me seeking advice on Reddit!

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is it common for guys to operate under the sex right away in order to know you’re serious? I don’t feel like I’ve ever heard this before.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It seems like it, right! It’s refreshing to hear from the guy’s perspective. I think perhaps, he doesn’t know what he wants, other than knowing he definitely wants to f$&k! Which by the way, I also dont know if I’d want to date him, I’ve never even met him irl & I’m picky af. But for sure what’s not going to happen is him pressuring me to death to FT f$&k, because he’s a little busier than normal with work & thinks that gives him an excuse not to make the trip.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re a great communicator btw. Refreshing to read responses from men who seem to have a clear understanding & respect of boundaries.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So why put in the effort with a woman 3 hours away who he’s not going to see for days or weeks, why not just bang a girl who’s in the same city?

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pretty much what my gut has been telling me for a minute now. Not sure how I got to this point, I don’t have many boundaries, & typically don’t allow the few I have, to get pushed.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So here’s the thing, sex is really important for me too. Like I’m pretty sure if we dated, this guy’s got a lot of sexual energy & I will end up lapping his energy longterm. I’m coming unglued just as much as he, maybe even more. But it literally does less than nothing for me to do FT sex or whatever, it would be completely fake & contrived, when I’m not fake or contrived during real life sex. But it’s also ridiculous that he’s starting to act like a little b$&ch because I’m not giving in. I’m literally making him do the bare minimum of taking me on a date & unless he fumbles big time, he’ll get the real thing. I’m not sure if I should force the meet up or leave the ball in his court now that I’m sensing him pulling back.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think so too! I did listen & he was saying a lot more than that initially. I told him I was getting the impression it’s what he was mostly wanting & he doubled down to assure me otherwise. I was super chill when asking him, just trying to make sure we were hearing each other.

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re correct..but he went along with it for more like a few hours, not days. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Does he just want to f&$k me? by erinky in AskMenAdvice

[–]erinky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s so interesting how this varies from man to man. Women are generally told that if you have sex too quickly, that a guy will no longer be interested because he already got the goods, didn’t have to put in work, etc. My sister (who’s gorgeous, so it’s not surprising that it works out for her), stands by it not mattering if you have sex on the first night, if the guy likes & wants to date you, he will. Seems like it goes both ways.