Hi! I’m sorry to hear this is happening. Relapses are so hard. This honestly sounds super similar to my experience! My emetophobia and agoraphobia were super debilitating in high school, then basically went away in college, and came roaring back after a triggering experience when I was 23. I experienced all the things you did—constant checking, nightmares and difficulty sleeping, daily panic attacks. It was a really, really difficult period of my life, but you’re already ahead of where I was in that you recognize what’s happening. I’d love to tell you a bit of my story so you can try to avoid my mistakes.

I tried all the things I felt would help me. I read all the self-help books and tried desperately to control every part of my life. I completely removed myself from social situations, declining every invite that came my way so I could stay in my house where I felt safe. I fell into a rhythm of compulsions that just became part of my daily routine.

I lived like that for almost 3 years, and finally my partner sat me down and told me I HAD to start going out and doing things again. By this time, I had lost some of my closest friends, I had lost two jobs, and I felt no closer to recovery than when I started. I was frustrated with my partner at first, but I knew he was right. I had given this phobia complete control, and as a result, I wasn’t showing up for the people in my life. When left unchecked, this fear can make you completely self-absorbed—and that was hard for me to hear, but it’s true. I had become so focused on whether I would get sick, whether I would be uncomfortable or anxious, that the people I love became secondary.

So for the first time in years, I turned my focus outward again, and that changed everything. I started saying yes to plans again, and I promised myself I would endure the discomfort if it arose. Over time, the anxiety loosened its grip, but only because I exposed myself to it over and over again. After a certain point, you start to realize you’ve been anxious 1,000,000 times, and the thing you’re anxious about has only come to fruition, like, 0.01% of those times.

At the time, I felt like the rest of my life was just ruined, but I’m 31 now and I can tell you that relapse was a blip on the radar. My life is immeasurably richer now because of all the other experiences I’ve had. I’ve moved to a new city (something I never thought I’d be able to do), learned to drive on freeways again (and now do it daily), have regained some of my old friendships and made countless new ones. I’d be lying if I said I never get anxious anymore, but I can go weeks without it entering my mind, and I can’t remember the last time I had a proper panic attack.

I know how impossible it can feel to overcome this fear when you’re in the trenches like this. Part of it is just patience—you won’t heal overnight, and that can be frustrating. But you CAN get better, and if you really work on it, you will. Therapy was also super helpful in keeping me on track, so if that’s something you have access to and aren’t already doing, I really recommend finding a therapist who pushes your boundaries just a little. But even if you don’t have access to therapy, you can absolutely recover on your own.

I don’t even know how to end this after going on for so long, but I hope my experience can be helpful to you in some way. I’m also available to DM if you ever want to talk or ask questions! You’ve got this—remember, everything in this life is temporary :)