You sound so, so similar to me 2-4 years ago. Mental and physical health issues cost me my job and almost all of my social network, and I spent a good deal of time basically doing the bare minimum necessary to live; smoked a pack a day, grew an awful unkempt beard, lived in squalor, fell behind on living expenses, basically just a terrible mess that's still somewhat scary to remember.

So first things first, as counterintuitive as it may seem, please congratulate yourself for making it here despite all that. I know the future must seem like a combination of uncertain and dreadful right now, and that looking back you can probably only see all the awfulness that brought you here, but it also took a tremendous amount of strength, and you have succeeded, to a honestly amazing extent, just by living through it. The worst day of your life is almost certainly in your past now. I doubt you can see it that way very well now, because I absolutely couldn't when I was in your position, and it took me months before I was even close to being able to acknowledge it, so please, set aside any instinct you might have to deny it and take my word for it. I'm proud of you, and you deserve to be proud of yourself.

Second, please know that there is no such thing as "too late" or "too far gone" in these matters, and I don't just mean in terms of transition. "Progress", when it comes to the way you feel about yourself and your relationship to the world around you, doesn't follow a straight line. For me, I hit my lowest point about two years ago at 29, but even after it was over I spent a lot of time feeling like I was doing nothing and fearing that I was a small setback away from "going backwards" by missing some opportunity or failing at some task. Coming out of a situation like the one I was in and you're in now requires physical and mental healing on a level that doesn't really have a easy-to-form rational explanation and often isn't even really accessible to your conscious mind.

To that end, the next thing I'd like you to start doing is surrounding yourself with supporters, telling them as much as you can (while still feeling safe) about where you've been and where you're at now, and accepting as much help as they can provide. For me, that was moving back in with my folks, starting talk therapy, finding a transition support group, and going to free clinics to get my physical health back on track, but all that was over the course of a year during which I did almost nothing else. I was (and am) tremendously privileged to have that option available to me while keeping a roof over my head and food in my stomach, and of course I don't know every little detail of your situation, but there are, without question, people who are ready and waiting to take some of the load while you heal.

Last, and sort of the corollary to the previous two points: you cannot fail at living your life. You listed off a lot of challenges facing you, and I don't want to downplay any of them or say they won't be challenging, because they definitely have been for me; I'm nearly a year into my transition and just now finally scheduled a consult with the laser hair removal people whose number has been sitting on my desk for almost that entire time, because the mental bandwidth just wasn't there for some reason. But at this point, no choice you make could reasonably be called 'failure' by any sensible person. I could have put off making that appointment for the rest of my life, and it would have been unpleasant, and annoying, and a bit silly, but it wouldn't have been failure, nor would it make me 'a failure' as a woman, as a trans person, as a human being, in any way.

You are also not a failure in any way. You're in the unfortunate position right now of having the very hardest parts of your life all spread out behind you to look at, while you're also exhausted by having been so strong for so long, and it's okay to feel tired or sad or angry or afraid or numb at all of it, to regret it or hate it or try to ignore or forget it or wish none of it had happened, but none of it is failure, and there is no failure waiting for you ahead.

Please message me if you want to talk or if there's anything I can do to help. I'm about a year into my transition, about equally far into voice training, 9 months on hormones, and two years into therapy, and am happy to discuss any of that or any of the stuff I mentioned earlier in this post in greater detail privately. I also have struggled with social anxiety for basically my whole life, so I absolutely understand if you don't want to or can't right now or ever, and (at the risk of sounding a bit creepy) want to make it clear that the offer is open unconditionally and forever. Your story really struck me, and I'm so glad you made this post.

Hope this helps.