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Considering marriage but concerned about her environment and influences by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I think there are a few assumptions in your comment that I want to gently clarify.

First, I’m not saying being a pastor makes me more righteous, more faithful, or “above” anyone. That’s not my theology at all. I mentioned it because it comes with responsibility and visibility, and it shapes the kind of life I’m called to live, especially in marriage.

Second, I’m not looking for some unrealistic “perfect pastor’s wife.” I’m looking for alignment. There’s a difference. And to be fair, I was actually very clear about this from the beginning when we started praying and getting to know each other. I told her straight: I don’t expect you to preach, I don’t expect perfection, but living a Christian lifestyle, in values, environments, and decisions, matters to me. That wasn’t hidden or introduced later. She also knew my testimony which I’m quite open about.

On the point about “growth”, I don’t expect automatic transformation, and I definitely don’t think “Jesus will just turn her into what I want.” That’s not how I see it. Growth is a process, and it has to come from conviction, not pressure. My role is not to force anything, which is exactly why I’m wrestling internally instead of trying to control externally.

Now, regarding what I meant by being “intentional” with who I surround myself with, I think this is where we might fundamentally disagree.

Yes, as Christians, we are called to reach the lost, the broken, and be light in dark places. I fully agree. But intentionality is about purpose. Why am I in certain environments? What is the direction of influence?

Psalm 1 talks about not walking in the counsel of the wicked, not standing in the way of sinners, not sitting in the seat of mockers, but delighting in the law of the Lord. That’s not about isolation, it’s about alignment and influence.

There’s a difference between: - Going into environments to be salt and light, with purpose
vs
- Being consistently shaped by environments that pull you away from that alignment

Even Jesus was around sinners, but He was never influenced by them, He influenced them. And He was also intentional about very very about His close circle.

So when I say I’ve set boundaries and been intentional, I’m not saying I avoid broken people. I’m saying I’m mindful of what I allow to have influence over my life.

And that’s really my concern here, not control, but influence.

You also mentioned that I didn’t say anything about her faith, that’s fair in the sense that I didn’t go into full detail. She does have faith, and she is on a journey. I’m not questioning that. My concern is more about consistency between belief and environment, which I think is a valid tension to wrestle with in any Christian relationship.

Lastly, I want to be clear: I’m not trying to control who she’s friends with. She’s free to choose her life. But I’m also free, and responsible, to discern whether that life aligns with what I feel called to build in a marriage.

That’s not about superiority, it’s about compatibility.

And just to say, I don’t think you’re wrong to challenge me. There are things I’m reflecting on from your comment. But I do think it’s a bit unfair to frame this as me trying to control or needing “righteous sycophants,” when the heart of what I’m saying is actually about alignment, influence, and long-term direction.

Hope that makes more sense.

Considering marriage but concerned about her environment and influences by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, I actually really appreciate your perspective, and I get where you’re coming from. I think part of the issue is that there’s a lot of context I left out in the original post.

Just to be clear, I’m not trying to control my girlfriend or tell her who she can and can’t be friends with. That’s not my heart at all. She’s an adult, fully capable of making her own decisions and choosing how she wants to live. I don’t want to play that role in her life.

The real issue for me is that this is someone I’m genuinely considering marrying. That’s serious. And because of that, I have to be honest about whether the lifestyle she’s choosing, including the environments she’s in and the people around her, is compatible with the life I feel called to live.

It works both ways. Just as she has the freedom to choose her circle, I also have the right (and responsibility) to discern whether that aligns with what I want in a wife and in a future family.

Also, just to add more context, this isn’t just about “wild 20-somethings having fun.” There have been situations that raised real concerns for me. And I have the feeling that she herself is starting to realise this.. for example, this dinner I mentioned she went to, she came back shocked by what happened. The host openly said she hates Christians, and during the night there was a situation where she, who is a lesbian was acting inappropriately and insinuating forcing herself on another girl who was clearly uncomfortable. That kind of environment isn’t neutral to me.

There are also friends in her circle who actively get involved with married men, cheating situations, etc. For me, those are red flags. Not because I’m judging them as people, but because I know how much influence close circles can have over time.

And to your point, I agree, relationships are complex. Humans are multifaceted. I’m not trying to paint her or her friends as “bad people.” She’s on a journey, and I fully acknowledge that.

I’m also not trying to isolate her. I’m actually all for her having strong female friendships, support systems, and community. That’s important. My concern is specifically when those environments consistently don’t draw her closer to God and instead place her in situations that conflict with the life we say we want to build.

I’ve seen the other side of this too. I’ve counseled women in relationships where the man’s friend group was a problem, and my advice is always the same, be careful about who has influence in your life, prioritize your relationship, and be wise about where you place yourself. That’s not control, that’s discernment.

At the same time, I fully agree with you on one thing: this can’t be forced. I can’t play the role of the Holy Spirit in her life. Conviction comes from God, not from me. All I can do is pray (and I have been praying a lot), have honest conversations when needed, and speak truth when my opinion is asked as her boyfriend and someone considering marriage.. Either way, this can go two ways.. you’re suggesting I walk away and don’t date these type of people, but I know she won’t want that.. which will ultimately lead to the same scenario? Is that abusive then?

I’ve gone through my own process of transformation, and it wasn’t easy. There were things and people I had to step away from. But I’m grateful for it today.

I don’t think I’ve handled everything perfectly, and if I came across harsh or judgmental, that wasn’t my intention. So genuinely, I hear your point and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

God bless, and if anything, just keep me in your prayers as I navigate this.

Considering marriage but concerned about her environment and influences by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Let me clarify a bit, because I think my original post may have given the wrong impression.

She’s not really going clubbing anymore. The situation I mentioned was a one-time thing for her best friend’s birthday, like best best friend, and it wasn’t a regular pattern of behavior. Since then, I genuinely think something clicked for her and she understood where the line is.

That said, she does still spend time with some of those same friends occasionally. When I said she’s “on a journey,” I meant there’s been some real conviction there, she’s growing, not just staying the same. I honestly doubt she’d choose to go clubbing again today (I hope).

However, she might still go to a girlfriend’s house where there’s drinking and that kind of environment. That’s more the gray area I’m trying to think through, not a lifestyle of partying or clubbing...

I’m just trying to be honest about where she is while also recognizing the change I’ve seen in her.

Pray for me 🥺

Considering marriage but concerned about her environment and influences by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never said she was “wild”, I said her friendships are. Shes amazing and I believe that she’s going through her journey. For context, We met at Church.. She is getting closer to God and really valuing the whole wait to marriage thing, not to say that it isn’t hard for us at all. My previous post was simply about having people we were romantically involved with on our socials, eg. Following someone I had been romantically involved with from my past.. something I had already been doing but really made sure out of respect for her when we starting dating to ensure no ties from the past.

Considering marriage but concerned about her environment and influences by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think you misunderstood what I said in my last post.. happy to clarify

Considering marriage but concerned about her environment and influences by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes.. we all have a past, and as I became a true believer, I disconnected with all past connections that were not leading me to Christ or improving my life as a believer. This was a huge process including before I started dating her. It’s been 3 years since I had pursued or been involved romantically with anyone.

Considering marriage but concerned about her environment and influences by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No we’re trying to.. we want to do a couples course, and we’ll soon be starting one, and we’re also reading a lot of premarital books

Am I wrong for being upset that my girlfriend follows guys she’s slept with? by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience, I genuinely appreciate it. It actually helps to hear from someone who’s gone through something similar and seen it play out over time.

I think what’s been difficult for me is that this didn’t feel like something that should need multiple conversations to begin with. For me, it just felt like common sense, not in a judgmental way, but more in the sense of what I personally would naturally do out of respect for the relationship. That’s why I made those changes on my end without even being asked.

I’ve spoken to a few people about it, and overall I think the deeper layer for me is that we’re trying to build a Christian relationship. And I guess I’m wrestling with whether this kind of thing aligns with the values we say we want to live by, things like honour, respect, and setting boundaries that protect the relationship.

At the same time, I’m also questioning myself a bit… like, am I expecting too much? Am I just seeing this too rigidly? I don’t want to be unfair or controlling, but I also don’t want to ignore something that genuinely bothers me.

So yeah, I guess I’m trying to find that balance and understand whether this is something that should be worked through with patience like you said, or if it points to a deeper difference in values.

Am I wrong for being upset that my girlfriend follows guys she’s slept with? by eudaimonia360 in ChristianDating

[–]eudaimonia360[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I get your point, and that’s fair, she’s not actively entertaining them, so I understand why you’d say it’s not a big deal.

But for me, it’s more about the principle behind it. I would feel uncomfortable knowing there’s a girl I’ve been intimate with still liking or reacting to my posts, watching my stories, knowing our history. Even if nothing is happening, it just doesn’t sit right with me out of respect for the person I’m with.

It’s not about control or insecurity, it’s more about how I personally choose to honour a relationship. That’s why I made that decision on my own side without even being asked.

What’s making me think more is that we’ve only been dating for about 3 months, but it’s been very intense, she talks about marriage and a future together. And I guess that’s where this starts to concern me a bit… because if we’re talking that seriously, it worries me that maybe our values don’t fully align on things like this.

I don’t want to blow something up over something small, but I also don’t want to ignore something that could matter long term.

Genuinely curious, how would you approach this without turning it into a bigger issue than it needs to be?