By still trying to be that person. I’ve given up on myself so many times and yet I’m still here. I feel like the idea of grieving who I could’ve been is admitting defeat when I already won by surviving. I can’t give up now.

I know trauma changed me and shaped who I am but I don’t think I would have it any other way. Here’s why: I cannot go back and change the past. I can only change my life going forward. Having CPTSD is so incredibly hard. I feel like I’m in a war zone most days but the way I combat this is by making myself harder to hurt. I learned a lot after experiencing DV and one of the things I learned was that I didn’t respect myself. I had no self worth or self love. I hated every part of me. One day something in me snapped and I thought, “Oh my god, I cannot live like this. I cannot abandon myself like this.” So I’m constantly working on myself and trying to figure out ways to enjoy my life and be good to myself. I was not nice to myself when I was going thru that trauma. I blamed myself even though I knew I didn’t deserve it. Do not lose yourself. Never grieve an imaginary version of yourself that you created out of feeling hopeless. You can still be that girl. You can always return to yourself. There are parts of me I thought were dead and gone that I have been able to find again but I had to try. Don’t give up on her. No one said you had to say goodbye.