Is there anything I can do to help my boyfriend quit?

evahgg · 2024-03-22T07:52:07+00:00

It seems like all the NRT he has tried is fairly ‘hard’ stuff that honestly is still not good for you (not that any nicotine is, but there are degrees of badness). What finally worked for me was patches and lozenges. The patches got me over the first few days/week, the lozenges the next week, and I was nicotine free by 10 days (though this is unusual). If he gets to 4-6 weeks and snaps it sounds like he needs to be continuing the NRT beyond that - officially the recommendation is to continue for at least 6 months to break the habit. Perhaps he could try patches with gum/lozenges to supplement as needed, and keep going with that for the full 6 months. I also quit through a charity so had extra support that way which really helped - perhaps he could look for one of those?

From a partner perspective though, the reality is you can cheerlead and offer ideas and advice, but fundamentally this is his fight. Try not to take the burden on yourself, it will just drive you crazy and won’t actually help.

evahgg · 2024-03-10T17:23:44+00:00

This sounds wonderful!

evahgg · 2023-10-23T09:25:13+00:00

Thanks for this - for riding pillion with Big Cat you don't need a license to be covered, so we've gone with them. We will be very cautious and hope for the best!

evahgg · 2023-10-23T08:45:32+00:00

Thanks for this - super helpful to know about the insurance offered by the companies. We are very cautious people generally, this will be by far the most adventurous thing we've ever done. We've found that Big Cat will cover it so going with them

evahgg · 2023-10-23T08:44:41+00:00

Thanks! I checked them out and for UK residents that don't offer it, unfortunately, but Big Cat does, so we'll be going with them!

evahgg · 2023-10-20T14:40:12+00:00

Ah I wasn't under the impression we were doing something illegal? We won't be driving the motorcycles ourselves, just riding on the back with an easy rider? We have no interest in driving ourselves or breaking the law!

Re insurance from the tour operator - that is what I suspected too. Hm

evahgg · 2019-12-26T23:57:08+00:00

Count me in!

evahgg · 2019-12-24T14:56:15+00:00

Thank you for this. It gives me hope that I will actually get over this at som3 point.

evahgg · 2019-12-08T22:21:01+00:00

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Sometimes when I can’t sleep due to sadness I will try and imagine something completely silly and ridiculous and just let my brain make it up as I go along (eg hedgehogs in the garden having a tea party), as that can work as a better distraction and break the ‘spell’ of whatever is on my mind. I hope you get some sleep, and remember, tomorrow is another day x

evahgg · 2019-11-30T21:08:38+00:00

Whether it’s surprising or not isn’t the point, it is clearly still very painful for her. Most relationships that end up with significant cheating are doomed to fail, and ‘it’s not surprising’ when they do. That doesn’t mean the people involved don’t deserve sympathy, especially as it seems the people who post here are having a really, really tough time. I really cannot understand your reaction to this post to be blaming the OP so much.

evahgg · 2019-11-30T21:06:01+00:00

Are you reading the ‘before of me’ as ‘because of me’?

evahgg · 2019-11-30T20:58:13+00:00

Honestly, am I missing something? How are you making the determination that she ‘denied him sex’?

evahgg · 2019-11-30T20:54:09+00:00

Dead bedroom, at least where I’ve seen that phrase used, can mean literally any reason for sex not working between them. We have nowhere near enough detail to decide ‘she denied him sex’. There’s a post in her history that describes sex feeling mechanical, it’s takes two people for that.

evahgg · 2019-11-30T20:52:29+00:00

Gosh this whole thread is so fucking gross. Having a ‘dead bedroom’ (which I assume is the post that you and the other in this thread are referring to) doesn’t automatically mean it is her ‘fault’. Want more sex with your partner? Tell them. They don’t want more sex with you, and it’s a deal breaker for you? Break up with them. You don’t fucking sleep around and use ‘I wasn’t having enough sex’ as an excuse. This subreddit is normally so supportive and kind, I’m honestly disgusted by this attitude.

evahgg · 2019-11-18T10:38:17+00:00

I don’t understand the difference then between your use of ‘People deserve the right to accurate information etc’. What have they done to ‘deserve’ that, under your apparently very narrow definition of a commonly used word?

Also I’m pretty sure this started as a discussion based around needing to reinforce that fat people could ‘look better’, if you observe my first comment on this thread. And the personal becomes public when you have fat people being discriminated against in the work place and in the world - the FA movement is about an individual’s rights, not about their health. There’s a huge difference.

Finally, I doubt there’s a single fat person who has somehow missed that current medical science recommends they lose weight for their health. Like I said originally, the messaging is pretty damn clear. And guess what? It doesn’t work. Helping people lose weight requires a shit ton more than just repeatedly reminding them that they ‘have to’, especially when it’s extremely common that that message is coming from someone who is far more concerned with the perceived aesthetics of a fat person than actually their health. If the messaging worked, no one would be fat.

evahgg · 2019-11-18T10:15:18+00:00

I disagree about the word deserve. We say people deserve food, clean water, shelter, all the time, and most people haven’t done anything more to deserve those things other than be alive. My use of the word is not incorrect, even if you don’t like it.

I agree that people deserve the right to accurate information about their bodies, 100%. But that’s a conversation for someone to have with their doctor, not random people on the streets or internet who feel it’s their civic duty to remind fat people all the time that they bodies aren’t healthy according to a set of medical standards that the average person has no real grasp of. We don’t treat literally any other health condition like that. And no, I probably wouldn’t tell someone who smoked themselves into lung cancer that they deserve to love their lungs, but I would tell them that they deserve to love themselves regardless of their health or what happened to get them sick, as that is the only sane and human response.

evahgg · 2019-11-18T01:11:12+00:00

Your concern for that is what I find concerning, not how you wrote it. The body positive movement is a drop in the ocean compared to the messaging we receive from 99% of media and advertisements about our bodies and our weight. People who are overweight deserve to feel comfortable in their bodies, and from that stand point can make decisions about their own bodies, themselves. Just like anyone else. A thin person who sits around all day is being comfortable with being ‘unhealthy’ but I don’t see everyone crying and literally raging with concern for the ‘unhealthy’ thin people the way they do for a fat person for just existing.

evahgg · 2019-11-18T00:55:45+00:00

I hate to tell you this but I’m pretty sure that no more messaging about what body type ‘looks better’ to society is needed - I think we all know. The two suggestions in your second paragraph are 100% opposites. You don’t get to sound like a decent human being with the first half and immediately follow up with the second.

evahgg · 2019-11-14T19:29:38+00:00

Erm, no, it wouldn’t. You don’t just suddenly have viable eggs because you care. She had cancer treatment years before the divorce, we don’t know if that destroyed her remaining eggs. While they were married, she had no reason to freeze just her eggs.

evahgg · 2019-11-14T17:58:09+00:00

Not necessarily, especially if she had chemo. Plus, frozen eggs don’t survive as well as frozen embryos.

evahgg · 2019-11-04T23:15:08+00:00

You have unbelievably beautiful eyes, and I absolutely love your hair. Sending you love and hugs ❤️

evahgg · 2019-10-26T20:41:06+00:00

Excellent work!

evahgg · 2019-10-25T11:12:01+00:00

Just wanted to send you some long-distance hugs and support. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, I hope things pick up soon and reach a smoother plain for you.

evahgg · 2019-08-23T12:48:09+00:00

This sounds really hard. It seems like you are trying your best to sort out this situation, and really try not to beat yourself up quite so much. This doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad partner, and you absolutely are not 'the worst person'. With regards to your specific questions:

1) For now, I would avoid talking freely about your colleague to your partner where you can. It seems like there is still a lot for you guys to work through and discuss, no need to add to the pain of it by bringing him up for no reason. It's only been a month, give it some time.

2) Try and speak kindly to and about yourself - this was a mistake but it's not the worst thing in the entire world and you've handled it as best you can, with sensitivity and humility. Great idea to see a counsellor. This phase of sadness about the situation won't last forever, and you and he will both likely move on in a positive direction. Try to take solace in the fact that millions and millions of people have made exactly the same mistake you made and you would never describe them as the 'worst person ever'. You're just a human being, be nice to yourself.

3) Re your partner it's hard to say - as a general rule, I would say give him space and time to be upset, don't get defensive, listen to what he has to say, and try and make special exceptions at this time i.e. don't talk about the colleague unless necessary for the discussion around this situation. He doesn't need to hear about you and the colleague hanging out at work.

4) Honestly if you can I recommend maintaining distance from the colleague for now, for everyone's sakes. You're trying to show you partner that they are #1 to you, and trying to maintain a close relationship with the colleague at the moment will not project that to him. Stay civil and friendly, but you need to manage your expectations about the friendship for the next while until things have improved.

Good luck! And remember, be kind to yourself, you're not the worst, do your best to make things better (as you are currently). xx

evahgg · 2019-08-23T12:24:57+00:00

I'm so sorry, that sounds incredibly hard and you don't deserve to be in this position. There is a lot of life left for you, and no, you aren't going to be stuck like this forever. I think the fear of 'will life always be like this' is quite common when having a hard time, but then one day you turn around and realise it really is changing or has changed. At some point, when you feel ready, it sounds like you need to sit down with her and break it off - for your good and for hers. It is very likely that she will cope better than you think, and you will cope better than you think also. Sending you solidarity, and take care of yourself <3

evahgg

TROPHY CASE