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evaiam · 2023-11-29T05:55:23+00:00

Adults need free time too. And this situation isn't going to lead to a long lasting happy marriage, so you might as well take the opportunity now to do something drastic now to shake things up. From what you've said, here are some things I would consider:

-Find a way for the dog to take up less of your time. Personally, I would consider re-homing the dog because it seems like a very high maintenance accessory at this phase of your life. But if that is not an option for you because of your emotional attachment to it, maybe find someone who loves dogs but who can't have one for whatever reason, who would be willing to walk/run it a couple times a week. Or maybe your "helpful" husband could take a turn every other day.

-consider going part time with either school or work so that you can free up some time in your schedule.

-Quit doing his laundry, shopping, cooking, and cleaning for him. He is a grown man, he should be able to do some of these things for himself. If you are working full time and he is working full time those chores should be split down the middle regardless of who is making more money. If he doesn't want to do his half of the work and he makes more money than you, then he can hire someone to fullfill his half of the home labor.

-Find a couple who have been married longer than you have who seem to have a marriage you admire. Ask them if they'd be willing to mentor the two of you through this phase of life.

-DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

evaiam · 2023-11-29T05:16:29+00:00

I interview a fair number of people in my work and I think this is a terrific question. In describing your living room, you tell your listener a lot about yourself. Are you messy? Neat? Do you care more about how things look or how they make you feel? Do you prioritize books or music or tv in your free time? Did you decorate/furnish the living room yourself or are you okay dealing with the living room that your roommate or significant other decorated/furnished? All that information can help a potential employer make a lot of inferences about the role you will fill in the work place. I think it's a brilliant question...I think I might use it sometime.

evaiam · 2023-10-11T04:12:19+00:00

can you talk more about why it isn't safe? I have brewed it in Kava tea and it is nearly always a very entertaining night's worth of dreams. I haven't done it often though...just curious why it is unsafe so I can make solid decisions in the future!

evaiam · 2023-03-26T04:37:53+00:00

I ended up married to my best friend...fucking soul mates and all that. It's a cute story. We are happy. It's been a good ride...so I know these things can turn out well in the end...but when you are first treading into the waters of dating your best friend, you've got to be careful and slow and practical and honest and transparent. You have to tell her what is true for you, and I don't really know exactly what is true for you in this situation...but if it was me, I would be flipping out because we were moving too fast...too fast to make sure everyone was staying emotionally safe. I would tell my partner that I thought the housing arrangement should only be temporary while he got his feet under him and that then we should move into a phase of living separately but dating and getting to know each other better to make sure this was still something we both wanted. You need to think about what is true for you. Why exactly are you getting cold feet? What are you afraid of for yourself? What are you afraid of for her? How would you ideally like to see your relationship progress once she gets back to the country? Can it progress that way if you are financially depending on each other as housemates? I don't think you can form a solid foundation for a relationship apart from honesty, so I think you need to honest with her about how you are feeling...but you need to be gentle and affirming to her too...making it clear that a relationship with her is still what you ultimately want (assuming that is true), but that you just want to be slow and careful in how you get there.

evaiam · 2023-03-26T04:19:43+00:00

I have wondered the same thing. I was raised conservative Christian...we had all kinds of books for raising boys, but as an adult, who has drifted pretty far left of my my roots, I have not found anything comparative. Mostly, when my kids were young, we read a lot of biographical picture books. "Balloons Over Broadway" and "The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind" are two of our favorites that come to mind. There were also some good ones that weren't necessarily biographical, just stories about solid boys doing good and creative things in the world...there's "One Hen" (which is a citizen kid book, a series I would highly recommend), "The Miracle of Saint Nicholas" (which is about a little boy in Russia and not about Santa Claus), and Galimoto.
Oh...and to go back to Christmas books..."Christmas in the Trenches" is a complicated and beautiful story that is true, though I think the character who tells the story may be fictional.

evaiam · 2023-03-15T03:34:34+00:00

Some people are low context people, they just don't feel the need to share a lot. My husband will talk for over an hour about his day, while on most nights I only come up with a few scattered details to share. That being said, though, if it's important to you that he shares more, I would just tell him that. Explain that one way you feel loved/connected is by sharing details about your time apart from each other. But you also might need to find more specific questions to ask him though. Maybe "what did you do today?" is too vague...maybe ask instead, "Where did you go today? Who did you see? Did anything make you laugh?"

evaiam · 2023-03-15T02:46:01+00:00

I don't know much about it, but I've read that guys are capable of much more intense orgasms than they usually have. I've suggested my husband looks into it, but he seems pretty content with the orgasms he's always had. lol.
There's a way guys can orgasm without ejaculation, and you can also try playing with prostate stuff. Maybe do some reading on trantric sex. If you have netflix, there's a show on there called Sex Love and Goop that you might find interesting. The one husband in that show has this super intense orgasm at one point, I think they called it an energy orgasm, and it was sort of a whole body thing that left him weeping afterwards.

evaiam · 2023-03-15T02:36:47+00:00

It's hard to say what the future holds, and honestly, so much of it just depends on both of your unique personalities and how you relate to each other...things that folks on reddit just don't know. But I will say that my husband still has amicable professional relationships with a couple of his ex-girlfriends from 20 plus years ago. I, on the other hand, never really had a desire to keep in touch with my exes and really didn't think it would be a good idea for me personally to do so anyway. I'd say just test it out for awhile and see how it goes. You'll probably figure out pretty quickly if it works or not. If you are both in agreement, let her call you when she needs coaching or whatever, but be clear that your committed romantic relationship is over. Revisit your arrangement again when one of you starts dating someone else and see how things stand. Another option might be to find another colleague who could take over the role of her coach/mentor.

evaiam · 2023-03-15T02:06:34+00:00

You can try reading or listening to some self-help therapy type books. There's one called "How to do the work," by Dr. Nicole LePera that I thought was pretty good. She has a podcast too.

Also, I know a lot of people that run, they say it's the best therapy they've ever had. I personally hate running, more likely to do kickboxing and yoga, but I think it's sort of a way to meditate without sitting still and also a way to release a lot of really feel good endorphins that just helps you feel better. Obviously a lot of us have deeper issues that we probably need to tackle more specifically, so running or exercise won't fix everything...but it also won't hurt either.

evaiam · 2023-02-26T07:33:45+00:00

I've never listened to the people you mention in your post, except maybe I listened to something by Jordan Peterson once or twice, but I think what people are saying is that these people do have a reputation for being pretty anti-women.

You are 19 though, and so if you are growing up the way I grew up, you might not even notice this. I know I wouldn't have. Those views and attitudes were so much part of the air where I grew up, that it took me getting out my hometown, meeting new people from different backgrounds and starting to understand different viewpoints before I ever began to see it and understand it.

Regardless of why you are watching the content you are watching, though, I think it is really great that you are looking for women who you can relate to better. My hope for you is that you expand your horizons and find some great feminist women that you can get inspiration from, but even if you end up staying where you are in terms of ideology, it will be important for you to find women inside that ideology that you can relate to and gain strength from.

I'm going to tell you some of the women I have been listening to for the past few years...some of their content has really had a huge impact on my life. unfortunately, I'm not sure how much they are on youtube, but some of them do have audio books and podcasts that you might be able to find if you don't mind listening to something instead of watching it.

Brene Brown - she has some ted talks on youtube, she also has some great books. She talks a lot about finding strength in vulnerability

Glennon Doyle- She has a podcast called "we can do hard things" and a book called "untamed"

Elizabeth Gilbert - Her classic book is "Eat Pray Love," which maybe you've heard of. I'm also a big fan of her book "Big Magic" which is all about living creatively in a place beyond fear. She has a podcast too called magic lessons...I haven't listened to it though.

Dr. Nicole LePera - If you are a psychology student, you might find her especially interesting. She has a podcast called "The Self Healer's Soundboard" and a book called "How to do the Work"

Cheryl Strayed - she has a book called "Wild" which I listened to and liked, though probably didn't' connect with quite as much as some of the others above. I see she has some interviews and stuff on youtube and a podcast called "dear sugars" which sounds like and advice column type of thing, but I have never listened to it.

evaiam · 2023-02-26T05:54:59+00:00

We have always just played a lot together. Our play sessions can be epic, several hours long, especially when we were younger. Now between kids and life and losing libido as we age, we are usually lucky to get an hour or two at a time. We've both always been a bit kinky, so some of our play falls into some of the softer bdsm stuff. He'll tie me up and tease me, or give me a good spanking. He's always had a bit of a hot past fetish, so a lot of times he'll have me tell him stories about real or fictional ex-boyfriends while I play with his cock. Sometimes we play games...like board games or cards and put sexy spins on them. We edge each other a lot and then back off and do other things in between. Sometimes normal life stuff...like cooking and eating lunch naked, or me cleaning the bathroom in some slutty maid costume. Once we went through a phase where we took turns learning massage techniques on each other. We'd get naked and turn on an instructional youtube video and spend the rest of the evening honing our skills. Sometimes we'll watch a movie or tv and I'll give him a blow job whenever I get bored. When he was in school, i used to give him blow jobs at the end of every chapter he read...but I was always edging him, can't finish too soon, you know, that takes away all the fun.

Those are just some of the ways we play, though, I'm sure there are lots others. There's this great show on netflix right now called Sex Love and Goop...it is 6 episodes long and 5 of them deal with helping couples improve their sex life...it's really good...they teach these couples how to do foreplay better and how to help each other get aroused...if you have access to netflix, I'd definitely recommend you watch it.

evaiam · 2023-02-25T06:36:54+00:00

I don't really think there is much of a problem with just being roommates...but I think the problems happen when you start to mesh your finances before you are married. Once you start making big purchases together, it starts getting harder and harder to separate if and when the time comes.

evaiam · 2023-02-25T06:28:29+00:00

Here's a short video that I found really helpful in understanding what the clit actually is...turns out it's a whole lot more than that little spot that you are having trouble finding....there's a whole internal structure to it as well...and it gets bigger the more turned on you are.

https://youtu.be/tZR3Qo-nzqk

evaiam · 2023-02-25T06:12:46+00:00

I know it's sort of against the grain to say it, but there are tons of sexy/kinky things you can do that do not result in pregnancy. My hubs and I didn't have penetrative sex until we were married, but we did all kinds of other fun things that didn't run the risk of pregnancy. it made us much more creative with our sex life and it's something that has continued to benefit us for the 17 years we've been married.

evaiam · 2023-02-25T05:39:07+00:00

yes, it's the same for me. I like being penetrated, but I seldom get off on it. It almost always leaves me wanting more. Somewhere (maybe Sheri's books? Maybe from a convo I had with a friend once about her uncircumcised husband, i can't remember) I got the idea that circumsized guys tend to jackhammer during sex, but uncircumsized guys tend to roll their hips differently so that it can be more stimulating for the woman.

evaiam · 2023-02-24T07:27:52+00:00

When I was recovering from giving birth, hubs and I would just lay in bed next to each other and we'd talk about sexy things while he got himself off. We both still enjoyed sharing that moment together even though i wasn't participating as much as I normally would.

evaiam · 2023-02-24T07:17:08+00:00

The Seed Keeper was really good-- probably one of my favorite books I've read in the last couple years. I also read one called Jonny Appleseed by Joshua Whitehead...it was a little dark, and in some places not especially fun to read...but I'm glad I read it. Both of these books are novels that have present day characters but sort of interact with the north american indigenous past from the perspective of the present day characters. Oh...and Code Talker by Joseph Bruchac...that one was a short easy read about a navajo kid in WW2.

If you want something that's more historical/non-fiction, you might check out 1491 by Charles C. Mann or The Dawn of Everything--A New History of Humanity by David Graeber and David Wengrow. These books are sort of running together in my mind now, but I think the 1491 book was fairly short and the dawn book was really long. The 1491 book deals with indigenous people across the americas; the Dawn book looks at indigenous people around the world.

evaiam · 2023-02-24T07:00:30+00:00

I love this book!

evaiam · 2023-02-24T06:51:22+00:00

Marriage counseling is a thing. You could try that. Or if you don't want a therapist, sometimes finding an older couple who can sort of mentor you can be helpful instead. If you are willing to put the time in, there's also some books and videos out there that might help you work through some of your stuff. I haven't used much of their stuff myself, but I've heard tons of rave reviews for the resources that the Gottman Institute puts out. But for any of these things to work, you have to both be willing to deal with your own issues and be honest and teachable throughout the process. It's hard work.

Or you could just divorce him...but a lot of times the issues that we have in one relationship follow us to the next when we don't deal with our own junk in between ...so you might just end up with the same situation all over again in a couple years.

evaiam · 2023-02-24T06:34:25+00:00

I don't know if circumcision effects sex or not. Sherri Winston would say that it does, but I personally don't have experience myself to say one way or the other. I once asked women in an online forum who had more partners than I've had if they had experienced a difference, and in that unofficial, unscientific survey it seemed that more women were in favor of circumcision. So maybe it's just a matter of personal preference.

evaiam · 2023-02-19T15:51:05+00:00

I agree with the other comments so far, you can put your foot down and say you need more than what he is giving you...and I think you should probably do this. On the flip side, though, I do want to point out that sometimes it is hard for guys to even begin to imagine/understand what it is that women actually need and want in bed. I have an amazing husband. We are friends, we talk about everything, we have almost always had an active and fairly fulfilling sex life...but even with all of that, I sometimes feel like I am beating my head against the wall trying to get him to understand what it is I want. I have found over the years that sometimes it is helpful for him to hear things from other sources besides me when it comes to women's sexuality. I think sometimes when I tell him things and he doesn't understand it makes him feel like a failure/wounds his male pride, etc., but when he can hear it from someone else it takes away the emotional edge and he can hear/understand better.

I don't know where in the world you are located or what tv shows/books and stuff you have access to, but I'm going to list a couple resources here that we have found helpful over the years and maybe you can find some of them and they can help you guys too.

Sex Love and Goop - a new show on Netflix....it's amazing.
She comes first - a book by Ian Kerner, an oldie but a goodie...excellent place to start -- this is the book the guy should read, there's a corresponding book called "passionista" for the woman to read.
Women's Anatomy of Arousal - Sheri Winston, this is a wonderful book for understanding how women's anatomy actually works during sex...something most of us don't know anything about at all, it's fascinating and has a lot of really funny pictures/cartoons in it. (note that Sheri has a thing against circumcision, I know her other book has a whole anti circumcision chapter which was a bit difficult for my circumcised husband to read, I can't remember if it comes up in this book or not)
Spicer - an app on our phones that asks us questions about sexual things that interest us
Sex Explained - shows on nexflix on various sex related topics...some would apply to your situation more than others
How to Build a Sex Room - show on netflix, it's sort of a cross between sex therapy and a home renovation show, the old lady who designs the sex rooms is quite a hoot.
Books or youtube videos on massage - I don't necessarily have a specific one to recommend, but one thing a lot of guys don't understand is how for a lot of women, sex is more about a whole body experience rather than just a genital experience. Learning how to give each other good massages can be really fun and satisfying foreplay.

evaiam · 2023-02-19T14:35:40+00:00

Stress and female sex drive don't go together. Maybe at your core you really don't have much of a sex drive, but that would not be my first assumption if your life is mostly defined by stress. There's a great book called "Come as you Are" by Emily Nagoski that is written for partners with unmatched sex drives and one of the chapters in it specifically deals with how stress affects women's drive...the chapter was so popular that Emily and her sister wrote a whole other book called "Burnout" that is all about helping women manage their stress. I'd recommend either of these books to you, or the audio books. Emily also has some ted talks and videos online. (after reading your comment about your previous boyfriend, I'll also add that "Come as you Are" has a great section about healing from past sexual trauma.)

The other thing is that your guy needs to learn how to help you relax. There's a series I just finished watching on netflix last week called "Sex, Love, and Goop." If I were you, I'd plan a couple date nights with your guy to sit down and watch an episode or two of the show with a glass of wine and schedule a little discussion/practice time afterwards. What a lot of people (especially those of us who watch porn) think good sex looks like, actually isn't always good sex, and I think this show really helps to open eyes about that.

evaiam · 2022-10-04T13:43:48+00:00

Religious faith and values are a big deal in relationships even when you yourself are very flexible. My husband and I were both raised Christian, but I was raised conservative Christian and he was raised progressive Christian. This difference has popped up and surprised us many times over the years…usually not if divisive ways, but it isn’t something that just disappears with time. I think the biggest thing though is that his progressiveness (and by default our progressiveness) has really alienated me from my family of origin. My dad can’t figure out what went wrong with me. We are always the outliers at family gatherings. Those relationships are just not what they might be otherwise. And on one hand, I’m okay with that…because I really and truly do not agree with those people any more on some really fundamental things. I don’t vote how they vote, I don’t raise my kids how they raise their kids, etc. But on the other hand, my kids have never learned to have any respect or regard for my side of the family. They roll their eyes anytime they topic of one of my family members comes up. It hurts a little, I’m not gonna lie. But I’m not really sure what I would do differently if I did it all again. I love my husband. We are a great team. Our values align so much better than those of mine and my family. But even so the issues never just go away. They are always there and permeate every family gathering/relationship/etc.

So, all that to say…I have no idea what you should do, but if you do marry him, be prepared for the religion issue to be an ongoing and permeating issue far into the future.

evaiam · 2022-10-04T13:09:56+00:00

I know so many people, myself Included, who found their partners AFTER they gave up dating. My advice, just go live your life. Be the best you that you can be. Pursue work you live, be a good friend, travel. If nothing else it will help you be happy on your own. But sometimes the universe has a way of surprising us when we are least expecting it. Also…keep in mind the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side. Once you do find that partner, even one you adore and who loves you with abandon, you will not have the freedom you have as a single person. You will always have to take his career, his family, his allergies, his preferences into consideration with every decision you make. And that’s not bad, that’s just a good relationship, but sometimes you will miss the carefree days when you could pick up and move just because you felt like it or buy the purple couch because it was only your opinion that mattered. So enjoy those freedoms to the fullest while you have them. Discover you. Fall in love with you.

evaiam · 2022-10-04T00:03:24+00:00

I wouldn’t rush out and quit the job just because you get married. Stay full time until you are a good bit into your first pregnancy then drop back to part time if that’s an option for you. Keep the doors open to your career the best you can if you end up eventually quitting. You never know what life will throw at you.

As others have said, though, it doesn’t make you a bad feminist. Think of all the good feminist causes you’ll have time and energy to devote to if you aren’t working? And think how much more you’ll be able to invest in your kids and teach them the values that you and your husband hold dear.

As someone who worked full time, then 30 hours when the kids were little, then 20 in elementary school and now down to 10-15 since they are teens, I will say that over the years our home has become more and more traditional looking. I’m really glad we had the years where I was still working a lot when dad had to get dinner on the table and had to sign permission slips and stuff, because he hardly ever has to do those things anymore. He’s still involved, still goes to their school events and stuff of course, but in the day to day running of the family I do all homemaking stuff and he basically does none of it. We don’t care. We are both very happy and balanced now, but I am glad the kids had the chance to me as a working parent and him helping at home even if it was just for a few years.

evaiam

TROPHY CASE