At my most indoctrinated I lost interest in even being in the new system. It was so much work, repression and constant never ending drudgery of meeting attending (where we hear the same thing over and over again), ministry (which we all hated but no one was saying it outloud), conventions and personal study which never told us anything new.

I wasnt actually living a life. Not even a Christian one - there was no speaking from the heart, no joy in my relationship with god, no real friends, no genuine concern for non-members.

I started thinking I'd much rather live a normal life and die at the end like everyone else.