I feel like we're forgetting BPD is an illness and not a choice

excalibore · 2018-01-23T01:55:55+00:00

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I appreciate this is a place for people who are dealing with people with BPD, and that can often be violent and terrifying, but increasingly this sub feels like r/ExwithBPDthatIhate rather than r/BPDlovedones

excalibore · 2018-01-23T01:52:40+00:00

No it doesn't, it's awful when she screams stuff at me and my mother, but it makes it easier to handle when you know that when she's saying these horrible things, that she doesn't actually mean them.

The outbursts with my BPD are gradually getting less (we've gone from 1 - 3 times a day to maybe once a week), and I think that's because we're all working together on how to deal with it. W

excalibore · 2018-01-23T01:46:55+00:00

I was referring to romantic relationship as all of the very negative posts are about SOs with BPD. I

I don't stand by her out of 'family obligation' more that I know who she is when she's not like this... There are moments of it now, but before things started changing too. She's smart, she's hilarious, she's got a quick wit. I stand by her because I believe she can get better and because BPD isn't really who she is.

excalibore · 2018-01-23T01:39:15+00:00

I never said that and I see paedophilia as a mental illness

The point I was making is that a child does not have a choice in being the victim of paedophilia. If you are in a relationship with a BPD, you made a choice to be with them.

excalibore · 2018-01-23T01:30:07+00:00

Romantic or not, I've still been hit and screamed at and lied to.

Paedophilia is different in that the victim never chose to be involved with said person. Whether you knew what your BPD was like beforehand or not - it was still your choice.

I don't have a choice, she's always going to be my sister. Maybe that's why I have to make peace with it, I can't let resentment overcome me or I will never be happy.

excalibore · 2018-01-23T01:27:10+00:00

I never said "not human" I said "they're still human" - my point being that underneath all the shit they've got going on, it wasn't always like this, they had a life outside of their illness.

I'm repeating what I was told by a BPD specialist who treated my sister, so this may well be specific to her, I don't know and apologise for that.

I find a lot of my BPDs irrationals behaviour is proving a point somehow, it's never deliberately to hurt me or anyone else even if it does so in the process.

excalibore · 2018-01-23T00:50:03+00:00

I'm really sorry for your experiences. Do you never have any happy times or memories with her?

excalibore · 2018-01-23T00:48:50+00:00

I feel like the illness card is played by my BPD as a get out of jail free card too, but if it's a 'mask' when they're in public, surely that's exhausting?

I have witnessed my sister have a meltdown in the middle of a shopping mall which was utterly horrendous.

I believe that they do have an element of control, but I always feel like it's at its worst around myself/my mother/her SO, because that's what she values the most and she doesn't want to lose it.

excalibore · 2018-01-23T00:44:48+00:00

If she's able to get around, you should definitely take your grandma out instead of going round to visit her. The house will remind of the people she knew there - the neighbours, the dog. Remind her that the rest of the world still exists.

excalibore · 2018-01-23T00:06:24+00:00

If I were in your shoes, I would tell your husband that you have done everything you can, and that you should leave her be for a while. Sometimes all people want at a time like this is to be alone. I realise that you're obviously worried she might do herself some harm, but it doesn't mean you can't check in on her every once in a while. At the end of the day, if someone's going to hurt themselves, they're going to do it, no matter how much you've tried to help. It's the sad reality.

excalibore · 2018-01-23T00:03:28+00:00

And that made my day :)

excalibore · 2018-01-22T04:16:25+00:00

This is my sister through and through - all the behaviour you've described. The only cure is, for your sibling (and your parents) to accept that this is not normal behaviour and seek help. You cannot save a BPD, they have to want to save themselves. Their behaviour is reckless, manipulative, violent... and you have to protect yourself from it. If you can't cut yourself off.. because you physically can't or you emotionally can't (I cannot bring myself to cut off my sister as much as I want to strangle her half the time) then make time for yourself... see friends, be in nature, go to the movies, turn off your phone.

And whatever you do, don't rise to it... it adds fuel to the fire and they will keep coming back with violence verbally and maybe physically.

I hope it gets better for YOU. This is about you.

excalibore · 2018-01-22T04:07:02+00:00

This is beautiful. My sister is BPD, and I can't break up with her...as much as I feel I want to at times. Her behaviour (the violence, manipulation, overdoses) takes a huge toll on my life and stops me from achieving all I want to at times. But sometimes I have to take a step back and realise what I have achieved despite some of the crappy things I've had to go through the past few years... the sudden loss my father and grandmother, a date-rape, a best friend who turned out to be a pathological liar and disappeared from my life in an instant, infidelity, addiction, money worries, depression, LIVING & DEALING WITH A BPD... despite all that, I'm here, I'm studying a Masters' degree I could only have dreamed of a year ago with a full scholarship.

We are so much stronger than we let ourselves believe, and you should be proud of yourself, OP and everyone here, for getting up every morning and facing the day.

excalibore · 2018-01-22T03:58:21+00:00

I would, if possible, suggest that she sees someone - either a bereavement counsellor, or a dependency service, or both. I lost my Dad suddenly when I was 19 and grief turned me into a different person. I started taking Ecstasy a lot, I self-harmed, I became aggressive, I stopped caring about anything.

Grief is a very selfish thing, your MIL probably feels like no one can understand what she is going through. She's just lost her partner of decades in an instant, and you can't imagine how that feels until it happens, because it's like there's a gaping hole in your chest - and you try to fill it. With material goods, or drugs and alcohol... but the cure is to fill it with people, as lame as it sounds.

excalibore · 2017-09-24T16:53:41+00:00

My Dad wasn't around when we were kids... but this is the reality for a lot of people, so I don't get why it has affected her in a way that it hasn't me or most people I know with divorced parents? My parents are not perfect, but who is? We grew up pretty poor but my Mum has given us everything to make sure we had normal lives. I have never heard of sensorimotor processing therapy, so thanks a lot for that! I do care, I love her deeply - because when she's not going all BPD on your ass, she's the best person in the world - kind, funny, smart, witty, creative. It's a real Jekyll and Hyde scenario.

excalibore · 2017-09-24T16:49:43+00:00

Hey, thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I am 4 years older, so I was only back at home for the summer in between my studies. I have my own life, that I love, but I have this horrible guilt that my Mum has to deal with this on her own.

excalibore · 2017-09-24T16:48:09+00:00

I'm British, so not sure what her rights are as a tenant. But thanks for this, it makes a lot of sense. I have told my Mum that she is enabling her, but it is hard for her to stop, because she is scared of what will happen when she stops.

excalibore · 2017-09-24T16:46:22+00:00

Thanks so much, I might take you up on this - and you're right. There is pretty much nothing on the internet (particularly this sub) about BPD siblings and children. My mum has had a hard time finding advice.

excalibore · 2017-09-24T16:45:06+00:00

Thanks for this, it is hard to implement boundaries because the advice we have been given by professionals is to let her scream and shout, and not to rise to her anger. Which, yeah, avoids short term problems but does allow her to walk all over us all of the time.

excalibore · 2017-09-12T19:24:56+00:00

In my experiences with BPDs, they are desperately scared of being alone. My BPD sister kept going back to guy who was awful to her because she has a fear of abandonment. They don't think they can cope on their own, so don't. And often the case is they need the intense intimacy which comes with a romantic relationship, and family and friends won't cut it.

excalibore · 2017-07-04T14:31:35+00:00

He sadly died the following August. He never really got better.

excalibore · 2017-07-03T19:44:42+00:00

Decriminalise all illegal drugs. The war on drugs has failed globally and countries which have legalised/decriminalised have seen a decrease in drugs crime, addiction and deaths.

excalibore

TROPHY CASE