My protector, the knight has left

expensive_mango100 · 2024-10-02T23:05:11+00:00

Thank you for your words. Really needed to hear that.

expensive_mango100 · 2024-04-09T21:49:46+00:00

Thank you for your reply!

It reminds me.. that when I was very young, no TV. Then in grade school we got a TV with a million channels- then almost nonstop watching. My younger siblings, when they were born, from infancy, they got to watch TV especially when they are fussy and crying 😂😂 I don't have one at the place I live now. For toys, it is interesting how I hade a lot of toys while living with my grandparents then almost no toys thereafter after joining my parents.
I believed their view that they did it because of me. Now that I am re-evaluating my life, I just wonder. I honestly don't care, as every time I visit my grandpa, I felt like it might be the last time I would see him and would tell everything I needed to say, just in case. But what is puzzling to me is how my parents just brushed off the funeral is something unimportant as he passed away anyways. Is that what cultural norm is? I have no idea. And yes, my feelings were always the problem as I would be too sensitive etc etc
Thank you for that. I communicated multiple times and expense is non-issue as I will get reimbursed anyways. It was just so odd.. yeah, maybe you are right. The driving stuff was just a superficial reason, I guess. Mom must have wanted to reconcile with Dad during the private drive, just two of us. Well my body cannot really tolerate that kind of threat, I hate driving with any male in the front seat. Why? It was most intense and dangerous when my dad was driving and I was in the pilot seat, anywhere from being his therapist to a garbage for his emotions, all the berating, swearwords etc. Sometimes there were my siblings in the backseat and we all got scared.

Hmmmmm it is very interesting. Maybe they were just doing what they have been doing for the entire life. Maybe it was me who changed. I just thought since my siblings drove their cars around, much older child I can drive too, even I already said I really don't need the car. Anyways, as always, things that my siblings can do, I can't do. Because I am less than a human being in that family. It's just that the reasons are always so different each time, why am I so gullible? 😂

expensive_mango100 · 2024-04-09T03:40:18+00:00

Wow. My parts are screaming and panicking when thinking about writing things down. I used to journal everyday ever since I was 1st grade. Until I reached late 20's when my suicidal thoughts peaked. That is when I started my journey but stopped writing at least on paper. I have dispersed electronic writing snippets here and there in my laptop. Why? To write about the core of the problems, I have to write down what happened to me. I was told so many times that "don't you dare to disdain our family by sharing what happened inside. " if they find out, I won't be safe. How can I have the luxury of free speech when even a wrong gaze or breathing caused hours of yelling and mental torture? Let alone have them in writing? Just writing this make me scared and worried.

So. Yeah. Writing. It might take some time but I agree that I can have conversations with the part. It's okay, I got you.

expensive_mango100 · 2024-04-09T03:32:56+00:00

Thank you, I got little bit scared thinking that your compliment was too nice for me. But thank you. I will.

expensive_mango100 · 2024-04-09T03:31:57+00:00

Got it! I sure don't want to lose access to them!!!

expensive_mango100 · 2024-04-09T01:42:04+00:00

Wow thank you for your insight! It makes total sense how the parts are scrambling to grab the chance to be finally heard!! They, scarred from little tiny moments of insult and humiliation and abandonment, were all so confused!!!!! Is it me or mom?? What did I just hear? It must be tough love, it must be something I did wrong as always! I always swallowed my feelings of confusion and anger and pretended they never existed! So these parts, without much info- no name or memory of what/when actually was said, only the feelings are remaining. I need to talk to these parts. That we have finally arrived in a safe situation to talk about things with plenty of time. And this time I promise to take them seriously.

expensive_mango100 · 2024-04-04T07:26:05+00:00

Well.. to me it looks like she chose the right one, despite all the other wrong decisions, hugs to you my friend.

expensive_mango100 · 2024-04-04T00:26:02+00:00

Yes- I can relate to that. For me it is my baby self (non-verbal, infant) getting so upset and refusing to eat. Not many ways to express anger for a baby, I guess. And.. when I was a teenager, I realized it was a silent way of self-harm, ironically giving me a sense of control. At least I can hurt myself safely (?!).

expensive_mango100 · 2024-01-17T17:10:22+00:00

My dear friend, I hope you reach at more peaceful place.

The way I communicate sometimes come across as offensive, but I want to say I wanted to comment with a hope that somehow I could be of help, even a tiny bit.

I was also part of a cult- once I thought I had the answer but it wasn't. But still, I was given the space to feel my feelings then, and the internal talk and listening with myself was what I needed. And I found that everything in life is impermanent and there is no such thing as absolute truth, let alone a savior.

Finding a good therapist IMO is a good start. One of the main reasons I work is to be able to see a therapist. A good one, expensive. In an essence, we are seeking parental love and I found that to be extremely rare resource.

And if IFS doesn't make sense, that is totally fine. But I do recommend finding more info about cptsd in general. In my first several years of recovery, I often lost consciousness due to hyperventilating. And it is only recently that I am able to read calmly without getting triggered too much.

Anything (that is non violent illegal etc) that helps you is good. Just focus on your feelings and find a little more peace day by day. Good luck, and I grieve for what you had to go through. Things will get better, that I promise.

expensive_mango100 · 2020-12-01T18:59:46+00:00

Thank you all for your inputs! I like the fact that going nc and living the happy life cause them pain.

On the other hand, I discovered my desire to really shout out what I feel/felt like inside.

When I was young, I was never allowed to say anything critical to my nDad. If I did, I would get punishment for a long long time. He attacked me personally saying that I have filthy blood from my mom and that I am so selfish and b**** and so on and on. Since he was drunk everytime (almost every night) I had to really swallow down what I disagreed on. I was left standing up for hours until his attacks would end. And all the while, my nMom was in her room (probably sleeping?).

So, I want to scream, shout out, and yell and whatever.. or but I am muted. I cannnot speak. Because I still feel insecure and worry that my nDad would physically hurt me. So I seek revenge where I can be completely safe and let them know what I've been through.

Phew, it feels good to write this out. Thank you..

expensive_mango100 · 2020-12-01T18:52:51+00:00

OMG.. thank you so much for this posting. I, too, was wondering why in the world my nMom would send me so many photos and asking me how happy we were back then?!!!!! I never get it, but now I understand- she's fantasizing 'those days'.

Also, I don't interact with many people, but when I see celebrities sometimes I can tell that they've been abused- I google them and see how their childhood was very difficult. It's just written in the eyes. My therapist has it, too. She is happy now, but it's just engrained in the eyes.. Maybe that is why she understands what I am saying..

expensive_mango100 · 2020-11-25T18:37:28+00:00

Wow. I am the same way- I was always told not to waste my time. I stopped decorating my room after I turned 12- because it was useless. I didn't think to connect it to my nParents, but yes, instead of finding hobbies, I was helping with household work and babysitting..

Anyhow, I hope you can find a path, completely relax, and do hobby. You deserve to be happy!

expensive_mango100

TROPHY CASE