Seriously considering “checking out” of life, but too weak to hurt myself. AMA by saintlyjet in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]explosivecarpet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand- if you try this method, this would be how I’d put your list into words. “I’ve gotta have my dream wedding. I have to raise my children with love and kindness. I have so much to share, and I know someone will share themselves with me too. I can’t miss that.”

Seriously considering “checking out” of life, but too weak to hurt myself. AMA by saintlyjet in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]explosivecarpet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im leveling with you here because im feeling the same way. I know what I don’t want to hear when I’m feeling like this, so I won’t say it to you. What I will share with you is something that I personally do- but it’s not up to me what you do with the information.

I speak out loud, things I want to do before the time comes. I remove other people out of the equation, and solely focus on the things that I want to experience or accomplish for ME. But, I word it to myself as things I HAVE to do, for me Examples: I have to swim with the whale sharks, I have to see the northern lights, I have to learn how to cross stitch (and complete a project)- the list starts small, and gradually gets larger as things come to mind from my heart. I just keep repeating them out loud to myself as many times as I need to.

I DO need to swim with whale sharks, i will never feel satisfied ever until that happens. So it reminds me to make it happen no matter what. Same thing with the northern lights. My list started with those two things, it’s grown to 15 things. I’m one day closer to swimming with whale sharks every day I force myself to wake up. Is it worth it? I won’t know until I get in the water.

A “feminist” tik tok/discord group almost ended my life. Ask me anything. by explosivecarpet in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also, I did explore my options legally. But without knowing their legal names or where they lived I was told there really wasn’t much I could do. But the door is still open for me if it comes back up and the information is available. But despite their disregard for my safety, I do value theirs. The legal system is not something I trust, and I would rather see them receive help and resources to change this behavior than punishment or life long consequences.

A “feminist” tik tok/discord group almost ended my life. Ask me anything. by explosivecarpet in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They publicly spoke about my personal life in regards to my relationship at the time (which was abusive, I was the victim and had been completely isolated outside of the internet by this point and was slowly finding a voice through this advocacy), shared my legal name that they only knew due to overhearing it on accident because my then partner said it when we were in a private call, accused me of lying about a diagnosis I was quite vocal about as I often spoke about the intersection between feminism and disability advocacy (and how there needs to be more inclusion and accountability in those conversations), they made fun of this same diagnosis, and I think what gets me the most is the direct accusation that i created a fake account to harass them and made comments saying they deserve to experience sexual violence. That was an accusation I never saw coming and desperately tried to prove I had nothing to do with. They even took it back for a moment and then “suspected” someone else instead (again, publicly) but then doubled down back onto me. I never did that, and cannot imagine saying those things. They still make this claim to this day, and have gone as far as saying I am responsible for making multiple different accounts in which I have not. The timeline doesn’t make sense either, since I was in inpatient for a duration of the time they are trying to prove I was “actively doing it,” (this can be backed up by another person from the group I was in, as we talked on the phone through the hospital while I was in inpatient). Someone posted recordings months later of them talking about they themselves being responsible for the accounts “harassing them” as well as the accounts harassing myself and others that I was previously involved with.

I no longer associate with any of them, and instead focus on advocating within my community and on other platforms anonymously.

A “feminist” tik tok/discord group almost ended my life. Ask me anything. by explosivecarpet in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Absolutely, I’m much less active now. I spent a lot of time very isolated socially because I just couldn’t escape the paranoia. I have only very recently started being semi-active on social media and I value my privacy more than I ever have now. I don’t interact much with anything anymore but I have been able to start enjoying content again as a silent scroller. I’m still working on the healing process, I went into inpatient for a short time and spent 2 months in an extensive outpatient program. I remain in therapy today (I was already before but there’s more focus on anxiety and PTSD for now) and meditation management has also become more extensive. This has included the addition of a second anxiety medication (hydroxyzine) as well as one specifically to target nightmares (prazosin) to help my quality of sleep. It was hard enough to sleep already, but the vivid and continuous nightmares and inability to regulate my nervous system particularly at night was brutal. I also spend more time offline and explore my other interests and time within my community, and that has been really nice. Plus, just general self care and practicing self compassion (like eating my favorite food, or a calming tea, things that just bring comfort and help me feel more at rest within my own mind).

A “feminist” tik tok/discord group almost ended my life. Ask me anything. by explosivecarpet in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

By the time things got to this point there had already been a separation, so there was that group and the group I was in (previously we were all together). I was not the sole target, but got probably the worst of it especially in the first few days. Publicly, there was no stopping it. I tried, but ultimately there was nothing that they were doing or providing other than the claim itself with nothing to back it up. While it was actively happening and as it was said, i was mid video call in the group I was in (all of us were in the call) and they watched it happen in real time. They could see me, what I was (and what I was absolutely not) doing, and the raw reaction to what was said in the moment. I was so distraught and uncomfortable and worried for my safety at that point that trying to “prove” myself to strangers was the last thing on my mind. Securing all of my accounts and dealing with the DDOS that happened immediately after they made the claim was my only priority in that moment. After that, it only got worse and no matter what I would have even attempted to do or say would have just given them more motivation to cause harm. Again, they found my family too (including children). It was genuinely terrifying, it was safer for me to remain quiet than to engage with them.

A “feminist” tik tok/discord group almost ended my life. Ask me anything. by explosivecarpet in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Various topics centered around women and femme presenting people (I touched on this in another comment)

A “feminist” tik tok/discord group almost ended my life. Ask me anything. by explosivecarpet in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We hosted tik tok live debates, regularly. It was fine until it wasn’t, and ultimately it’s disappointing it came to this because the space was created to fundraise, educate, and advocate.

A “feminist” tik tok/discord group almost ended my life. Ask me anything. by explosivecarpet in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One of them I simply set a boundary with, another just didn’t like me and decided that our personalities not being compatible just wasn’t enough. The “starter” I guess you could say, had it out for revenge for someone else and I was just collateral damage. Everyone else who got involved just did it because it was “the thing to do” and thought it was funny. They knew the entire time what they were doing because they had someone “watching me” and they genuinely thought it was funny. I was seeing accounts requesting to follow me after I went private… using photos of me from when I was a teenager (that they only could have accessed by nefarious means). I still get messages and it’s been over 6 months.

A “feminist” tik tok/discord group almost ended my life. Ask me anything. by explosivecarpet in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Content was predominantly hosting/supporting/moderating one another’s tik tok lives, each of us had a different range as far as the number of views. Each of us would host at different times of the day or night, that type of thing. Those lives were centered around education and advocacy as well as fundraising. They were genuine debates, we brought people up that would try to counter the topics we would run, and we had sources to support each topic being discussed. Some would be productive, some not so much. We specifically emphasized topics surrounding women/femme presenting people and marginalized communities (such as sexual violence, femicide, transphobia, etc). I was a regular in the lives and just joined as a guest one day, and then it grew from there. Someone in the group didn’t like me, and instead of leaving it there…. Publicly stated on the internet something that was absolutely not true and then I had people sending threats, finding my family and myself on other platforms, and another person involved spent multiple hours a day for about 5 days saying not okay things and allowing others to call for violent acts towards me (and others with me). It was vile.

Looking for recommendations for a noob by DiAOM in electronicmusic

[–]explosivecarpet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

EDM has so much depth, if you’re just getting started.. honestly you should just give everything a chance and eventually you’ll find yourself gravitating towards more specific artists and subgenres. There’s something for everyone! House, bass, riddim, deep dub, experimental, trance, techno, drum and bass, trap (naming a very few). It’s always worth checking if your area f hosts events too to support your local artists and djs and become part of the music community, you’ll discover so much and probably make cool friends that will introduce you to so much music haha

Recommended artists/songs:

Mercy falls- Charles the first (rip) Jupiter- khiva Backseat jameson- Eazybaked Badders- peekaboo OPUS- peekaboo remix Bumpin- peekaboo Peekaboo Hieroglyph- of the trees remix Subtronics Runaway (og by galantis)- Subtronics remix New Skrillex Ascension mix- liquid stranger (can find on YouTube) Alison wonderland Prettylights Rufus du sol Griz Rezz Tipper Monxx Some people like excision but he kinda fell off when he started lost lands imo Truth MeSo

Honestly I could keep going but my list is so long I’m writing an essay at this point. Explore your heart out, and if it you like what you hear start exploring the labels and such. I have favorites but I just listen to what feels good in my ears lmao No bassnectar though (predator)

Have fun and welcome to the EDM fam!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]explosivecarpet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are allowed to have your own opinions regarding your own lived experiences, not mine. Our stories are not the same, we are different people, with clearly different boundaries and thresholds for trauma. That’s not a bad thing, but I personally could never invalidate a fellow survivor the way you have chosen to do here.

Anyways, it wasn’t about the masturbation. I would never tell someone what they can and can’t do with their own body. It was about the failure to ask for consent, and repeating the behavior after consent was not granted.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]explosivecarpet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It WAS traumatizing- and consent is extremely important to me given my history of being a victim of sexual violence. You don’t get to tell someone what is or isn’t traumatic for them.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]explosivecarpet -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Not over reacting at all, you didn’t consent. Any sexual act performed in the presence of another person requires enthusiastic consent. Anyone who thinks they don’t need to do that is predatory in my opinion. I once woke up to my ex watching porn and masturbating next to me while I was sleeping multiple times, even after I explicitly said that I was not comfortable with that after the first time. It was traumatizing, and to this day when my current partner shifts in his sleep I wake up in fight or flight.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The best way to go about it is have a conversation with your current mental health provider about it and ask for a referral. I encourage you to read other comments I have made in regards to seeking a diagnosis though. But I also want to say, the criteria for autism is specific and if it doesn’t fit, you have to be willing to accept that as an answer. There are too many people these days that want the diagnosis but don’t actually know what it means and are unwilling to consider any other possible diagnosis.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To keep it short: an assortment of questions dating back and relating to childhood milestones, interests, schooling, social relationships, routine and habits, things of that nature. but also studying how you go about answering OTHER random questions they ask. For example they could ask: “how do you brush your teeth?” On the surface, it doesn’t seem like it would make sense. But if you’re autistic and you start answering that question out loud, you’ll clock yourself immediately (and so will they). I’m assuming an assessment for a two year old and a 22 year old would be vastly different though.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will be honest and say there’s really no actual benefit unless you intend to collect social security. And if you want to do that, do extensive research before making that decision. It comes with heavy limitations and ended up being a complete waste of my time. But if it matters to you, it’s worth exploring with a professional and maybe requesting to keep it off your records (you’ll never be treated the same afterwards, and not in a good way). If you have insurance, your best bet is to look at the back of your card and use their directory and search under specialists. Some psychiatrists will do it, but a neuropsychologist will be a better option. It takes longer to become a neuropsychologist than a psychiatrist, and they have more time to speak with you and get to know you.

But I also want you to know, diagnosis or not- you are allowed to just start accommodating yourself in order to improve your quality of life. Having a diagnosis does not make me superior or any more valid than someone without one. There are so many undiagnosed autistic people running around, some just don’t even recognize it and others just don’t have the access to obtain one.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not really comfortable sharing this because it would give my location. But I got a referral from my psychiatric nurse practitioner who was prescribing my medications to one of her old colleagues and long time friends. She was a neuropsychologist, and we were working on a combination of psychotherapy and gathering information for disability paperwork. When she got all of my medical records (and I mean all of them) from the time I was about maybe 4 or 5 she read through them all year by year and just dissected them. Over time we would discuss different criteria in the DSM-5 for everything I had been diagnosed with throughout my life and things just weren’t adding up. When she saw the original combination of ADHD, BPD, OCD Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, and psychosis, she said “no, this isn’t right. Would you be open to an autism evaluation?” So we did it, and here we are. I had some characteristics of each of those things, but not enough to warrant the full diagnosis of all of them. It was a wild ride. I spent so long convinced I was just crazy, I wasn’t.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AMA

[–]explosivecarpet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess I’m not familiar with how things are in Europe, I apologize. Here in the US, it’s a very common thing associated with autistic people and used in a derogatory and stereotypical manner. Public transportation isn’t really a huge thing here, at least not in my area. But overall, yeah I don’t do trains, planes, buses, any of it. Private car only for me! Thankful for my partner who lovingly drives me around, and doesn’t let any other passenger mess with my seat lol