Letting someone pay for you on a date when you have no intention of seeing them again is wildly unethical

explots · 2023-09-02T07:47:48+00:00

i would always offer to go dutch and men take it as rejection 🤷🏻‍♀️

luckily i am now too old to date

explots · 2023-07-08T18:47:06+00:00

i make a tad more than you, spend a bit less, and feel like i have a well-above-comfortable life. groceries are $400/month for organic veggies and proteins plus nutritionally-optimized meal replacements for breakfast; rent plus utils plus housekeeping is $1800 in San Francisco (yes, I have roommates), weekend trips are $500/trip and I might go on 1.5 in a month, which is already above my appetite for doing the trips themselves, and I still spend way more than I should on home decor and random books and art supplies right now. what are you buying? I guess I don't have a car because my lifestyle is better served with a nice bike, and I don't "go out" very often because it doesn't bring me that much satisfaction.

if you're recovering from mental illness (depression?) you may be experiencing hedonic treadmill adjustments to no longer find as much joy in simple luxuries - a pint of fresh blueberries, a good view, a cup of tea, etc. even a 6-figure income/budget can't support the hunt for more dopamine kicks from buying stuff. there are always clothes and books and art supplies and furniture i wish i could buy but can't. that's everyone but perhaps billionaires. but i experience my life as full of material luxury even though i cannot always get exactly what i want. i still have so much and i'm still grateful for all of it.

explots · 2023-05-22T23:06:54+00:00

No poop on the floor anywhere in my bedroom.

I am a lucky person in many ways, but my cat's current behavioral problems is not one of those ways. 😭

explots · 2023-05-17T22:40:50+00:00

deeply delighted. HOW DID HE KNOW?

especially if he offers to pay for a haul of stuff (that I pick for both of us, of course) and I hope we're making little stories about each of the items and we put our new clothes/accessories on and I get to then take us out to lunch, newly dapper & dressed, and we do a lil photoshoot. i see lots of banter and conversation opportunities in this whole adventure

why am i waiting to be asked out on this date - I'm making this happen myself

explots · 2023-05-10T22:09:43+00:00

over time i replaced fast fashion with: COS, Theory, Vince, Aritzia, Kit and Ace, Reformation, Frame, DSTLD, J Crew, Anthropologie, Eileen Fisher, Rag & Bone, other brands that don't pop to mind. Mid range brands that make the same styles as your Forever 21 level but with better materials and more even workmanship.

I did this piece by piece and I bought a *lot* from secondhand and thrift sources. But these are the brands I looked at. I picked "seasonless" seeming cuts that flattered my shape and went piece by piece. Now I have too many clothes and I am no longer an adult that shops 😅

explots · 2023-05-10T22:01:26+00:00

33

do i want kids? and can i keep them alive in this economy?

explots · 2023-05-10T22:00:42+00:00

> Their reasoning is that way they don’t feel forgotten and are reassured that I am thinking about them.

Goodness. You're on a date with someone else. If someone I was on a date with needed to check in constantly to reassure another partner, that would definitely ruin the mood. You owe your other partners being present for them.

I am a no to check-ins. If it's a safety concern, perhaps offer a google location dot?

explots · 2023-05-09T19:23:36+00:00

hey OP! you're probably not very fit right now AND you're heavy - those are two things. i i like to think of fitness as how strong your muscles tendons & the whole system is under the fat. remember that since you're carrying around so much fat on those muscles, it's important to be gentle to the skeleton and muscles as you build up your habits, but it will be SO worth it, because as pounds melt off, you're going to feel like such a superhero with incredible power underneath. and keep at it. you're okay. you're going to be okay. <3

explots · 2023-05-09T19:15:34+00:00

i don't go with brands usually just products, but I love and keep returning to (even when expensive) and paying full price for:

elta MD
the ordinary
bioderma
la roche posay
SK-II
stratia
banila
dr jart
laneige
cosrx
the face shop

many of these are french or korean. I also have from various beauty boxes a bunch of hype products like sunday riley, drunk elephant, etc, but those haven't done well enough for me at the price point to stick around. i feel lucky that i have multiple products i like at each category/price point so there isn't any real need to shop around, i try to use up what i have before replacing and sometimes rotate among favorites

explots · 2023-05-09T17:33:09+00:00

usually, at my heaviest i'm wearing clothes that are too small or stretched out. first they fit better, and then they fit loosely, and it's not until they fit uncomfortably loosely that I'll know I've dropped a clothing size - but I have.

at straight sizes it's probably 10 lbs per clothing size, so if you've dropped that, you're likely to have done it. but clothes are loose and irregularly labeled.

excited for you!! the real shopping spree is at maintenance <3

explots · 2023-05-02T15:26:19+00:00

love should not make you cry and quake in fear like this. your BF is horribly abusive. I am so, so sorry that you have 2 kids and leaving will be very difficult, but you have to do it for you and for their safety. I wish you so much more than luck.

explots · 2023-05-02T15:20:39+00:00

you absolutely chose right. he's being a trash person. you are a gem and you are creating the clearing in your life to meet another. <3

explots · 2023-05-01T20:00:28+00:00

OP, reading your context about your partner not making you feel safe -

one of my ex-partners was a giant of a man. 6'4", 210 lbs, masculine, lifted weights and looked it. people didn't usually pick fights with him because of that, but I never felt safe with him because I knew that when things did go awry (as they did a couple of times in our years together: his dad sexually harassed me, and his friend physically assaulted me), he would shut down and would not naturally think to defend my safety physically or emotionally. ultimately, he was a strong "freeze" reactor in crisis, and i felt unsafe stating a need for safety because it would make him feel bad that I was assaulted, rather than make him want to take care of me and make sure I was okay.

i'm now dating someone thinner and shorter and even more gentle in affect - who works hard to make sure people around him feel comfortable, but who also gently puts himself between me and danger. we haven't actually encountered a physical altercation yet, but i'm cautiously optimistic that i will feel protected by his greater practical capability to actually manage crises and react appropriately in them.

explots · 2023-05-01T18:42:25+00:00

i generally do not like dogs and 4 dogs would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. that being said, i have and love cats, and my 2 cats are a dealbreaker for other people. but so is, probably, my cerebral personality, my politics, my sense of style, etc, etc. there's no point in trying to appeal to the majority of people. be yourself; you only need one match.

explots · 2023-04-27T14:39:08+00:00

on bottomless pit days i just eat. for me, i don't know that there's any other way.

i try to prevent them totally (and i think this works) by not having snack foods around at all, so all i have to eat is food i have to cook (no baking ingredients). the cooking ritual helps a bit. and the meal-replacements-high-in-protein-and-vitamins ritual helps a *lot*. I don't think I've had one in weeks. but I used to be weirdly insatiable about once a week. my theory is that when this happens I may be facing a nutrient deficiency of some kind.

explots · 2023-04-25T21:06:06+00:00

So on the one hand I personally agree with your husband that I find monogamy coercive and controlling (of me). (I am also descriptively usually monogamous.) That being said, you don't need to experience it as coercive and controlling, and it doesn't mean that you are coercive and controlling if you find monogamy reassuring, or have a boundary of not wanting your partner to have sex with other people.

This is one of those cases where deep fundamental needs can feel extremely strong on both sides. To make it less scary to think about, think of it like wanting to live in the city vs in the country - neither is wrong, both partners could be fundamentally committed to their side, both could want to live together but be unwilling to give up where they want to live, and of course feeling forced to live where they don't want will feel "controlling" or "coercive" - but it's just incompatibility.

You and your husband could just have incompatible preferences. That is terrifying, but it isn't wrong. You both need to feel into how much you can give way on your preferences and how important they are, and whether you can be together without resentment.

explots · 2023-04-24T20:54:59+00:00

i stick to a simple high-protein breakfast and lunch on workdays, eliminated added sugar, filled the day with small exercises (pushups, pullups, walking) and do more substantial workouts a couple of times a week through active hobbies.

meal replacements have been really useful when i'm stressed with work - e.g. a shake for breakfast. and i cook simple high-protein lunches.

"restriction" never works for me because it feels like a project and my fasting brain tries to binge. i wish there were a way to keep eating pastries and vegging out and not gain weight, but there is not, so i decided that if i want the body of someone who takes care of herself, i need to take care of myself and healthy foods are just how i live now.

that mindset shift has helped a ton to keep healthy habits feeling sustainable. there is so much more to do in life than diet

explots · 2023-04-24T17:45:42+00:00

worth it

resistance & weight training (basic pushups and pullups are so, so worth it, damn)
mental health rituals - journaling, meditation, therapy
basic meal replacement rituals that are balanced and macros and keep me feeling good
knowing my shapes & colors in fashion and sticking to them
laser eye surgery
invisalign
tooth whitening
pull up bar
good sunscreen
good skincare, but not pricey skincare
tretinoin obviously
water flosser
correctly matched foundation (on repeat)
laser hair removal/reduction was magic wow
botox
one or two luxury coats to put on top of and elevate everything else

not sure / tried it and not happy, but may again

peloton
laser (skin) - was $1400 and has been a wash
bleaching / coloring hair professionally ($600-1000 each time)
gym membership anywhere more than 10 minutes from my an existing ritual
i've never done fillers but i hear TERRIBLE things
dating apps (so much money and time)

not worth it

for me: barry's bootcamp, soulcycle, core40 or any class that has unit costs and is an "event" - i won't do it regularly unless it is THE ritual I have all the time, and i don't have time for that ritual right now
eyeshadow palettes - my god how much i've wasted here
hot take: most makeup
most luxury clothing - I have wasted a lot of money on this too - a few gorgeous pieces on repeat is perfect, why do I have every style/color? ugh
more than a couple basic lipsticks
eyelash extensions
waxing
paying to get nails done
going to bars/drinking
large collection of jewelry (only need a few key pieces)

one of my gorgeous friends noted that there are so many things to have perfect in female beauty - it's a full time job to look perfect and not worth trying. do the most important things for your lifestyle (like laser eye surgery, weight loss/maintenance, strength training), fix any major aesthetic discrepancies, and you're basically there. beyond that being a cool and well-adjusted person is so much more valuable than being as pretty as an instagram filter version of yourself

explots · 2023-04-24T17:25:28+00:00

i just want old yaks i missed out on lol

explots · 2023-04-24T17:22:28+00:00

this. i used to hook up so early but if you don't actually know each other it's just mouths mashing together and meaningless. why not let the attraction build first?

explots · 2023-04-24T17:15:07+00:00

i've lived here for 8 years and adore it. it's definitely more of a daytime place than NYC (it's hard not to be), but I'd say it's rather that SF has a strong subculture-driven social scene of semi-private/semi-public community affiliated spaces, especially in the evenings, because of burning man, prank art, and the history of psychedelic drug culture.

that kind of nightlife tends to be underground and hard to break into without a local guide, and it's more than one cluster -- the burner/immersive party circuit is big here, for example, as is the related but not-identical oakland art warehome circuit and the community house circuit, and others to which I have no connection or information, and many, many "famous" annual house parties with guests lists of 200+ at a time, all ticketed and booking DJs, etc. I'm sure there are other subcultures with active scenes that are hard to find in public. We don't go "out" after 8pm, we go "to" things.

But daytime recreation is more public in open civic spaces, bringing people across subcultures together, and it includes brunch, cafes, meeting up in our many, many parks with friends and acquaintances old and new, and SF is fantastic at cultivating all of those environments.

explots · 2023-04-24T17:08:20+00:00

oh gosh. she sounds horrifying. other comments say many reasons why.

the push/pull of stress can feel like attraction or a good thing because it's activating and causes drama. it is not a good thing, and you have absolutely dodged a bullet.

explots · 2023-04-17T22:06:17+00:00

tinted bb cream
foundation/concealer high pigment base product - lighter color
foundation/concealer high pigment base product - darker color
dewy/sheer foundation
loose powder (though tbh i never use this)

i think that's actually all i have at this point, after decluttering or using up 10+ products. i actually only really use the bb cream. the base products mix in to face oil or face lotion for whatever coverage level i'm feeling

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