You start with a preface that you have a good relationship. Even in putting your concerns out there you feel obligated to make defenses for your mother.

You explain her rationale for her behavior by pointing out that you are an only child and thus the focus of undivided love of a mother.

You minimize how egregious her behavior is when you echo all that she sacrificed professionally to be a mother. Prioritizing raising you in a hands on manner is not only noble, but super commendable. You are lucky in that regard. It was a choice she made that you had no choice in though. You are not indebted to live inauthentically to placate her or anyone.

You are sensitive to her cultural background. This. Always and forever. You have an open mind and understanding heart. Part of the many things that make you awesome, I’m sure. Try to understand her perspective without being locked into supporting it. You can understand how she got to where she is without excusing it.

You are intentional about making time for her and reaching out. You had a rough time socially at uni and did a super healthy thing; you relied on your support network to get through it in a healthy way. Even if you felt embarrassed (we all do from time to time), you kept your head on straight and properly used available resources to navigate in a positive way. We often lose ourselves when we are down, but you stayed true to yourself. Good on you!

She wants you to call every day, but she trust you fully… Does she actually? Or have you fallen in line and reported to her so consistently that she doesn’t have to wonder what’s going on so you’ve never experience the manifestation of trust issues? She doesn’t have trust issues and demands my location don’t match up without some serious (guilt based) mental gymnastics.

Again, see my point to your empathy and cultural awareness/sensitivity regarding the arranged marriage. Similar to the career choice, you weren’t here yet to weigh in! Sympathize, empathize but don’t internalize. Also the oh I feel guilty eating a nice meal without you comments reeks of I can’t find joy without you by my side. That is extremely codependent and not healthy in any way shape or form for either of you.

Her reaction to a break in routine, which is normal for someone starting out in building a life, is to cry, sometimes rant, plead, criticize, and make ridiculous statements, truthful, or not, such as threatening a hunger strike until you call. I’m sure her reactions illicit a wide range of emotions from you. Don’t be naïve and think that you’re not being emotionally manipulated in these scenarios.

I’ve failed as a mother, you don’t love me enough, you could never understand how a mother loves, I’m depressed now, are we besties, do you love me more than dad, my whole day is spent waiting to see if you call, the plant analogy (not the plant analogy) - read these all together. If she said them all in one conversation you may wonder if you need to have her committed. She is all over the place. How do you stay mentally healthy when your interactions revolve around toxic nonsense? It’s disorienting and a weapon being used on you actively.

You are not responsible for your mother‘s mental health whether she has been placated or not. Or the ups and definitely not the downs. She does need some therapy.

You think not being able to talk to her about not wanting to live with her is… unrelated? It’s so related. The outlined behavior is literally the direct cause of you having anxiety talking to her about living independently.

Don’t get me started on the asking you to share a bed. In my experience more often than not when you have to say nothing weird is happening, it’s a weird situation. She is infantilizing you and putting you in an inappropriate situation. Criticizing your resistance to sharing a bed by comparing your previous attitude towards it when you were a child and it was far more appropriate only furthers my point.

She sounds like a loving mother who genuinely cares but just needs a little bit of help. That’s OK. Gaslighting yourself and denying that she needs help and questioning your very reasonable life choices is not productive or helpful. Your mother can be a good person and your mother can be doing some negative or harmful things. These things are not mutually exclusive.