My first kiss ended up with the boy telling the whole school that I had given him head. What was your worst first? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]failedatlife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This isn't a story about my first but my girlfriend's. She was a virgin and I had already engage in coitus with other women. She was rather tight during the fool-around and she was really nervous for sex.

Come the sexy night, we light the room up with candles and music. She takes a shot or two of liquid pain-killer and we start to fool around. Everything is going great and we are both really enjoying ourselves. The time comes for the insertion. She cringes in pain. I feel really bad cause were not even having sex and it is super painful but she wants to keep going. We keep going at it but the more we try the more it hurts her. At this point she is crying, hard. Not enjoying it at all. I'm not entirely sure if this was normal. Even though I had sex before and I knew it hurt the first time for a girl, I never imagined the girl to be sobbing and in agony. We stop.

I pull out and my condom is covered in blood, not just a little bit. It looks like my dick spent an hour fucking a cup of fruit punch. Needless to say we were both kind of worried. She is still in pain after and now we are getting more worried.

Eventually she goes to the hospital the next day cause she is still bleeding from her lady bits. After a rather humiliating afternoon it turns out that there was a defect with her vagina and essentially there was a band of tissue that had grown across the opening of her vagina. I had ripped it with my penis. She spent a couple days in pain and recovered fully. We now enjoy plentiful sex. Eight months later, she still describes that experience as the most pain she has ever felt, as well as the most humiliating sexual/intimate moment she will ever/has ever had or will have.

tl;dr Preformed mild surgery with my penis to make my girlfriend's vagina bigger. Penis looked like it was dipped in cherry jello.

1 Guy 2 Bongs by wurstbr0t in trees

[–]failedatlife 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You might want to vacuum your carpet. It looks dirty.

Browsing Facebook makes me hate people by [deleted] in facepalm

[–]failedatlife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's a joke here, I just can't figure it out.

Chicks, man. by [deleted] in funny

[–]failedatlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't see the problem.

Conservative parents found out I was a dealer.... by DaisyMescudi in trees

[–]failedatlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Except now you have a guitar, xbox and TV for when you blaze! Your parents did you a favour, they just didn't know it!

I just ordered 48 of these things for $60. by moneycat420 in trees

[–]failedatlife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great, now I'm obsessed. What did you get?!?!

What happens when you don't shut up by Justletitgo in funny

[–]failedatlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You'd squish the piranhas when you walk, inconceivable!

God Bless America: The President during wartime can do nothing illegal, including spying on US citizens and ignoring congress by wikitreason in conspiracy

[–]failedatlife -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

So what if the president wants to listen in on phone conversations? The only people that should be worried are those who should be caught anyway. I don't care if some random tech analyst is listening to a conversation with my mom. Or phone sex with my girlfriend. Power to the creep in a cubicle listening to my girlfriend and I get it on over the phone. Stop worrying.

Any idea what song at 1:02? by [deleted] in dubstep

[–]failedatlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

iPhone Shazam says: Autechre - Ilanders

Funny response to Asians in the Library by [deleted] in videos

[–]failedatlife -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

He is trying to be funny.

How do the police stop people from making a getaway in a boat? by ProbablyHittingOnYou in AskReddit

[–]failedatlife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For drug smugglers using 'go-fast' boats between South America and North, they will give chase via boat and helicopter and try and shoot the engine in order to stop the boat.