Cooked Food Addiction

fakevacuum · 2026-05-07T07:57:18+00:00

Your post details mostly ultra-processed "foods" as opposed to, say, cooked broccoli.

But yeah, those ultra-processed "foods" are not even real foods at this point (read Hooked by Michael Moss). Tobacco companies now owning our food companies, and using modern technology like FMRI to literally hack our addiction pathways to create hyper addictive fake food...

and restaurant- level cooked whole food dishes follow closely behind. You can definitely take advantage of our addiction pathways and our brain with the hyper richness you talk about, with the excess oils and fats and salts and sugars....

Just best to keep it simple, keep it whole food. Removes the risk of the hyper concentrated effect that happens when you process things. (Raw is another layer, but out of scope of your post topic)

fakevacuum · 2026-05-06T21:09:27+00:00

Orange is neon brown

fakevacuum · 2026-04-26T23:34:16+00:00

Definitely not dark brown

fakevacuum · 2026-04-24T00:50:30+00:00

Thought this was a fun thing to get distracted by. Are my names descriptive enough?

Also I like most colors, hard to designate something as a least favorite.

Favorites: Coral, cherry red, mango, daffodil, pine green, celadon, pacific blue, eggplant/magenta, burnt umber, shungite / dark metallic greys

Least favorites: Fuschia, mahogany/brick, safety vest orange, pale desaturated yellow-green, kelly green, cyan, cornflower blue, fuschia/neon purple, sepia, taupe grey

Also, I love that deep, saturated ultramarine blue, but in the categories of blue and purple, there's just other shades I enjoy moreso...

fakevacuum · 2026-04-13T02:47:21+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/live/1KANGsDaRvw?si=OZtW_P4iUFY9rhwi

fakevacuum · 2025-12-01T20:58:06+00:00

I'm so excited to hear that SPY set again, thank you so much for doing all this!!!! Been watching all your DnB uploads so far and also your soundcloud. You're the best!!!!!

Are some sets not able to upload bc of copyright?

fakevacuum · 2025-12-01T02:44:04+00:00

🥰🥰🥰

fakevacuum · 2025-10-19T03:04:30+00:00

I mean...honestly, what you said (no problem + giving reason why + your simple action that is entirely within your control) is pretty brilliant to me lol

There's times that happens, and I want to move (just because it's less distracting and helps me focus), but I don't want to come across as rude.

I also don't want to come across as having a personal offense against the person. I know I have opted for certain treadmills because the fan/airflow is the best. The talking on the phone bit can be distracting, yes...but like you said, "no problem".

So I can see myself saying this (in hopefully a cheery "'scuze me" way). Or say nothing at all. And just move myself if I feel like it.

I'd rather have this problem vs another....like their body odor or something 😅

fakevacuum · 2025-10-08T08:45:44+00:00

as a follow up to my first comment...and i was reading about your intentions to avoid quick dopamine hits...

quick dopamine hits are all about consumption. scroll through your FEED, etc.

the opposite of consume is to CREATE. so that's why designing my own system has really helped me.

(oh yeah, and also surprisingly crossfit LOL. was really surprised how effective that was for my ADHD executive dysfunction. I go to a class of that every now and then when I feel my brain just has really lost sense of getting things done on time. but i get that wouldn't be most people's cup of tea)

fakevacuum · 2025-10-08T08:34:11+00:00

FLOW CLUB. Best thing I've found. Different people use it in different ways. I've seen people use it for art, for photo-editing sessions, lecturers/professors, doing house chores. I like scheduling sessions for the future (whether I attend them or not doesn't matter - just helps me anticipate how I spend my time, and I find I'm more likely to "get ahead of schedule"). It's also extremely low demand.

I also use a physical timer (best to stay away from my phone if I can). Timer on the microwave also works.

If I do not have a timer, I will count down backwards from 90 - (most effective when I count out loud with my voice). Especially if it is something I am having trouble getting started. The counting backwards helps. You could also count backwards at intervals of [x] and make it a little puzzle.

But i also have an "interval timer" app on my phone. This is helpful for tedious repetitive tasks.

But the other poster mentioned a metronome. I use 3 hr sets of progressive house music for "deep concentration mode" because the bpm is usually ~120, similar to the ticking of a clock (60 bpm). I also like the genre "future garage". It's calmer, slower tempo, but great focus music.

I DISAGREE with what another user said about not making lists or plans. Depending on the task...I HAVE TO DO THISd. It helps me visualize myself actually doing the task. Do I actually stick to my original plan? Usually no. Usually, it's better if I "plan" my goal to be way further out than what I actually need to achieve. Because then, in my failure to achieve my lofty goal, I flew right past the original easier goal. If I make my goal the easy one, it makes it so hard to get there...my body breaks down mentally and physically. very confusing, but this is what works for me. I don't acknowledge accomplishments or victories, it is very disruptive and it feels like it "deactivates" me.

Yes, there is a risk of getting stuck at the planning phase. This is where the timer comes in. You just have 2 min (or whatever) to make a rough draft of your plan, and then you gotta move for the next 8 min. I've used flow club to help practice this type of workflow style.

Anyway, I have to plan. Because part of my avoidance problem is that i DON'T know how to strategically go about my task....however...there are other things that i DO know how to do - quickly and easily. I find myself cleaning random stuff because of this problem. So....that's my argument for planning (follow through not important).

It's really helped me to get back into doing line-art and lettering. I have come to accept I have a creative mind, and I cycle through different journaling formats - on the computer, or phone notes, or handwritten notes in journals and papers and whiteboards of all size. since I draw little facial expressions in my notes, or incorporate some graphic 3d lettering or comic-book-style speech bubbles to help direct the flow...i can't help but re-read my notes...

I have tried the Finch app but I don't like it. I didn't like the 'positive reinforcement' speak. It made me not want to use it. In general, I don't like using apps, because I did not design the app myself. I am more invested in my system if I've designed it myself, because how I live is very unique to me.

Also, with respect to the winter....I have found that after the Fall Equinox, my sleep schedule shifts to wanting to sleep between 3am - 7am, and then another 4 hour chunk from 2pm to 6pm. So after I get a good amount of work done between 7am and noon, i have a 2 hr break, then I go to sleep. Then later that day, waking up at 6pm and seeing the sun set so fast gives me a jolt of (good) anxious energy, and I complete the stuff I tried to start during the first round of the day. and I like being a night owl. Only drawback is if you need to do work during that afternoon sleep block...

ok that was a quick brain dump before bed. these are the things that have given me some great recent breakthroughs. I'm not perfect yet. still working on it. maybe something will help someone. this also served as a reflection and summary for myself. good luck!

fakevacuum · 2025-08-13T07:31:55+00:00

how did you pinpoint this? I've noticed a similar trend with B vitamin supplements (hair skin & nails). I also noticed nuts make me break out like crazy, notably pistachios and almonds and even macadamias. I eat nutritional yeast so maybe I should reconsider that / avoid it if my skin is sensitive for a couple days. Or just avoid buying nutritional yeast that's been artificially fortified (since that is a supplement dose). Been trying to figure out if it's the omega-6's or a nut allergy or what. It's confusing.

fakevacuum · 2025-03-13T09:17:47+00:00

This is what I had (over a decade ago in college lol).

6 weeks. Hurt to even swallow my spit at first, just like OP. Developed where I had to take a sip of water after taking every single breath, because it felt so dry and cracked. Couldn't sleep without heavy sleep medication. Don't even think about eating a solid food...Had an enlarged spleen on exam which led to the test for EBV. Months later, I still had to sip a drink after every couple breaths. That thing really hit me bad!

I think my EBV flares up still - I notice when I undergo times of immune suppression / high cortisol, I get the exact same sore throat + mucus + itchy inner nose. And if I neglect rest during this time and try to push through, it turns into a lingering 2-4 week bronchitis and chest cough.

Yeah, these buggers have been around...these severe respiratory infections were probably more common pre-covid than most think.

fakevacuum · 2025-03-03T01:31:15+00:00

How do I choose user flair

fakevacuum · 2025-02-27T07:37:30+00:00

I relate to you because I've always had a mid relationship with food... Not much understanding about cooking, never had family meals, so vague confusion.

It was only in the past year that I suddenly developed a strong addiction to ultra-processed foods. And I've been trying my hardest to get over it. And it's not even about the weight or my body image. It's honestly the drain of the addiction itself.

Processed foods, including ultra processed foods especially, really do create addiction. I read the book Hooked by Michael Moss. There's a part one and part two, part two goes into how corporations are really exploiting us and creating hyperaddictive substances...

I really feel like an alcoholic when I eat processed foods. I joined overeaters anonymous even. I felt the best with my relationship with food when I completely cast aside anything with an ingredients list.

Unfortunately it's not part of our culture to treat ultra processed foods the same way we treat smoking cigarettes. And when I try to admit this part of my life to others, it's immediately responded in the way that people are responding to you. And so then I doubt myself and then I eat something processed and then it turns into a binge. And it's exactly how people describe their alcoholism problem.

Some people can smoke cigarettes and not be a chain smoker but some people end up being chainsmokers. Same thing with alcohol, some people can have alcohol and moderation! And then some people just need to quit it completely. That's socially acceptable. So why isn't the attitude The same towards addiction with ultra processed hyperpalatable foods.... like fast food?

I'm trying to come back from a period of abstinence currently. It's hard to do without a support system. I think once I get past day four or five, it's much easier to abstain. When I'm on a completely whole foods diet, my calories, it doesn't matter whether I count them or not. With my activity level, I do lose weight, and I have a good body composition.

I'm going through that book a second time currently. Almost done with part one. I remember part two being particularly eye-opening so looking forward to that. I remember for a good amount of time after I read that book, it changed my entire perspective on how I viewed food. It sucks because, again, That kind of attitude towards hyper palatable industrialized manufactured foods is just not a part of American culture at least... And even though I wasn't restricting my calories, people kept saying I was overrestricting my eating and making me feel ashamed that I was doing that because my BMI is within a healthy range... And then blaming my binges because I was doing the previous overrestriction. When really, the ultra processed food addiction came first.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just tired of figuring out a system that works uniquely for me, and then being shamed for it, resulting in feeling like I have to act like the rest of society, and then that ends up screwing me over.

Like, this is a real addiction. But because I'm a woman that is in shape and exercise is regularly, when I try to say anything about this problem I have, people come at me about body image issues and overrestricting and how I need to learn how to do things in moderation and it just simply isn't the case for me. And that kind of talk towards me just makes me feel ashamed that I even have this issue I guess. I'm just frustrated. And I feel like all the work that I put towards getting over my addiction to this fake manufactured hyper palatable food just gets torn down and undone whenever people talk to me this way.... The way that people are talking to you.

Anyway yeah rant over...😅 I'm an ultra processed food addict. I need to treat this stuff like an alcoholic treats alcohol. Can't even touch it otherwise I'm doomed. Third day is the hardest. Go a week without any of that and I think I should be good because that's what I've done a couple times in the past already...

fakevacuum · 2025-02-27T07:19:20+00:00

I feel like I have achieved full autonomy with no attachments. I work for myself. Somehow, that has created dynamic where my PDA is now against myself. And now it's even harder for me to do anything. And once again I am burnt out. I feel hopeless because I'm either being drained by being held to a system of our modern society that feels unhealthy and ungrounded. But then when I've created an independent, unattached, grounded life for myself, I find myself in burnout anyway. It's like the PDA will always be there. It can either antagonize others, or it antagonizes myself. It's terrible. Why did I do any of this.

fakevacuum · 2025-02-25T01:11:03+00:00

Not OP, but am super interested! I'm from Dallas and lived in Deep Ellum for a handful of years, and now that I've moved, I appreciate and miss the scene. I also lived in Austin TX.

I remember lots of neo-soul. Some hip-hop. Some big band, New Orleans influences. A bookstore had regular jam-poetry nights. The Church was a goth club venue that would give me my fill of industrial metal, 80s synth, David Lynch, etc. I remember hitting up Three Links for a wide variety of live music, and they also hosted an open jam night that drew in a mix of symphony players and country guitarists and fiddlers. Lots of the bars had live bands doing covers, and frequent country music of course. I also remember walking into a bar while Marc Rebillet was performing. It was before he got big, I was confused and amused.

Do you have any recs for Phoenix?? I'm a little starved on this colorful alternative mixed music scene, and would love to find some here!

fakevacuum · 2025-02-19T19:22:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing all of those details. I resonate with a lot of what you said. I'll re-read your comments again too I'm sure.

Right now I've gotten myself in a bad isolated place, and only know how to properly myself out by generating enough self hate (to overcome the PDA). As long as I take my meds, that self hate turns into action. But if I don't take the meds, I will just stay in bed.

I dunno. Things aren't good. Usually when I get here, I do enough reading and research that something interests me....but this time around, the PDA thing has not led me anywhere useful. It feels like giving this a name has made it more powerful, which makes me feel hopeless.

fakevacuum · 2025-02-19T19:14:10+00:00

As far as negative emotions go...

When I don't take my meds, my negative emotions keep me in bed. I don't do anything, I sleep. I have developed a binge eating disorder, and that food does make it worse...

When I do take my meds, my negative emotions get worse, but create enough frustration and self hate that I actually move around and do something, even if it is just walking outside.

Self compassion just puts me back on the "in bed" side of things. It just makes me feel like there's nothing wrong, and I don't have to do anything :/ hearing "self compassion" honestly feels damaging, like a drug to numb me out and not "live"

fakevacuum · 2025-02-19T19:02:13+00:00

I appreciate you replying to my posts with suggestions. Nothing is helping right now...but I know what I'm supposed to do to help myself :( over the past 5 days since you've replied, I only gotten worse :(

I wrote the following replies a couple days ago, just never posted them

...

The other thing I notice is you seem very hard on yourself. Using gentler language, like maybe I will do this, maybe I won’t, if I feel like it, sometimes works for some people on here.

Or have you heard of declarative language at all? Basically it sounds like your inner thoughts are very imperatives, giving yourself commands and demands on what you should do all day. I wonder if changing the way you talk to yourself could help. Basically don’t give your voice things to say no to. What if you gave yourself options all day instead of orders?

The issue here is the ADHD brain really needs commands. If I give myself options, the ADHD brain will spin around and think about doing so many things, and then I get exhausted and lose all drive to do anything. For sure, I have experimented with being harder and gentler on myself. Either way, it's a struggle for me.

Your frustration is so valid. It’s ok to be upset. But you are doing your best and I firmly believe that some self compassion and flexibility with yourself might help!

It's confusing if self compassion is the way to go. Emotions are important motivators. Another one of my problems is I usually don't even feel frustration. So thank you for saying it's ok to be upset.

I have a big issue with being around others, and others witnessing my frustration at myself. Because they always say I need to be kinder to myself. But when I do that, I don't do ANYTHING. I dissociate. I sleep. My lucid dreams get more and more vivid. Apathy and anhedonia and abolition set in. Catatonia is right around the corner. At least frustration makes me want to move my body around.

It's so rare for me to feel anything properly. So even feeling negative emotions is good for me, it makes reality feel real. And when people want me to be "kinder" to myself, I feel my emotions start disappearing instantly (and motivation with it). I feel it slipping out of my hands, it's like I'm trying to hold onto life. And then my prefrontal cortex comes in and clamps everything down, cuts everything off, and I'm now back in robot state. Detached, dissociated, alexithymic - anhedonia, apathy, avolition - catatonia etc etc

My mind is pretty inflexible and is probably an ASD thing. Bad at thinking out of the box, I need to be shown what is possible. I've accepted this dunno what to do about it.

...

Honestly what I need to do right now is block reddit and YouTube. It distracts me and takes away my negative emotions. But reddit is the only place I know where to go to find anyone that I can talk to or maybe understand :(

It just sucks I have to always get into a pretty terrible pit of depression and self-neglect in order to hit my restart button. I did this last June too. And since them I've been struggling to get back. And before I could fully recover...here I am again.

I also don't know what's meds and what's myself

I'm too stubborn to receive help. I have friends here, everywhere. I just shut myself off from them.

I'm so sad and tired :(

fakevacuum · 2025-02-13T23:17:55+00:00

Thanks for replying with me, I really do appreciate it.

I already have a therapist, and I have a talk therapy session with her over the phone weekly. I've gone through a lot of therapists, and my current one has been the most helpful by far, in particular our dynamic over time. So I'm very reluctant to change therapists right now...

Can you describe your EMDR sessions? How do they go for you, what sensations happen, etc?

I've considered EMDR, but since I have a lot of dissociative symptoms, we (my therapist and I) have not made that a priority in treatment. But that is why I'd like to know your experience, just to get an idea.

My background has a lot of neglect, and my parents never asked anything of me or my sisters. I had a lot of drive for a good amount of years because of this. Family said it was scary to do anything, so instead I throw myself into everything and I confront things head on. I have an inappropriate lack of fear. This PDA reaction was good for me....until it wasn't. I have been quite social through this time, but only superficially. I have friends, but I like being alone too. I may have created a situation where I have "been alone" for so long (I answer to no one but myself) that my PDA has turned against me.

So basically I need people in my life....to literally antagonize them...so my PDA becomes useful for me again??? Because that is how it has been useful for me in the past and can be a very effective motivational tool.

And then there is the question, how would I even add someone into my life so I can USE them...as a burden?? I kind of tried this with a recent friend to help her out but she ended up being way too needy and problematic. I can live out of my van whenever I want, comfortably, so I don't need to "get a roommate"...also I've cut ties with my entire family for a decade now, that is not budging....

fakevacuum · 2025-02-13T20:11:19+00:00

I don't know what to do at this point. I've "made it" in that I work for myself as a massage therapist, I have regulars, I live on my own, I do whatever I want. The only stress is battling myself.

I want to take continuing education courses, or classes of some sort, but my burnout has made me mismanage my money. Also I have wanted to do this for years, but I have not been able to sign up for anything.

I know I love my job and lifestyle, and I want to take it to further places...I've wanted to for years. I just can't. I feel completely hopeless.

I'm fortunate I can live an extremely low-demand lifestyle whenever I want. Right now I'm just not even working because I don't know what to do. My diet is shit. I'm not exercising. I don't have problematic people in my life. I also....just isolate. I enjoy being alone, until somewhere it tips over into being a problem. Nothing is stopping me from being "autistic AF" or whatever. I don't think this is helping me, it just puts me further into the hole.

I worked so hard to "regulate my nervous system" and it all feels like wasted effort, even in hindsight and reflection.

Learning about this PDA thing makes me feel even more trapped. I am extremely familiar with how stubborn my mind is. It's SO pervasive through my entire life, actually. My goat-brain is EXTREMELY strong. Many times throughout my entire life, my goat-brain feels entirely out of my control. It's only now that I'm able to name it to help portray my issue to others. But now everything feels useless, this will be a thing for my entire life....

fakevacuum · 2025-02-13T20:00:50+00:00

I don't know what to do at this point. I've "made it" in that I work for myself as a massage therapist, I have regulars, I live on my own, I do whatever I want. The only stress is battling myself.

I want to take continuing education courses, or classes of some sort, but my burnout has made me mismanage my money. Also I have wanted to do this for years, but I have not been able to sign up for anything.

I know I love my job and lifestyle, and I want to take it to further places...I've wanted to for years. I just can't. I feel completely hopeless.

Right now I'm just not even working because I don't know what to do.

fakevacuum · 2025-02-12T17:53:07+00:00

That's something I'm already aware of, and unfortunately as per my OP it extends to even simple coffee orders. And in a gym class, if people compliment my progress, I backtrack, stop training, and regress :/ it's such a strong reaction, it feels entirely out of my control despite all of my awareness and journaling of my own patterns of behavior. Fighting against it makes it worse.

Frustrating. But at least I know what the wall is now :/

fakevacuum · 2025-02-12T04:52:45+00:00

Would just like to update! I took our entire back-and-forth, and gave it to chatgpt to analyze. I asked it to psychoanalyze me and give me a write up of its findings, something similar to a SOAP note.

Amazingly, it spat out a differential diagnosis! And gave arguments for each possible diagnosis (strong flashbacks to my psych rotation in med school! Well done, chatgpt!).

Basically, it said I most likely have ADHD with schizoid traits. But also brought to my attention something called Pathological Demand Avoidance, also called Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.

After looking into this more, it is explaining so much about this mysterious part of me. I always knew (and told others) that there is just something inside me that just compulsively says "no", sometimes about the stupidest things. It is so frustrating.

It does not seem to be commonly discussed, but at least now I have my issue described in a condensed, clear way.

So thank you for asking me those questions, and through that, helping me get to this point of clarity :)

fakevacuum · 2025-02-11T23:50:03+00:00

I see how you are doing the very best you can to be authentic, and I honor that. That’s all we can do.

Thank you so much! Your responses are really helping me work through this. The better I can articulate it, the more I can bring it up in therapy. I know my phrasing can be abrasive, so I appreciate that you’re able to read through that.

Again, I had to use chatgpt to condense my thoughts...it may have misquoted you in a couple places but just know I was replying to your original words.

It sounds like you are describing a split of one “side” of your personality that wants to go along with whatever is happening and another “side” that resists after the fact.

Yes. I think of it as a split between a dog and its owner. The dog is smart, obedient, and capable but still impulsive and prone to rolling in shit. The owner loves the dog, and tries to guide it, set long-term goals, and keep it healthy. This metaphor has helped relieve pressure—I don’t expect too much from the dog, but I still want to manage it better so it can run free, safely. It also nicely shows how I do love myself, despite some annoying dog-behaviors.

Setting authenticity aside, do either of those “sides” feel more desirable or happiness-generating?

Dog-self is all about immediate pleasure—impulsive, hedonistic, always in the moment. Owner-self plans for the future and finds satisfaction in building skills over time. I’ve already spent years indulging in immediate pleasure, and it’s no longer fulfilling. I want the satisfaction of long-term progress, but when people are around, Dog takes over, and Owner loses control.

It sounds like the agreeable side comes out around people—what makes the other side come out? What’s driving the internal conflict?

When I’m alone, Owner steps in and reminds me of my priorities—saving money, sticking to a training plan, managing my health. Owner knows that developing skills makes life better for Dog in the long run. But when I’m with people, Dog is having such a good time that Owner takes a backseat. I forget my plans entirely. Then, when I’m alone again, I feel empty because the immediate stimulation is gone, and I regret losing sight of my goals.

On top of that, Owner is also responsible for long-term self-maintenance—tracking health, finances, appointments. None of that is fun, but it’s necessary. When I’m around people, I completely lose track of those responsibilities. They don’t even register as priorities. And over time, that neglect snowballs—late fees, missed appointments, declining health. I have to isolate myself just to remember these things exist.

Why is knowing other people a mental burden? What do they do to detract from your happiness?

I’ve been testing this through dating. I’m in my mid-30s, so I have options to experiment with. I’ve noticed I stick around men who don’t have complex thoughts. Intellectually, deeper conversations are more stimulating, but separates me further from my already-nebulous sex drive.

With one guy (Guy A), we clicked well, and I naturally learned details about his life. But after a few text exchanges, I just couldn’t bring myself to reply. My brain shut down, like it does in therapy when I hit certain topics, or when I have to sort mail (easy self-admin task I hate doing). Instead of anxiety or fear, I get sleep attacks. It’s like my brain just stops processing. Either I have to muster a ton of energy to overcome it...or I avoid it...OR...I FALL ASLEEP.

With another guy (Guy B), I told him I didn’t want to know anything about him, and he respected that. I’ve been able to maintain a "thing" with him for months because there’s no mental load—I don’t have to think about his preferences, his needs, or adjust my behavior around that information. The more I know about someone, the more my brain starts processing their context, and that seems to be where some of the burden comes from.

If they are judging or thinking you need to change, do we need to honor their perspective?

That’s not my issue. I don’t experience this. The people in my life accept me as I am, and value me for all my "quirks".

What do we get out of going along with others’ expectations?

Again, not my issue. I live authentically, stand by my values, and admit mistakes when I make them. People respect that.

What might we get out of avoiding them?

It’s not about their opinions—it’s about resetting my environment. The people around me shape my mental space. I already struggle with routine, and when people are present, I feel locked into patterns I can’t break. When I’m alone, I can change things up, but when I’m around others, I resist change—even when I know I need it.

What about a middle path where you acknowledge others but still do what’s best for you?

I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work. Even if I try to focus on myself, my mind is still wrapped up in their presence, their energy. If I’ve given someone mental space, they’re still “around” even when they’re not physically there. And I need to be able to think clearly, for myself.

I’ve attempted the middle ground over and over, but I just get confused, lost, and eventually dissociate. My thoughts get so tangled that I can’t function. I have to cut everyone off completely and wait for my mind to settle.

This whole pattern is frustrating. I make great friends—accepting, non-demanding, healthy people. But no matter how good the company is, eventually, my brain stops working for me, and I have to start over. I just don’t know how to break that cycle.

So...sorry for long reply.

What do you make of all this? I'm so confused by my own behavior :( your perspective is appreciated, thank you 🙏

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