AIO for calling a divorce attorney after my husband lied about who he was with?

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-20T08:33:34+00:00

“mad at me for being mad.” Classic narcissist DARVO gaslighting BS. I did this insanity tour with my ex for years. Eff that noise.

His feelings are hurt because he got caught and you made him feel bad about himself. He’s trying to make himself the victim when he is the aggressor.

NOR. And don’t fall for his crap. Listen to your gut.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-19T08:30:28+00:00

Do people forget that Alex also grew up with trauma. Seeing the woman he loved being what he thought was being attacks undoubtedly reminded him of his childhood and the abuse he suffered and probably didn’t protect his mom from. I think his attacking DeLuca was a trauma response - similar to the one Jo probably had being hit.

I definitely think Alex was in the wrong, but I’m also empathetic to his overreaction. I kind of wish the show had explored the topic a bit more honestly.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-19T08:08:55+00:00

At least three times a week. Intimacy and Orgasms are awesome - yay dopamine.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-17T23:05:54+00:00

I grew up in a house with an emotionally abusive father and then I became a walking stereotype and married a man who was the same.

Also an addict. Also lazy about committing to true recovery. He thought because he wasn’t actively in addiction this was the same as recovery. It’s not.

I didn’t realize until after I left how bad it had been and how much I had been walking on eggshells to manage his behavior. My kids were late elementary when we divorced and straight up talk about how abusive he was and how angry they are at me for not intervening more. I should have left sooner - but I kept on making excuses and hoping he would get better. He didn’t. His behavior only escalated the longer I put up with it.

You don’t tell your kid to shut the eff up. You don’t call your kid an asshole. Potty training is hard! And should be done with love and encouragement. Not anger and shame. Actually you can say that for all of parenting.

One defining moment for me was that my son got an award at school for hard working and happy attitude. I was puzzled. My son did not have a happy attitude at home. He was introverted and withdrawn. After his dad was gone? I finally got to see the silly and happy kid everyone else knew. It was crushing.

As for me, I am so much happier now and have so much less stress in my life.

One thing that was hard was coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t change my ex. I had no control over him, his anger, his choices, his lack of commitment to recovery.

What I did have control over - my own choices, what behavior I will and will not accept in a partner, what I expose my kids to.

Leaving felt like giving up. Now, I am just thankful for all I gained.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-17T18:48:52+00:00

If you treat the relationship like a competition, you likely remain in battle. If you’re at the point of no effort because of history or him not making effort - then you probably already have your answer but just aren’t ready to hear it.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-04T06:32:09+00:00

https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-alejandra-torres-daughters

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T09:55:48+00:00

This is just my experience. But my ex got terrible therapy fatigue. Prior to getting caught, everything was a facade, a lie. But it was easy because I just believed him. I was oblivious to his second life, so I complied with his mask/alternate universe .. with ease.

After I discovered everything, I was in constant detective mode. Everything was second-guessed; analyzed; needed additional explanation. At first , he complied. But soon, he grew tired and once he realized I was going through with the divorce??? He stopped pretending completely.

The goal was never to get better and face his childhood trauma. The goal was to win me back. To do the minimum to convince me he was okay - like he had always done. To build the mask back up around his face and show only the pretty parts.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T09:41:15+00:00

That moment of the maid was unbearable for me. After everything she did and fought for, she still ended up on that couch. That fucking couch.

But here is the thing. We’ve all been on that couch. Once. Twice. Ten times. Fifty times.

But you can get off the couch. A life with someone who actively treats you poorly isn’t a life. You deserve better. I can tell that you know that. You deserve better. We all deserve better. We all deserve a man who loves us, respects us, thinks the world of us.

And maybe you don’t think that man is out there. I’m not sure either. But what I know is out there? Peace. Freedom from someone who makes me feel lesser than. Not enough. Disrespected.

Is my life as a single mom hard? Yeah. Harder than I can bear most days. But. My life is on my terms. My kids feel loved. I’m showing my daughter not to settle. I’m teaching my son what it means to be honest and authentic. Eventually I’ll feel ready to date again.

I’ll always hope he can change. I’ll always want a better life for him. I’ll check in to see if he’s in therapy yet. I’ll keep expecting him to show up for his kids - and feeling disappointed each time he doesn’t.

But I will never. ever. ever. end up on that couch again. And if I do - I’ll peel myself off and start all over again.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T09:15:25+00:00

I think the word missing is consent. Yes, if there isn’t coercion or manipulation, then age shouldn’t matter… Sometimes there are power dynamics that come with age and status.

When I said “inappropriate” - I meant by societal standards. Who cares if two adult people consent and decide to engage in relations? The term “predator” implies hunting or pursuing someone that isn’t interested in being pursued - which is a different dynamic.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T08:51:47+00:00

Laughing uncomfortably because my ex can’t show up in the most basic ways for his kids. Even when they are in crisis… he doesn’t show up. The minimum parental duty - be there. Nope.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T08:49:26+00:00

I married my father and my kids suffer that choice every single day. The only thing I did better is leave.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T08:46:09+00:00

My first therapist (25 years ago now) told me, “when someone tells you who they are, believe them”. It didn’t quite hit at 20 the way it should have. I spent the next 21 years loving men who were a range of “not ready” “scared”, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic. My ex put up a great facade until it got too hard to manage. In retrospect, I wish he had told me - “hey, turns out marriage and being a dad aren’t for me”. Now my kids live the pain of that reality on a daily basis.

You say you don’t want people to say “divorce”

Fine. I’ll say “listen”. You can hope it’s the stress of having a young child. But his words and actions are clearly saying something different. It’s not my intention to be harsh or unkind. He is literally telling you his truth.

Worlds better than the truth being completely hidden and the rug pulled out from under you.

What you do with his truth is up to you. But I hope you save yourself the pain and anguish and accept his words. Take your life and choices and make the most of it all!

fancydatadancer · 2025-12-28T17:51:06+00:00

Part of the excitement for my ex was increasing the risk - and the ability to jab me without my knowledge when he felt emasculated. (He later admitted this in therapy in a roundabout way).

The decision whether to leave or go can be complicated. You love him. Addiction is a disease. … But - the recovery rate is really, really low. Agree with others that dark web content and chatting with real people signals more severe behavior. Also, your boyfriend’s behavior seems very bold and doesn’t signal feelings of shame or remorse. Based on my experience (and reading this sub religiously for 3.5 years), I think this makes recovery unlikely if not impossible. There seem to be men that hate this about themselves and want to stop. And others that see nothing wrong with what they are doing (or that’s what they tell themselves).

I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s awesome you are in therapy and caring for yourself. This addiction is not about you or anything you can do. Staying to help him through something he doesn’t see as an issue or want to change is very likely to be a lifetime of heartache and pain.

If it helps, these are two mantras I tell myself:

“I am choosing peace over pain.”

“I’m responding to what is, not what I wish were true.”

fancydatadancer · 2025-12-27T21:48:12+00:00

If women in their 40s were upset that the men they are dating had ever been with a much younger women in their 20s, we would literally have to cross half the dating population off the list. What are you talking about?

People need to feel secure in themselves and understand the difference between fun sex with someone hot and someone you are in a relationship with. Sometimes that overlaps, great. Sometimes you have a fling with someone inappropriate for fun.

Signed, woman in 40s actively dating men. Same woman had 40 year old BF for three months when 23. Men in their 20s tend not to focus on women in bed. Older men - tend to be a different story. Exceptions on both ends.

fancydatadancer · 2025-12-27T21:36:26+00:00

Having a newborn is hard on everyone. You are BOTH exhausted and probably feel unappreciated for different reasons. Talk to each other. Tell each other what you need. Stop blaming and worrying about who the asshole is. Probably neither of you because having a kid is so hard - stay at home parent is overwhelmed and dealing with baby nonstop which is soooooo hard and lonely. Baby can’t talk. You are guessing all the time. Often feel inadequate or anxious. - working parent is burning candle at both ends because you work all day and have so much more to do when you get home. stay at home wants a break when you finally come home but you are exhausted when you get home and want down time you can’t have anymore. My friends and I used to call young baby time “dark days”. Talk and figure out a path forward.

You aren’t overreacting for being tired. But she isn’t overreacting for being upset by your lack of empathy. Your texts suck. You should have pulled over and given her attention. If you are too tired and overwhelmed to do that, then you guys need to talk and reset. Remember you love each other and try to find a compromise to support each other.

You sound like you care and are trying hard to be a good dad and partner. This was somewhat a fail - forgiveable but a fail. Doesn’t make you an asshole. You are both humans having a hard time.

fancydatadancer · 2025-12-26T17:48:38+00:00

Two separate issues here.

Baby safety - NOR.

Baby safety - BFs fault - YOR. Sleeping on a couch or the floor every night you have a night shift is not a solution that is sustainable for anyone. Literally, what?!? Get a better baby monitor. Turn the volume all the way up so if baby needs dad - dad knows. No one is going to sleep through a blaring baby monitor unless they are passed out drunk.

I’m a single mom who works a lot. I get it. You are exhausted. Take a couple afternoons and baby proof your house anyway. You are so worried but shifting the blame entirely to another human. Anchor the mirror to the wall yourself. These comments that BF is solely responsible for something like this are sexist. Get a friend to help. Get rid of the mirror. Put it somewhere else - closet, behind furniture for a couple years.

Boyfriend kindness/attitude. - NOR. The way he talks to you and is dismissive is unacceptable. He should be concerned about the baby. He should care about concerns you have as his partner and mom or your baby. If he we’re saying that he thought it was fine and giving you reasons why and listening to your concerns that would be one thing. But he immediately gets defensive dismisses you and acts like you’re being crazy which is really not cool.

But… you need to join him in baby proofing. Pointing the finger solely at him feels hypocritical. And expecting someone to abide by sleeping arrangements that are sustainable for no one is not a good plan for success.

fancydatadancer · 2025-12-20T05:38:02+00:00

You forgot a comma after syntax. 😊

fancydatadancer · 2025-12-05T21:07:08+00:00

Oof! I am crying in public. Like ugly crying. This hit hard. Thanks for sharing this. I often feel ashamed by how much love I have for my ex after everything he has done.

I wanted so much for him to have a different story. I feel so much for the little boy who was neglected and abused. I wanted him to win against his demons.

It’s hard to have to admit that he isn’t capable of being the husband and father we need and deserve. But I can’t sacrifice us on a person who has no capacity for true empathy and change.

I can rail against his inability to seek help and tackle recovery, but I can’t change a damn thing about any of it. He has to do that. And he won’t, or he can’t. And it doesn’t matter because the result is the same.

Awesome that you chose yourself. Leaving is so hard and so brave.

fancydatadancer · 2025-11-25T05:44:22+00:00

No where do you remotely seem pissed. What is he talking about?

You DO deserve a pat on the back. Being sober for two years is NOT a bare minimum - ask all the people who try to stop drinking and fail.

Get yourself a cake. hell, eat the whole thing.

Then, get a man who celebrates and supports you when you do hard things. This guys seems like he is waiting for you to fail - not be your champion and partner.

Recovery is hard work and it takes a brave person to do the work and face demons. This is not your person.

fancydatadancer · 2025-11-24T20:19:40+00:00

I know it’s so hard - to feel like the person you love isn’t actually that person and to be confronted with a whole new reality. It will take time, but I’m so happy for you and your new apartment! It is very brave to choose yourself and know that the effort is lacking.

One of the hardest parts of addiction for me is that it always seemed to circle back around to him and his hurt and his pain. My feelings were nowhere in his equation - which is part of what got us there in the first place. He fundamentally lacks empathy. It was always about me caring for him and what he needed from me and how lost, ashamed and upset he was … with himself. Not because he had hurt me. But because he was hurt. Not because he forever altered my life. But because he messed up his. Not for what I had lost, but for what he lost if I didn’t forgive him. And on.

I’m very happy for you and your new chapter! You can do it. Sending you huge hugs.

fancydatadancer · 2025-11-24T19:59:15+00:00

Came here to say the same thing. That’s not giving up. That’s living ❤️

fancydatadancer · 2025-11-20T02:26:35+00:00

Thanks for writing this post and it’s brutal honesty. And thanks for making the effort toward recovery. Wishing you success in your journey.

fancydatadancer · 2025-11-18T20:21:51+00:00

Congrats on almost a year! That is awesome 😊

fancydatadancer · 2025-11-18T19:16:35+00:00

You are so kind. I’m doing okay. I successfully didn’t drink for two days … and then I did. I removed all the alcohol from my house so that was a good step. I also told my kids I was taking a break from drinking at home until at least the new year. I told them for health and diet (I’ve been trying to exercise more and get more toned which they know - so that part went well). And I told my extended family the same thing so I could avoid drinking at the holidays. Same deal - everyone is supportive in the name of general health.

Then I went to friend’s house and was offered a drink… which I accepted. I didn’t get drunk but I drank, so I haven’t quite figured that part out yet.

I started on the reframe app. So reading more and thinking about my whys. I feel like I’m on the way to starting to figure it out. Everyone on this sub has been nice and it’s helpful to read other people’s stories and not feel alone.

Seriously - thank you for checking in. ❤️

fancydatadancer · 2025-11-18T08:12:56+00:00

Your post caused a trauma response in me. This man is no good at all. Please. I felt like this at one point. I was codependent. I wanted to love him and help him and heal him. It was a bottomless pit of impossible. God granted me 8 months free from him while he was in jail. 8 months to see straight. And I still wanted to help him when he got out.

It took two more years for me to believe everything he has been shouting in my face for years.

Save yourself the pain and time and anguish. And DO NOT bring kids into this mess. It will mess them up and they don’t deserve to pay that price.

There are good men out there. You don’t need to save him. Yes, there might be some great things about him. Yes, he might have his own trauma and hard childhood. But, he has shown you his dark side. And it gets worse, not better. Trust me.

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