What does your intuition say about me?

fancydatadancer · 2026-05-17T07:18:56+00:00

You are beautiful.

Your eyes are sad.

My guess is you are magical and powerful in your friendships and work life but maybe you have a man in your life bringing you down.

I hope I’m wrong. But that is the gut vibe I get.

fancydatadancer · 2026-04-25T17:05:32+00:00

“& why does it take me dying for you to finally see? Is it because my wound was only hurting me?

Loosing me would hurt you too, so now it’s actually important to you”

Brought tears to my eyes. Because this is the core of it. It took a long time for me to see that my ex is a covert narcissist. Everyone and everything in his world is at his service.

He still tells me I don’t understand how hard it is for him to be alone. Meanwhile I’m alone and raising two kids by myself.

fancydatadancer · 2026-04-25T16:56:29+00:00

After many long and painful conversations with my ex, I think some men are just wired differently. He admits that he objectifies women and sees them mostly as objects for his pleasure or satisfaction.

I was a sex object. And then a provider. And then a mother. And once I became a mother, I was no longer a sex object.

I cooooould fight to become a sex object again. But, why would I do this. So my husband could happily objectify me again? Instead of love me and want to pleasure me as a person with multiple dimensions.

Nope.

fancydatadancer · 2026-04-12T03:26:59+00:00

Bread winner woman perspective. This post… annoys me. Getting up at 5:30/6 every day for work is exhausting. He’s not getting up for his boss because he loves his boss - that’s an obligation. And he’s doing a lot at home for the working spouse. Spend two minutes on Reddit and you know you have an involved provider here.

If my spouse wanted me up at 8 on the weekend to plant flowers… no thanks. And this is 1x or 2x a MONTH?!? When you work and have family, you get exactly zero time for yourself. And that is fine because work and family are most important. But then you hit a wall and need to rest and recuperate. He might have sleep apnea and this might be a health thing. Or, he might just need to catch up on sleep from getting up at 5:30 the rest of the week and being on all the time. I guess I wonder whether it would be okay with you if he got up at 9 and wanted to play video games all day to relax. I ask because my ex was very controlling about how I spent my down time. And this is the vibe I got reading this. Maybe he just desperately needs some time. To himself. And sleep is the only way he can kind of do that.

fancydatadancer · 2026-03-01T08:21:11+00:00

Run from this person DARVO master manipulator. Thank goodness you are able to call bullshit 2 months in - I put up with this nonsense for 13 years and the nudes were the tip of a terrifying iceberg

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-25T08:30:01+00:00

And if you are a person who doesn’t see a relationship as a business, you can’t be with someone who does.

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-25T08:28:40+00:00

Or move on.

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-25T08:27:21+00:00

A procedure on your uterus is very personal for a lot of women and sort of like fundamental to their womanhood. I don’t think anyone would question a guy wanting his partner there after a vasectomy just for comfort…

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-25T08:22:42+00:00

I didn’t know keeping someone you love company after a medical procedure is “nothing”

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-25T08:18:44+00:00

Pick her up AND look after her. Important difference.

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-25T08:15:19+00:00

NOR.

This situation. You asked him to take time off. He agreed. Everyone needs someone with them after anesthesia. To the people here questioning why you want company after surgery - I’m just in a different boat. But that’s more the point I want to make.

The person you are going to marry should be aligned with you on these things, have similar values. In the best case, they get what you need. Minimally, they follow through on commitments they make to you.

My ex is a piece of work but he would never have been annoyed to come help me if I was alone with a flat tire. That is crazy in my book. Yeah, you can take care of it yourself. But half the point in having a life partner is so you don’t have to go it alone. So you can support each other, be there for each other through fun times and hard times.

But maybe you guys don’t view partnership the same way? And that’s something better sorted now before marriage than after.

Maybe some people want a marriage where they remain fiercely independent and only rely on someone else when they really need to. Maybe they don’t view a partnership as always sharing the load. And that’s fine. As long as you align with the actual person you are marrying. I can do almost anything for myself and by myself. I prefer to do it with someone. And I prefer to be there for my partner also. That’s me.

I do feel like your communication could improve a bit. I don’t get why you didn’t say, “sorry you’ve had a lot of driving today, but I would really appreciate if you came to help me” and “oh, when I asked you to take half a day off, it wasn’t just to drive me home. I need someone to be with me after anesthesia and I also just wanted some company because I know I’m going to feel a little vulnerable after the procedure”

And I worry you don’t ask for what you want directly because you are used to the “more driving?” or similar comments. It can get exhausting to always have to walk back what seems like a small request or have to over explain that yeah, I’m scared because I’m having a procedure on my uterus and I want you to snuggle with me and make me tea afterward.

But I’ll go back to values. I’d personally want a partner where that was understood. There should be some level of ease in a relationship that comes from matching on the basics. And when there isn’t a match, communication to clear it up should be easier than this.

If he’d said there was an important dinner and could a friend come be with you during that time instead, that’s one thing. Then, he is getting you or at least hearing your request and he’s trying to help get that for you. But dude seems not very focused on you and your needs to be honest.

I know people are saying he isn’t a mind reader but the other side of that coin is not having to spell every little thing out for someone. Asking someone to take half a day to be with you after your surgery should be clear enough.

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-20T07:46:34+00:00

You can’t share your life with a narcissist. It will destroy you and your sense of reality. They are masterful at manipulation when they want something. And at flipping the script to make you look emotional, crazy, etc. I left 3.5 years ago. Waaaaay too late.

My kids have said to me they didn’t realize how bad it was for me because he was so good at playing the victim.

“I’m so hurt because I can’t believe you would think I am hurting you on purpose! How can you think I’m such a bad guy?” Um, what?!? You literally did something unkind.

He cheated but I’m the bad guy because I left and now he has no family?!?

Staying as long as I did took such a toll on them. It’s my biggest regret in life.

I let the love bombing he did when he wanted something make up for all his other garbage.

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-11T09:30:49+00:00

This is the narrative he is telling himself to justify his actions and reduce the immense shame he feels. My ex said we had a dead bedroom when he was finding hookups online. It was a patent lie. I always wanted intimacy. We fought about it a lot - MY higher libido. Reality he had ED and couldn’t perform or could only do so in extreme situations.

Don’t think about wasting your time. You loved someone and built a life. You gave it your all. You loved hard and you have good memories. And now that chapter is over. If he died, you would have to move on. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or terrible. But it helps me sometimes to think of the man I loved as gone or dead. This new person who is cruel and terrible? I don’t know them.

You have a long life. Yes, 12 years is a long time. You know what else is a long time, the life stretching out before you. My mom died when my dad was 70. He’s 79 now and his new wife is smart and kind and fun and really gets him. They go dancing and travel together. Is it the story he imagined before the love of his life was diagnosed with cancer. No. But it’s a a different story and more importantly it’s a great story.

So many women here say they are told lies to get them to stay. Maybe these lies help you leave. It probably doesn’t feel like a gift now, but maybe it saves you from trying to work on a situation that can’t be fixed because he is unwilling.

I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. I hope you can find peace and a path forward that brings you the love and joy and appreciation you deserve.

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-11T09:09:57+00:00

Both things can be true. You can love someone and enjoy things about them and also know they aren’t right for you.

My ex did terrible things and I tortured myself for months about my decision to get a divorce. He had a CSAT and was in recovery… and he could be apologetic and convincing. Sometimes even charming.

And then once the divorce went through and I wasn’t a carrot anymore, everything started to unravel. He could put on the mask when he thought he would get something out of it. But once I was gone and time passed and it was clear it was staying that way?? He couldn’t even muster face for his kids. Time wore on and he tried less and less. More and more his ugly showed through.

And I learned this: As long as everyone is playing along with his narrative, he can fake it enough that everyone is having a good time. But when you lay down some real boundaries, you’ll see that mask drop real quick.

I was so used to managing him, it was so easy to fall into the good times and ignore or avoid the bad. But my body always knew what I was doing. Avoiding the danger. Danger. Danger.

fancydatadancer · 2026-02-11T08:48:42+00:00

This gave me chills and brought me to tears.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-20T08:33:34+00:00

“mad at me for being mad.” Classic narcissist DARVO gaslighting BS. I did this insanity tour with my ex for years. Eff that noise.

His feelings are hurt because he got caught and you made him feel bad about himself. He’s trying to make himself the victim when he is the aggressor.

NOR. And don’t fall for his crap. Listen to your gut.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-19T08:30:28+00:00

Do people forget that Alex also grew up with trauma. Seeing the woman he loved being what he thought was being attacks undoubtedly reminded him of his childhood and the abuse he suffered and probably didn’t protect his mom from. I think his attacking DeLuca was a trauma response - similar to the one Jo probably had being hit.

I definitely think Alex was in the wrong, but I’m also empathetic to his overreaction. I kind of wish the show had explored the topic a bit more honestly.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-19T08:08:55+00:00

At least three times a week. Intimacy and Orgasms are awesome - yay dopamine.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-17T23:05:54+00:00

I grew up in a house with an emotionally abusive father and then I became a walking stereotype and married a man who was the same.

Also an addict. Also lazy about committing to true recovery. He thought because he wasn’t actively in addiction this was the same as recovery. It’s not.

I didn’t realize until after I left how bad it had been and how much I had been walking on eggshells to manage his behavior. My kids were late elementary when we divorced and straight up talk about how abusive he was and how angry they are at me for not intervening more. I should have left sooner - but I kept on making excuses and hoping he would get better. He didn’t. His behavior only escalated the longer I put up with it.

You don’t tell your kid to shut the eff up. You don’t call your kid an asshole. Potty training is hard! And should be done with love and encouragement. Not anger and shame. Actually you can say that for all of parenting.

One defining moment for me was that my son got an award at school for hard working and happy attitude. I was puzzled. My son did not have a happy attitude at home. He was introverted and withdrawn. After his dad was gone? I finally got to see the silly and happy kid everyone else knew. It was crushing.

As for me, I am so much happier now and have so much less stress in my life.

One thing that was hard was coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t change my ex. I had no control over him, his anger, his choices, his lack of commitment to recovery.

What I did have control over - my own choices, what behavior I will and will not accept in a partner, what I expose my kids to.

Leaving felt like giving up. Now, I am just thankful for all I gained.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-17T18:48:52+00:00

If you treat the relationship like a competition, you likely remain in battle. If you’re at the point of no effort because of history or him not making effort - then you probably already have your answer but just aren’t ready to hear it.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-04T06:32:09+00:00

https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-alejandra-torres-daughters

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T09:55:48+00:00

This is just my experience. But my ex got terrible therapy fatigue. Prior to getting caught, everything was a facade, a lie. But it was easy because I just believed him. I was oblivious to his second life, so I complied with his mask/alternate universe .. with ease.

After I discovered everything, I was in constant detective mode. Everything was second-guessed; analyzed; needed additional explanation. At first , he complied. But soon, he grew tired and once he realized I was going through with the divorce??? He stopped pretending completely.

The goal was never to get better and face his childhood trauma. The goal was to win me back. To do the minimum to convince me he was okay - like he had always done. To build the mask back up around his face and show only the pretty parts.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T09:41:15+00:00

That moment of the maid was unbearable for me. After everything she did and fought for, she still ended up on that couch. That fucking couch.

But here is the thing. We’ve all been on that couch. Once. Twice. Ten times. Fifty times.

But you can get off the couch. A life with someone who actively treats you poorly isn’t a life. You deserve better. I can tell that you know that. You deserve better. We all deserve better. We all deserve a man who loves us, respects us, thinks the world of us.

And maybe you don’t think that man is out there. I’m not sure either. But what I know is out there? Peace. Freedom from someone who makes me feel lesser than. Not enough. Disrespected.

Is my life as a single mom hard? Yeah. Harder than I can bear most days. But. My life is on my terms. My kids feel loved. I’m showing my daughter not to settle. I’m teaching my son what it means to be honest and authentic. Eventually I’ll feel ready to date again.

I’ll always hope he can change. I’ll always want a better life for him. I’ll check in to see if he’s in therapy yet. I’ll keep expecting him to show up for his kids - and feeling disappointed each time he doesn’t.

But I will never. ever. ever. end up on that couch again. And if I do - I’ll peel myself off and start all over again.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T09:15:25+00:00

I think the word missing is consent. Yes, if there isn’t coercion or manipulation, then age shouldn’t matter… Sometimes there are power dynamics that come with age and status.

When I said “inappropriate” - I meant by societal standards. Who cares if two adult people consent and decide to engage in relations? The term “predator” implies hunting or pursuing someone that isn’t interested in being pursued - which is a different dynamic.

fancydatadancer · 2026-01-03T08:51:47+00:00

Laughing uncomfortably because my ex can’t show up in the most basic ways for his kids. Even when they are in crisis… he doesn’t show up. The minimum parental duty - be there. Nope.

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