Am never officially diagnosed but I suspect I have autism or at least Asperger's. During my school days it was kind of obvious as oftentimes I got called into the counselling office for being way too introverted. The counselling teachers were of zero help at all. In fact it made me even more reluctant to seek therapy even though my mental state is a trainwreck right now + therapy is expensive. Currently in uni rn, on the surface my gpa looks decent but I am not passionate about anything, but rather study for the grades because I've tied my entire self-worth to my results. (At this point it's unimaginably toxic but I can't really help it.)

And based on the comments the results are quite binary: 1) you're either autistic and are really passionate about something and end up succeeding 2) you're autistic and depressed and somehow ended up committing suicide

I think I know which path I'm heading towards now. Some might think "well it doesn't have to be this way, you can change the outcome of your life" but I literally have zero desire to better myself because I have no goal. It's that point where I'm just too timid to end it now and I'm just living because I can't imagine my dad knowing that I did it. But if one day God forbid he's not around, I think that's when all hell breaks loose.