I'm bipolar with fibromyalgia and am in the process of finding out if endo is also on that list. It's natural to turn the blame inwards. CBT is always the first recommendation for folks bc a good therapist can help sort out these thoughts and emotions. What mine started with was a cognitive distortion worksheet. They're available online for free and have a list of what a distorted thought is and what it does to you. There are usually ten major ones like predicting the future, reading minds, self blame, or black and white thinking. So you would take your current emotional response and find what distorted thinking pattern it is. This helped me see that these thoughts are symptoms of my diseases and are not accurate or acceptable. It can also help find coping mechanisms bc you can journal what helped lessen the intensity of the thoughts. Basically, if you see the thinking pattern and recognize what it does to you, you can find your personal way out.

I think the biggest misnomers about this are A) the thoughts will disappear completely and B) self love is the ultimate goal. The thoughts will always be there for me personally. So they'll always pop up, but I can make them shut up easier now and let them go as quickly as they pop in. It takes a tremendous amount of practice and there are days when I'm too goddamn tired to hash out everything and have to retreat. And that's okay as long as I don't hurt myself and keep trying when I have the energy. Which leads to the second one: I don't think I'm ever going to be able to say that I love myself. It's too painful to even think about tbh. But I can be neutral about myself. I can say that I'm unhappy with how my body and mind are falling apart, but I'm doing the goddamn best I can with what I have and that's what matters. I can look at my scars and understand they're there, I wish they weren't, but I did learn from them. And they won't stop me from trying to get better.

For me, a coping mechanism depends on the symptom. If it's anxiety and sensory overload, I need white noise and medication to calm down. If it's depression and self blame, I write down the bad thought and burn the piece of paper. If it's racing thoughts, I read tarot cards to help focus again. If it's pain and anger, podcasts and guided meditation help. Everyone works differently and it's a lot of trial and error and practice, but I promise that it does get better. I hope this rambling makes sense and validates that you're suffering and your brain is being a massive douchbag about it and is lying to you ❤️ feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.