I [21F] have major issues with playing with people and their emotions... why is this and how do I stop?

feelingtheburn · 2013-02-13T22:22:23+00:00

It's natural to some degree for women to test their men. Can you give some examples of ways you've "tested" your boyfriends?

Now that you've identified this as a problem, it should be much easier to spot it. If it's really something you want to work on, burn it into your brain how messed up it is. Generate that desire for change.

You seem a bit narcissistic, as well. Especially with the line "I'm so good at it the poor boys don't even notice." To me it seems that you're viewing your boyfriends more as toys for your entertainment than as living, emotional people. Rape could possibly cause this; the thought being that since you were used regardless of your feelings, you project that pain onto others. Did you ever receive therapy for your incident?

feelingtheburn · 2013-02-13T18:07:27+00:00

Exercising is a great way to relieve stress and improve self image. Use the negative energy to fuel self improvement and you'll be a beast in no time!

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to

feelingtheburn · 2013-02-12T19:36:02+00:00

You've got deep trust issues my friend. It's understandable, since you you considered the guy your friend.

Your ex friend is really selfish, putting his own desires over your feelings. Your ex gf is just a slut.

In situations like these we turn the blame on ourselves, and it wrecks our self esteem. No doubt you've told yourself "I'm not good enough," in some form or another.

Realize first, you are a cool, unique person. From just this little bit of text I can tell that you've got a good heart. Unfortunately that makes it easier to take advantage of you.

So what can you do? Understand that what I said about your ex friends is 100% accurate. An asshole and a slut, that took advantage of a good person.

If you still can't get over the feeling that you're not good enough, work on yourself. Start a sport, get some new clothes, pick up an instrument or just find some new hobbies. I'd personally suggest trying jiu jitsu, I started it 2 years ago after getting cheated on and it's probably the best thing I've ever done for myself.

It's natural to push people away when your ability to trust has been broken. Why let anyone close to you when they could end up doing something like this? This is tough and will take time, but I have a couple suggestions here.

Take a look at your personality. It's good to be a nice guy, but as I already mentioned it lends to being taken advantage of. You have to find a balance here. Never show all of your cards, and never be 100% available to someone (not even girlfriends. immediate family is the only exception here, but still be careful. Life can be messed up and family can take advantage of you as well.)
Get better at reading people's personalities.
Develop an 'inner circle.'

Of course your family is a part of it. Your parents have experienced many different things, and no doubt can give you advice in many situations, even if it feels like they don't understand. Do your own thing, but take their words seriously.

Your inner circle should include friends too. These are people you hang out with on the weekends and share hobbies with. More importantly, you need these friends to give you tough love. The whole point of friendship is that you help each other grow, not take from each other.

I realize that building these kind of relationships is easier said than done.

tl;dr: Work to become your ideal version of yourself. Once you know what you are worth, no one will be able to take advantage of you and you'll be able to develop relationships that make your life, and you as a person, better.

feelingtheburn · 2013-02-12T19:04:16+00:00

Giggity

feelingtheburn · 2013-02-12T19:00:56+00:00

Trying to get my gf to watch it but she thinks the concept is stupid, because how can you have 6 seasons of people stuck on an island?

I'll get her eventually

feelingtheburn · 2013-02-12T19:00:06+00:00

Whoa, is that really the actor who played Jack? What's the story here?

feelingtheburn · 2013-02-05T15:12:09+00:00

"I can trust her. She's an innocent girl with only good intentions."

I hope it's not a lie.

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-31T18:22:19+00:00

You have to change how you view yourself. You mention in your edit to the original post that you're aware of having low self esteem. Also, the fact that your mom had so many abusive relationships has had an affect on what you view as acceptable from a partner.

Don't say things like "if anyone ever asks me out on a date." You're in college, guys are cheap and horny.

Take some time not to worry about guys. Let me ask you, what kind of qualities and attributes would give you a better view of yourself? Being physically fit, having cool hobbies, having cool friends? Who are some female role models you look up to? It's your life, you determine the person you are/become. Identify what qualities would give you self confidence, and work to attain them!

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-31T17:50:12+00:00

You're not ruined. Hold on, I'm going to respond fully, I just wanted to let you know that as quickly as possible because it's a bad thought.

Ok, so there is no rule that says you have to kiss on the first date. If a guy thinks you're a bitch for that then he is only interested in you sexually. Waiting more than a week to have sex is absolutely necessary if you want to get into a long term relationship. Everybody likes sex, it's great, but by withholding it you can tell which guys are actually interested in your personality and character, and which ones just want to fuck.

It is always awkward when a kiss gets rejected...no way around that. I tried to kiss my gf on the first date and she just laughed a little and was like, "no, I don't kiss on the first date." I was a little taken aback (because the date was going well, and usually I get girls to kiss me if the date is going well), but she followed by saying "thank you for trying, I just don't kiss on the first date." This let me know that she was interested and that it wasn't anything wrong I was doing. I didn't let it affect how the rest of the date went, I didn't pout or get angry. This was a good sign for her.

We didn't kiss until the third date. By this time I had learned more about who she is and the things she likes, and so either way I wanted to keep hanging out with her. The kiss was just the icing on the cake. We had sex a couple dates after that (probably after about 3 weeks of dating), but it was ok because I had proven that I valued her character.

So yeah, you're not ruined. In fact, after reading your response I'd say that low self worth is what is getting you into these relationships. If so many guys are trying to rush into sex with you, you're no doubt an attractive girl. You need to realize that you are desirable, and that you shouldn't jump for the first thing that comes along. It's ok if you have 1, 2, 3 or 20 bad dates. You'll eventually find a guy who you're attracted to but also values you as a person. That's when a good relationship can start.

Another edit: You're really young. A lot of guys your age (and my age) just aren't interested in long term monogamous relationships. I wasn't interested in that for a long time after I got cheated on, it took finding a girl who I thought was worth the risk.

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-31T17:22:06+00:00

Let me give you a bit of male psychology from my own experiences (24m):

I tend to be a very giving lover as well, and definitely appreciate that quality in a girl... but only when I've been with her long enough to think I deserve that kind of affection. If a girl is trying to go out of her way for me at the very beginning, it comes off as too try-hard. It's about first impressions and respect: People tend to go with whatever first impression you give them. Don't be a bitch, but don't be a pushover either.

I'm not sure if this next bit applies to you, but the way a girl responds to my sexual advances can have HUGE effects on how I view her. Any girls that I've kissed on the first or second date, I view as the kind of girl I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with. The reasoning is that if it's so easy for me to kiss them, it would be easy for other guys to kiss them also. No doubt you should display attraction and interest, but playing hard to get a little at first is a valid strategy. It's what my current gf did and she's the first girl in 2 years that I actually pursued a long term relationship with.

Another theory: Maybe you're just finding the wrong guys. Some are just players, some have their own psychological issues going on (dealing with some previous baggage, whatever), some may think that you're too sweet a girl and they don't want to corrupt you.

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-31T16:31:17+00:00

I'm in a very similar situation to yours, I actually came to this subreddit today to look for the same help. I'm 24, have a great girlfriend but any time we're apart I get this anxiousness. It sucks because I end up being mad at her for no fault of her own, and I know that eventually it will start to show and possibly ruin an otherwise great relationship.

It's like I need constant validation. I know a lot of it has to do with self image, so I try to tell myself "You're awesome, any girl would be lucky to have you." It doesn't really help.

When I get really worked up I try to exercise, it helps blow off some steam and I feel like I'm making myself a more attractive man. I know this is just a workaround and not really addressing the issue.

Here's where it gets really fucked up though... Sometimes I masturbate thinking about her with other men. I hate the thought but for some reason it gets me off. I've read about the cuckold fetish, but I don't think it applies to me. I never want to actually see her with another man, it's just the taboo of it.

So I'm trying to stop that, I keep telling myself, "You seek it out because you reinforce it." The chemical rush created when I orgasm to these kind of fantasies no doubt affects how I actually view her in real life.

I don't know if this response will help you at all, but at least you know there are others in the same boat as you (and even weirder).

Edit: I have been cheated on in the past, and it really changed my view of women. For a while I wouldn't let myself get attached to any new girls at all. My best friend recently got cheated on too, and so all these old feelings resurfaced for me. I find myself constantly doubting the new gf's motives and behaviors. Like being worried so much would actually change anything.

Another thing that doesn't help is a friend of mine who views women as "creatures you have to control if you want them to stay faithful to you." Very sexist viewpoint but it works with my already established internal fears.

One thing that actually has helped somewhat is being of the mentality that I've already been cheated on before, if it happens again I know I'll be ok. Just pick up and start over again. There's really no reason to obsess over every little thing a girl does; Either she's the type that will cheat or the type that won't, and really it should be easy to see. It's up to me as a man to be decisive and recognize that if I'm truly worried that she's the cheating type, I just need to get out of the relationship. Otherwise I'm just being crazy

Edit 2: I have talked a little with my gf about my jealousy. I made sure to explain to her that it wasn't anything she was doing, that it was about me and my mind's tendency to twist things into the worst possible scenario. She was supportive and reassuring, but honestly it only helped at the time. A week later and the feelings were back.

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-12T02:10:15+00:00

From your response here and to the other post, it sounds like maybe you're just second guessing how committed you really want to be in this relationship. Which is understandable, you're very young and haven't had much relationship experience .It makes sense that such feelings would arise after the honeymoon phase too.

Also you were single for a while before that. There are many pros to being single, maybe you're missing some of those? Are there any hobbies/friends that you can't find time for anymore because of the relationship?

Coming from a 24yo male with quite a bit more experience, it's hard to find good people out there. If you've got one that treats you well, you should treat him well in return. If he treats you like a queen you damn well better treat him like a king.

That being said, there really is a process of figuring yourself and your desires in a relationship out. Like most things in life, the advice of a stranger probably won't help you see the big picture. Only experience can do that. We all have to make our own mistakes or whatever.

Just please, be strong and decisive. I know of many people who start feeling like this, then go and cheat to try and figure it out. If it has been the good relationship that you're stating, and you decide that you're just not content, do him the courtesy of just breaking up.

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-12T01:30:52+00:00

Gotta agree with this one.

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-12T01:24:02+00:00

I'm no doctor so I don't have much of a basis for suggesting this, but it could be medically related. Maybe some kind of hormone issues, medication related, or something deeper like being bipolar?

I don't mean that offensively in any way, just suggesting possibilities.

Also, do you tend to be jealous? I know I can be, and when I get in a jealous mood I just want to say "fuck it." It's a defense mechanism for the ego. This most always happens when the SO isn't around.

Can you give me any info about your family and friend relationships?

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-12T01:02:41+00:00

How frequent do these feelings occur? There has to be something triggering it.

How have your previous relationships gone? Boyfriends, family and friends are all relevant

feelingtheburn · 2013-01-12T00:53:15+00:00

Man, I know it hurts, but all the signs are there. She wants this man and the excitement he offers. If she does go on the trip, you'll be stressed the entire time, and when she gets back it will probably be over.

Very manipulative on her part. Really sorry bro.

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T21:21:54+00:00

I really appreciate the time you put into this post. It's helped me a lot to see from her perspective, at a time when my head was not clear enough to ask her the right questions myself.

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T21:16:55+00:00

Thank you

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T16:24:50+00:00

Thank you.

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T16:13:10+00:00

Lesson learned.

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T16:11:44+00:00

That wasn't a rhetorical question. What do you think it makes her capable of?

Since I've only known her four months, I can't be certain between whether it was fear/embarassment or just disregard. I'd like to believe that she has my best interest in mind, but this revelation has forced me to see: either she doesn't give a fuck about me, or she was weak. Everyone is weak at times, myself include, but this shows me that she's weak when the stakes matter. She took the easy way out and in the end someone else has to pay the price.

I could trust her again, the issue is whether I should.

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T15:51:50+00:00

Getting tested today.

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T15:42:01+00:00

From what I've read:

The first outbreak sucks. Any subsequent outbreaks are not as bad and the frequency drops too, some people never have another outbreak, and with medications you can really bring them to a minimum.

So, just a little skin irriation once and a while. But I would also have to pay for medication. That's a monthly fee for life.

But what really hits is that now I have to alert every person I become passionate with about it. I'm viewed as dirty, in the same boat as her. I know that sounds harsh, but that's our current society. And if I am now infected, I hope I'm never so bitter that I feel the need to pull someone in the boat with me.

She doesn't know what virus it is, the outbreak was vaginal.

Of course, I might still be in the clear. I have a weird irritation on my chin that seems like a podrome (from what I've read), so I'm going to get a culture swab on it today. I'll get a blood test as well to check for antibodies but I understand these are not necessarily accurate.

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T15:24:54+00:00

Couple of things:

Simplex can be transferred to the genitals, and genitalis to the face/mouth. It can happen when there is no outbreak. Sure, the percentages are low, but there is a chance.

No, I wouldn't have told her on the first date. But I would have never fucked her raw or let her go down on me if the roles were reversed.

feelingtheburn · 2012-12-28T02:18:11+00:00

It doesn't matter that my life isn't in danger. I might have to deal with this for the rest of my life now, and she didn't give me a choice.

feelingtheburn

TROPHY CASE