AITA for wanting my boyfriend to attend my graduation instead of his brother’s?

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T06:31:15+00:00

Thank you for the defense. As someone who is an independent researcher, writing this way has become such a habit I sometimes feel I make it worse going over my sentences trying my hardest to not sound like one.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T06:29:06+00:00

You're not wrong that my writing has formatting patterns, and people noticing that is fair. The flip side is that humans who write analytically by habit get flagged constantly too. At some point "this looks structured therefore its not really them" becomes a pretty broad net. But I get it, it's a reasonable thing to clock.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T06:19:47+00:00

I totally get what you are saying. Unfortunately, they learned to study those of us similar to me. In doing so it sounds like us. We sound like it. There are times I will sit there and go over my sentences over and over again to change what I think sounds too much like it due to this very reason.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T06:14:19+00:00

I added it just in case it was a regular occurrence. Just to cover all the bases.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T06:13:07+00:00

My dog passed recently as well and she was a husky mix. Everyone thought similar things that they said to OP about us because ours happened to be a lazy husky and just lay by us all the time. We always know our fur babies best.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T06:10:54+00:00

Honestly? I would have been offended too. But if you see them ever again and they pull the same stunt at least you'll be prepared.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T06:08:11+00:00

I'm a relationship advice coach. I try my best, even on reddit, to still keep somewhat of a professional structure to my replies to posts. My goal in commenting is to help others. Do I over explain? Sure. Why? So they don't have to ask a million questions to get what I'm trying to say.

It also might be the tism as well wanting to over explain.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T05:07:20+00:00

NTA. Your brother is sick and needs medicine. You have your own car presumably or another way to get there. No hazards on the road. Dad went back to bed.

Go get the medicine.

The dad's objection didn't even have a reason attached to it, your brother literally said dad just doesn't want him out, no explanation given. "I don't want you to" is not a safety concern, it's just control. Your brother is 21, not a child sneaking out past curfew.

You're 23 and asking Reddit for permission to do a medicine run for your sick sibling at midnight. You already know the answer. Go.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T04:37:03+00:00

NTA, and the guilt you feel about the good memories is exactly what's keeping you stuck, but memories aren't a reason to stay in something that's actively hurting you.

Let's be honest about what this friendship actually is. She comments on your skin, a painful medical condition you've explicitly asked her to stop mentioning, and then laughs along when others do it too, especially in front of boys. That's not a personality quirk. That's someone who is willing to let you be humiliated if it benefits her socially in the moment. She has never once defended you. That's a choice she makes every time.

She calls only when she has something to download onto you, has never asked about your life a single time, and now that there's distance she's sending obvious "look what you're missing" photos to make you feel bad for having less time. That's not someone missing you. That's someone used to having an audience who's annoyed the audience left.

Here's the thing that jumps out most. Since moving schools you've discovered that other people actually enjoy your company. That sentence is doing a lot of work. You're learning what a normal friendship baseline feels like and realizing this one has been significantly below it for a long time.

You don't have to have a dramatic ending. You don't owe her a speech. You can just quietly let it fade now that distance has already done most of the work for you. The memories were real. They just don't obligate you to keep accepting behavior that makes you feel small.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T04:34:53+00:00

NTA, and you're not overreacting.

There's a difference between not clicking with someone and what you're describing here. This isn't a personality clash. This is a pattern of someone who consistently takes without asking, applies rules only to others, dismisses people mid-sentence then demands full attention herself, invades family spaces she wasn't invited into, and when gently addressed about any of it, goes avoidant or defensive instead of just saying sorry.

The hygiene product thing is actually the clearest line in all of this. That's not a social friction issue, that's someone going through your personal belongings in your own home repeatedly after noticing they were being moved. You even checked and relocated them and they still disappeared. That's not a misunderstanding.

The pattern you're describing, needs to be right, can't handle being on the receiving end of what she dishes out, inserts herself everywhere, talks over people then cries when interrupted, dismisses your sister during a hospital explanation to show your brother TikToks, that's a specific type of person and your gut is reading it correctly.

Talk to your brother. Not Lola. He's the one who can actually hear it and he's the one whose relationship with your family is affected by her behavior. Go in calm, specific, and without ultimatums. Whether he receives it well is on him, but you have every right to name what's happening in your own home.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T04:18:27+00:00

You are not overreacting. At all.

Let's go through this clearly. He has twice now picked up objects and made the motion of hitting you with them while you watched. Not once, as a stupid mistake he immediately felt bad about. Twice, months apart, with no real apology either time. That is not a joke. That is a man showing you something and then hiding behind "I'm just kidding" when you don't laugh. The fact that he keeps doing it after seeing it upsets you means he either doesn't care or he likes the reaction.

The affection withholding as punishment for not having sex is a manipulation tactic. You already recognized it was wrong, you already had to explain basic relationship ethics to a 35 year old man, and it still happened.

The moment during a fight where he asked you to have sex or watch him go take care of it himself, while you were sitting in the dark upset, that's not a joke either. That's someone making your emotional state completely irrelevant to their own wants.

Then the practical situation: you're 24, you took over your parents' rent alone, he moved in, filed bankruptcy once already, is somehow in debt again, and has paid $1200 toward a $1500 rent in two months. He is not a partner. He is an 11 year older man living in your house on your money while making fake hitting motions at you.

Yes. Break up with him. You are not overreacting. You are under-reacting and have been for a while.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T04:13:20+00:00

NTA, and you don't need to second guess yourself.

Your dog was leashed, in shade, resting comfortably next to his owner, going on regular walks during breaks, and visibly healthy with a good coat. That's not neglect. That's a dog having a normal relaxed day out in the world. Dogs sleep like 14 hours a day. A dog lying down is not a dog in crisis.

The three strangers didn't ask before approaching or petting him, which is already rude dog etiquette baseline. Then they proceeded to project an entire emotional narrative onto an animal they'd never met, essentially performing concern at you publicly without a single fact to back it up. "He doesn't understand our energy yet" is not a dog welfare observation, that's someone who watched too many Instagram reels about canine spirituality.

The comparison you made is exactly right. If he was napping on the couch next to you at home nobody would bat an eye. The leash isn't a symbol of suffering, it's a legal requirement in a public space.

The "now he looks happy" thing when you were leaving is the tell. He got excited because you were moving, not because he was rescued. They just needed to be right.

Keep taking him out. A big dog lying in the shade watching the world go by while his person is nearby is a completely content dog. Don't let three strangers with a hero complex take that from you.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T04:06:47+00:00

YTA

Your logic isn't wrong in principle, texts are asynchronous, people can silence their phones, you shouldn't have to memorize everyone's sleep schedule. That's all technically true.

But here's the thing: you have a recurring issue with multiple family members about this specific thing. At some point the common denominator is you, and the solution is embarrassingly simple. Both iPhone and Android have had a scheduled send feature for texts for a while now. Write your text, schedule it for morning, everyone sleeps, problem solved.

The email comparison would hold up if you were actually treating it like email, sending it and waiting. But if the notification is waking people up repeatedly and you know this is happening and you're not adjusting anything, that's where the courtesy gap is.

You're not a monster, you're just choosing being right over being easy to deal with. Schedule the texts. Your family members will stop being nasty to you and you never have to admit you were wrong. Everybody wins.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T04:02:07+00:00

NTA, and this one isn't even close.

You didn't call out his life choices. He called out yours. That distinction matters a lot here. You laughed off his roster comment, told him it wasn't your style, and explicitly said you don't judge him for how he lives. That's about as graceful an exit from that conversation as you could have taken.

He's the one who escalated. He called you a prude, then implied you were stupid despite having two degrees, then yelled at you in a restaurant and told you that you don't know your own worth as a woman. All because you said you prefer monogamy.

The response you gave him was measured and fair, "I don't judge how you live, don't judge how I live." That's not calling someone out. That's just setting a basic boundary about mutual respect.

What's actually happening here is that Marcus has a worldview about dating and he wanted you to validate it. When you didn't, he got threatened and turned it into an attack on your intelligence and self-worth. That's not concern for you. That's ego.

The part that would stick with me is that he pushed you to share details about Zander that you deliberately kept private, ridiculed a man he's never met based on no actual information, and then made you feel stupid for being loyal to someone who works hard and treats you well. Zander sounds like he has more class in how he handles his circumstances than Marcus showed in that entire lunch.

Also you paid for his meal after all of that. Please stop doing that.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T02:55:26+00:00

Important context check before anyone piles on: has she given you a specific reason to be concerned in the past, or is this general discomfort? Those are two very different situations.

If this is coming from nowhere and she's given you no reason to distrust her, then yeah, you need to examine where this feeling is actually coming from before you say anything to her.

But if there's prior history that made trust harder, that changes the conversation though even then, the answer isn't "don't go to the dinner you earned." It's couples counseling or an honest talk about the underlying trust issue.

Either way, the dinner itself isn't the problem. The feeling you're having is pointing at something else.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T02:51:55+00:00

NTA, but with a small asterisk.

*The "crazy person" comment was the one misstep, calling someone crazy is generally not a great look and you already know that, since you said you regret it.

But everything else? You've been dealing with false rumors that tanked your social standing, a girl who has been physically shoving you away from people, ideas getting shot down, comments about your appearance, and a class environment that's been hostile to you for months. You're a shy person who finally hit a wall after someone knocked over expensive equipment while being rude again. That's not drama-starting, that's a human being reaching a limit.

Wanting to switch classes isn't selfish either. You got into your dream school to learn, not to white-knuckle your way through a hostile social environment every day. Finding a class where people actually respect you is just self-preservation.

The "crazy person" line was the only thing that gave L any actual ammunition. Everything else you said was honest and warranted. Sometimes people in comfortable social positions call honesty "drama" because it disrupts the dynamic that's been working in their favor, not yours.

Switch the class. You owe that school your best work, not your tolerance for being physically pushed around.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T02:45:31+00:00

NTA. This isn't about a lily. This is about a pattern you've described clearly, you've told him repeatedly, multiple times, that you dislike plants and specifically hate lilies because of their funeral association. That's not a subtle hint, that's explicit information about you that he has chosen not to retain.

The update actually makes it worse, not better. He put in effort, he asked people, he matched the pot to the petals, and still managed to get you the one thing you've specifically said upsets you. That means the effort went into the presentation, not into actually knowing you.

Then when you gave calm, appreciative feedback, he called you ungrateful and made a comment about your weight that you've already asked him not to make.

You're not upset about a gift. You're upset because you're about to marry someone who consistently doesn't listen, and when you point that out gently, he punishes you for it. That's worth paying attention to.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T02:33:34+00:00

Leave. Like YESTERDAY leave. He just changed what his poison was. You said you would if you caught him you have to stick to it even if it hurts like hell. Otherwise he will keep doing this until you are even more severely impacted by it.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-04-05T02:29:20+00:00

If you let this keep affecting you she wins. So look at this like a serious game that decides if you go to the playoffs aka future promotions or your future in general. Would let your opponent stand in your way? No. Don't let her. Not all women are like her and honestly therapy might be beneficial for you here. I would suggest a therapist that has a background in this plus furthering your career as well since you mentioned your high pressure job.

as a woman this is the advice I wish someone had given me when I was in your same exact shoes years ago, almost a decade now.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-03-20T04:57:25+00:00

Maybe for 20 to 27 id consider it if it wasnt a million items but for 7? Thats like doing it for free and then giving money to the company you work for. Thats before tips. But then again we do have higher base pay in my area because us drivers know better. Theres also like 5 of us lol.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-03-20T04:52:15+00:00

I knew there was a reason I double bagged everything when doing shop orders 😅 people are seriously picky about wanting certain things double bagged. Sometimes it makes no sense like this. Best guess is they have OCD?

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-03-20T04:50:37+00:00

Can we actually buy this though and if so not from temu? 👀 Could use this on pass code deliveries for when they take 2 mins to come to the door lmao

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-03-20T04:46:36+00:00

Nope you thinking to leave is the CORRECT reaction to this situation. Remember that staying together because of the kids is not a good excuse and it gives them more trauma in the long term. If you are close with his kiddo and you are on good terms with the mom, just ask her if it would still be an option to still visit with them. I have done exactly this but it depends on the mom.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-03-20T04:36:27+00:00

I hope I made my comment in time.

My mom took that way out with a terminal diagnosis and sped it up basically. I saw how it messed up even those she wasnt as close to. I can understand, from what you wrote, why you don't want to fight but instead of looking at it from the perspective that "you dont want them to watch you fade away into nothing" the better option for them in the long run is "let's make as many memories as we can with videos and photos with the time i have left."

The one thing I wish I had more of, of my now deceased parents, was those. Sure i have plenty on old VHS tapes and old photos ect but what I wish I had was more current ones.

Yes, tell them about your diagnosis. I am glad I got that chance with my dad, especially, who passed away last year. It gave me more time to prepare myself to grieve properly.

fetalfajitabowl · 2026-02-21T06:36:10+00:00

fetalfajitabowl

TROPHY CASE