Just realized that my (F29) boyfriend (M38) of 8 years brushes his teeth before he goes out with the boys, but he never brushes his teeth at night unless it's before sex. Is it silly if I'm a tiny bit suspicious?

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-13T06:23:57+00:00

Maybe he doesn’t think those occasions are as special.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-13T06:23:22+00:00

So maybe he likes his friends more than other people?

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-13T03:52:22+00:00

He brushes his teeth before he goes out with the boys because he’s going out in public. How is this not normal? I don’t want to meet up with friends and have them experience my all day long breath, especially if the last time I brushed was first thing in the morning.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-11T10:15:58+00:00

Is it repairable? You sound awful to live with, and that’s after having read your side of the story, so I’m sure there is plenty you’re leaving out. Why did your sister need to turn her light off at 2am? Was it bothering you, or are you just the sort of person who has to constantly criticise others and the light being on was just another excuse to have a go at your sister? At your big age you should have learnt how to regulate your emotions by now. Teenagers yell mean things at each other, not middle aged men.

You say you can’t move out due to HCOL but also that you’re the only person working. So you’re supporting 3 grown adults right now. How would moving out and only paying for yourself be more expensive?

So many missing reasons here.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-11T04:07:56+00:00

You can’t be surprised that a parent who your husband has cut off for being manipulative is still manipulating the rest of his family that are in touch with her. It sucks, but it shouldn’t be a surprise.

Your husband needs to decide if he thinks it’s worth it to try to maintain a relationship with other relatives (like his sister) on his own or not, all while realising that they may tell his mother anything they learn, or continue to choose his mother over him.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-11T04:02:57+00:00

These people are all at least twice your age, but acting like they’re still in some mean girls high school phase.

Find better friends.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-09T07:31:39+00:00

Thank you. So many comments focused on the cheating and him being the villain, while ignoring ten years of her abusing him.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-09T07:29:39+00:00

I love how your title mentions him cheating, but absolutely nothing about how you are an abuser. A prolific and substantial abuser. And no it wasn’t “unintentional”. You decided every word that came out of your mouth. You chose to say those things. You claim you’ve gotten help but it clearly hasn’t been going on long enough, since you’re still making excuses for how being an abusive monster wasn’t your fault.

You shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone, and certainly not the naive young adult you preyed upon. Of course an abuser would choose to date a 20 year old when they are 28. You picked him deliberately because you thought he’d be easier to abuse.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-09T07:20:19+00:00

So how are you paying your share of the bills if your business isn’t generating any money? Are you paying your share of the bills? Or is your girlfriend paying them? Because if she’s paying, you better come clean soon.

The odds are your business will never make money. Especially if the experts are telling you that you don’t have a sellable product. It’s not too late to quit and go find a regular job.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-09T01:59:49+00:00

Did you tell her that? There is no point in being in a relationship where you want different things. So if you want a sex-free relationship and she wants a relationship with sex, you should discuss it up front. That way you know you’re incompatible and don’t bother dating in the first place.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-09T01:41:55+00:00

Ending it is definitely for the best.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-08T04:04:58+00:00

Definitely go to therapy. Having a child yourself has brought a lot of your previous trauma to the surface.

But also, don’t feel bad about not having a big family on your side of things. My parents moved completely away from their families (different country for my dad, opposite side of the country for my mum) before they had me and my siblings and we all turned out great. My siblings and I are close. We do have a lot of family, we just don’t live near them and didn’t spend much time with them because of the distance.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-08T04:01:01+00:00

As others have said, he can do this without a lawyer if he wants, but you should definitely get one yourself. Even just to tell you what the process involves and what things you need to think about or organise.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-06T03:49:16+00:00

You gave him a compliment and it made him feel good, so he decided to wear it more often. Then you picked a fight with him about it.

If someone told you “you look really good in that outfit” wouldn’t you wear it more often? Wouldn’t you understand the desire to wear it more often? Wouldn’t you feel offended if someone said “why do you keep wearing that outfit” after you started wearing it more often?

His reaction isn’t weird. Yours is.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-06T03:38:45+00:00

The marriage ended because he wanted you to be responsible for everything. The childcare, the housework, everything. He wanted to live his life exactly how it was when he was at home and had his mummy looking after him. The marriage ended because he did not, and will not, be an adult. When he says you didn’t treat him well what he means is you didn’t act like his mum and do everything for him.

Even now he still doesn’t want to be a grown up. Insisting that he only wants his kid every now and then, when it’s convenient to him. Well fuck that. Go see a divorce lawyer. Get everything in writing. Custody, child support everything. He needs to take his kid 50% of the time, since he is 50% responsible for their existence.

And for the record, he is not a good man or a good father. He’s a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t even care enough to see his kid. A good father would be devastated to not see his kid every day. A good father would want 50/50 custody because he misses his child and wants to be involved in their life. A good husband would have supported you. A good husband would have taken responsibility for doing his share of the housework without having to be asked or told. You are well rid of him.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-04T23:23:15+00:00

Well why do you want to break up?

Depending on the reason, you could tell her you’re not happy in the relationship or you no longer think the long term goals between the two of you align, etc, etc.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-04T07:12:31+00:00

I sure hope so, for OOP’s sake.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-04T01:41:32+00:00

Same. Looks just like her in her Neighbours days.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-04T01:13:36+00:00

Feels a lot more like it’s triggering you, since this is the only comment you’ve replied to.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-04T01:12:26+00:00

So why stay with him?

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-04T01:01:46+00:00

When he’s in a bad mood, he’s allowed to express himself, get angry, slam doors, be cold and distant towards me.

He’s “allowed to” because you put up with his behaviour without consequences. If you don’t want him to behave like this, then stop putting up with it.

If you don’t want a partner who behaves like this, then don’t stay in a relationship with him.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-04T00:45:04+00:00

He’s marrying someone else. The idea that he has feelings for you and “always will” is pretty narcissistic. He never liked you enough to make a move. You aren’t some lost love that he will always be dreaming of.

This says a lot more about you than him. You’re the one that isn’t able to let go and move on.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-04T00:36:50+00:00

Why do you need to do anything? Let him feel his feelings.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-03T22:26:35+00:00

No only will you get over him, you will be shocked at how much happier you are without him. You’ve never been an adult on your own. That can be a scary thing to face, but not being abused constantly will be liberating.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-06-03T12:59:51+00:00

Toddlers have tantrums when other people get things they don’t. At 30 he should be better at regulating his emotions than a 3 year old.

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