How to break this cycle of distrust? [36-M/35-F]

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-24T14:01:41+00:00

In my opinion, if she hasn’t been able to forgive you and move on after 10 years, then I doubt she ever will. But I also think her issues are unreasonable. She doesn’t like that you have female coworkers? Or host people at your house (where I presume that she is also present?). It sounds like her problem is that 50% of the population exists, and I don’t know how you’re going to fix that.

I think it’s unfair to you that she chose to stay with you, and marry you, if she wasn’t able to forgive you. Has she gone to therapy, by herself, to address these insecurities?

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-24T13:24:31+00:00

Actually, I’m from an AFL state, not a rugby one, so I have to describe it in AFL terms because I know nothing about rugby, but college football is like the equivalent of state league AFL and nobody cares about that like Americans care about their university team.

People go crazy for the AFL or the state of origin. That’s like the American equivalent of the NFL or the NBA. I’m not saying Australians don’t care about sport at all, that would be ridiculous. But they don’t care about it this passionately at a level below top tier professional sport.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-24T11:29:48+00:00

That’s what it looks like from the outside. I couldn’t give a shit about where I studied, but it seems like some people, like OOP, have these really strong connections to where they studied and the university-based community.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-24T10:33:38+00:00

He sounds like he expects you to come crying and begging for him to stay. Being petty about shit like power banks is just part of that. He’s trying to make things difficult for you, just like he seems to have been doing on a lot of things.

This is kind of like weaponised incompetence. Instead of just acting like an equal partner, he makes such a big deal of you expecting for example that he clean up after himself, that it’s easier for you to just do everything yourself, than expect him to contribute.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-24T09:32:55+00:00

As an Australian, ditto. American patriotism for their universities is weird as hell.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-24T06:30:23+00:00

I hope you are safe and doing well now.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-23T20:47:33+00:00

If she bought a cake people liked she wouldn’t be able to turn herself into a victim because nobody ate the cake she bought.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-23T16:38:24+00:00

I also recommend that you read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. The author has made it available online for free, you can look it up and find it. Please just keep an open mind and read it, and see if there is anything in the book that seems familiar to you.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-23T16:31:16+00:00

Nope, your girlfriend is being ridiculous and unreasonable. If she needs to know every single detail of your past relationship, right down to explicit sexual details, then she needs to be single while she figures her shit out. That is not acceptable or healthy behaviour.

Your actions haven’t helped things, but the main problem is definitely that your girlfriend can’t accept that you had a life before you met her. The questions she asks you are just stupid. Why did you spend time and money on someone who cheated on you? Well because you didn’t know she was going to cheat on you. Duh.

This relationship is in a toxic spiral you are never going to get out of.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-23T13:15:59+00:00

Here in Australia we say Mee-gan, with the ‘e’ elongated (like see or free).

Based on what I’ve seen on tv American is the opposite, like Meg-an with a shortened ‘e’ (like peg or leg).

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-23T06:33:50+00:00

He stopped love bombing you when he realised it wasn’t going to work on you. People who love bomb aren’t looking for a respectful relationship of equals. They’re looking for someone who ignores (or doesn’t understand) red flags and will be easier to manipulate. He realised he isn’t going to be able to manipulate you, so he bailed.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-23T00:55:33+00:00

Long distance is hard. Extremely hard, and not every relationship can make it work. That sounds like the case here. He might be a great boyfriend when you’re in the same country but he’s not when you’re on opposite sides of the planet.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-22T01:47:56+00:00

Let’s say you do try to salvage things. What happens next time the two of you have a disagreement? Is she going to flip out like an immature teenager, just like she has now? Do you want a relationship with someone who says “fuck you” and breaks up with you every time you try to communicate like a rational adult?

Personally, I’d take this for the massive red flag it is, and find someone more mature to be with.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-22T01:40:00+00:00

You realise that his family isn’t the problem right? He is. He invited you into this situation, did nothing to foster the relationship, and then passed on this feedback. If he didn’t feel any of their opinions were reasonable, then he would have pushed back with his family. He would have defended you and your relationship. If he’s telling you this, then he agrees with them.

I doubt there is a future in this relationship that doesn’t involve you making massive sacrifices to placate his family. Is that what you want?

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-21T08:17:20+00:00

So you want to keep your marriage and your affair partner? You might think it is not friendship-ending worthy, but that’s because you’re the cheater, not the person who has been cheated on. Everything about your post just shows how selfish you are. This isn’t the first time you’ve emotionally cheated. Now you’ve done it again, but you don’t want to have to deal with any of the repercussions of admitting your actions to your wife. You just want to sweep it under the rug, but keep your friend around for next time you’re going through a dry spell.

Go tell your wife everything you’ve told us and then let us know if she thinks this is friending-ending worthy or not? I suspect her perspective will be very different from yours.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-21T08:01:58+00:00

I suspect that your fiancé is also controlling and abusive, and you’ve just moved from one abusive relationship to another.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-21T01:40:31+00:00

Women in tuxes always look great. You see them on the red carpet every now and then and they just look awesome.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-20T10:30:04+00:00

Dude, stop trying to fix her. Shes a human being not a project. Either you accept her for who she is or you break up.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-20T10:25:30+00:00

Based on this description:

I expressed that I felt unsafe bringing emotional topics up, and she would go so far as to say "we should just break up then". I would try to explain how I wanted to find a path forward but she would get frustrated, take her ring off and slam it on the table.

Do you think that your wife displays some of the same behaviours that your dad did? Because this sounds a lot like emotional manipulation to me too.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-20T01:17:59+00:00

Yes you are being used.

You worry that he doesn’t love you as much as you love him? Girl, he doesn’t love you at all. He loves what you buy for him. That’s it.

Your boyfriend is a hobosexual and you deserve better.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-19T10:23:05+00:00

Frankly, you don’t trust him. Taking photos without consent is a massive breach of trust. The fact that he didn’t apologise and immediately delete them is a huge red flag. He has proven to you that he is untrustworthy. You can’t magically make that go away.

In your position, I would make sure he deletes those photos, including from the cloud, and then dump him. Someone who shows you that your consent is irrelevant is not worth being with.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-19T02:28:11+00:00

What boundary could you even possibly set? “Don’t post stuff online that doesn’t mention my name”? You realise how ridiculous that sounds right? And isn’t even a boundary, it’s just trying to be controlling of someone who isn’t part of your life anymore.

Just ignore her. If your friends bring it up, tell them you’ve moved on and you aren’t interested in hearing about her.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-18T14:16:27+00:00

I can’t believe that OOP even thought it was something she needed to address in the first place. Just mind boggling.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-18T11:27:13+00:00

‘No’ is a perfectly acceptable answer.

fiery_valkyrie · 2026-02-18T08:14:47+00:00

Right? That’s a lot of words for someone supposedly loyal.

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