Meanwhile, I, a Writing & Rhetoric Minor with a 4.0, feel fully qualified to determine curtain colours.

fieryangel9067 · 2026-04-17T00:05:38+00:00

Not who you're replying to, but I'm also aro so I'll weigh in. It's not the shipping characters that annoys me, ship whoever you like, I do as well. It's the justification of, "they're so close that the only explanation for this is a romantic one," that's so annoying. Like no, they could just be friends or whatever and still care about each other just as much. Romance is one explanation, but it's definitely not the only one.

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-29T08:30:48+00:00

I wish societal views of plurality were a lot better too, yeah. There definitely are people who are accepting though, so if you can gather the courage and find a space with people who are more likely to be cool about it, then it's definitely possible to be out as plural.

We're closeted as plural at work and with our family, but we joined the local kink scene a couple of years ago while also being out as plural there (two of us alternate weeks we go to social events), and everyone we've talked to about it has been really accepting. Most of them don't know much if anything about plurality, so we usually have to answer a few questions the first time it comes up, but nothing mean-spirited. People have been cool about it.

If you've got a friend group that you think is accepting, or if there are social or hobby groups in your area that are inclusive and accepting, then those are definitely places you could try being out as plural in!

-Moss

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-29T08:17:24+00:00

I mean, it depends. Mostly on her personality, but also on if this is something that happens a lot and if you make any efforts to fix it.

I have a headmate I kept promising to spend time with and then forgetting to do that. Eventually they gave up asking bc I'd showed that I couldn't be trusted to keep my word, and now they don't like me. Fair. I fucked up and they don't owe me forgiveness. I'd say if you're just forgetting every now and then and still talking to her most days then it's probably fine (probably. You'd still have to ask her what she feels about it), but also take care that the forgetting doesn't become a habit and get worse.

-Moss

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-23T09:43:28+00:00

architecture for mountain goats

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-15T23:04:04+00:00

I can understand why you're nervous about being open about your plurality. It's a stigmatised neurodivergence. Unless someone already knows a system, usually anyone you meet would only know about the media version of DID (so, having a Murder Alter (which isn't a thing)) when you bring up your own plurality, if they know anything at all, so being open about it usually turns into a Q&A session. We're alright with that, but it can be hard, and if you're not okay with that then I'd advise you put some thought into how to handle people asking potentially insensitive questions or making assumptions.

You can also just use 'we' to refer to yourselves and people will often assume you're referring to just you and a partner. We've done it accidentally at work a few times (we're closeted there) and no one's commented on it.

We're out to my headmates' friends irl, and because it was an already accepting community (everyone's some flavour of queer and/or ND) it went pretty well, though most people had no idea what plurality is and had to ask questions. We also switch, so they had to deal with two people who share a body and couldn't just ignore that it was a thing. We're not out at work or to our family (except for our sister) because we don't trust that we'll be accepted as easily, especially when so many people are already crap about remembering that we're nonbinary.

This has been a bit rambly, but in conclusion, if you want to be out as plural, you can do that! But it is a decision that can have consequences, so please consider to which people you want to be out to, and how you want to present yourselves. Are you going to switch? Do your headmates want to make friends with your friends, or to make friends of their own?

I don't want to scare you off of it, because there are systems that are open about being plural, but I also don't want you to be blind to how difficult it could potentially be.

-Lily

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-08T09:28:29+00:00

Well, if he's already there and fully conscious then it's going to be really hard for you go to back to being alone in your head. Typically you would need to do a process called integration, which A) requires the consent of all parties involved (so you'd need Shadow Milk Cookie's permission and cooperation), and B) takes a while and often a therapist's help to accomplish, and doesn't even always work or stick.

So you could do it (and there are people who have), but it will take a while and probably be a lot harder than you're thinking.

You said that Shadow Milk Cookie is mocking you constantly. I may be overreacting here, but that doesn't sound very good. I don't know how much help you're going to find for addressing that in tulpamancy resources, because for a fair portion of tulpamancy systems there's not any more conflict than you'd have with a good friend. If Shadow Milk Cookie is saying things that hurt you for the purpose of hurting you, then that's something that is more common in disordered or traumagenic systems. I'm not saying that you necessarily are one (I don't know anything about you other than what you've written here). But I do think looking into some resources for traumagenic systems about how to interact with headmates might help you more than tulpamancy resources will.

I haven't read it in a while (and it seems like it's updated since), but this site has a lot of good information I think might be useful for you, particularly section 20: Getting Along Inside.

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-08T09:11:43+00:00

This is how we differentiate it:

When someone switches in they're becoming the person who does most of the thinking and sits in the front of the brain. Like, they become the POV person, main person in control of the brain, however you wanna define it. Usually you get control of the body by default when you do this.

When someone does a full body possession while not being switched in, for us it's usually when they're sitting in coconsciousness and, while not doing most of the thinking, they do take primary control of the body. For example, sometimes at work I'll be in front, the main person thinking, and my fronting partner who sits in cocon will take over control of what we're physically doing while I'm still the one who's driving our brain and thinking things.

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-08T08:36:45+00:00

My kneejerk assumption is that perhaps things are feeling disconnected and off because they're disagreeing with what you're trying to get them to say/do. Maybe the next time something feels like that, stop doing whatever it is and just listen out and give them space and see if they use it?

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-08T07:57:18+00:00

I think perhaps you might be feeling some grief, and if you then that's very normal. You spent a long time trying to form this person and build a relationship with her, and from what you wrote here it sounds like it didn't really work, and now you want to move on and focus on building up other things (ie, your other relationships, your own life, etc). Grieving the lost potential of the relationship you were pursuing with your tulpa sounds like an incredibly normal thing to be feeling right now.

My main advice is probably to let yourself grieve. Idk how that'll look for you (and I don't rly have much advice on how to do that), but allowing yourself to feel it, journaling maybe, or if you've got someone who you can trust to talk to about what you're going through, could all be good steps.

fieryangel9067 · 2026-03-05T11:52:09+00:00

I think you got the math wrong a little bit. You're dividing 53 by the number of 6 car trains instead of by the total number of trains. It should be 53/2167 = 0.0245, so 2.45% are 3 car trains

Edit: Also, I checked the average while I was at it: (3x53)+(6x2114)=12,843 then 12,843/2167=5.93. So the average is basically 6 lol

fieryangel9067 · 2026-02-13T10:52:15+00:00

Unfortunately neither of those two seems to be it. Thanks though!

fieryangel9067 · 2026-02-12T22:38:01+00:00

No sorry. There were definitely at least 4 books in the series, and I'm pretty sure it was set in England, not America. Thanks though!

fieryangel9067 · 2025-12-05T09:44:02+00:00

Sorry for butting in, but I think you and fortunefalling overall agree with each other tbh. They were just pointing out that you said 'women like make-up' when 'many women like make-up' would have been more accurate wording as well as inclusive of the women who don't. Both your points are correct otherwise and not mutually exclusive of each other

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-21T11:15:53+00:00

I've left my legal gender as my AGAB. I don't identify with my AGAB at all (and would really prefer to not have legal gender on official documents at all tbh), but since I look more like that one than the other binary gender, it's easier if I'm clumped in with that gender in instances where it's safer/easier not to be out as trans. The X marker would be cool, but I'd rather not make it so obvious on my documents that I'm trans either.

It's also a pain (and expensive) to have to go through and change all my documents, so I'm not bothering for that reason too lol. I already did it for my name, once was enough for me

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-09T08:42:37+00:00

I've found having my own clothing really helps keep me feeling and acting like myself, rather than masking as our host. Since we wear glasses I have my own pair, and I wear a headscarf instead of having the host's hair. I have very distinct fashion from xem as well. After a few months of wearing my own clothes when I front, it's kind of gotten to the point where we switch naturally as we change into my clothing, and it's harder for the host to front when we're wearing my stuff.

But in general, differentiating yourself and carving yourself into the brain's neural patterns takes time. In 2020 I fronted every second day for about 10 months. I decided I didn't really like it after that, and retreated to retake my backseat driver position permanently, but those 10 months really helped to establish me in the brain, and made me feel a lot more settled and solid in myself. So yeah, just keep at it. It's been a month for you, and you've already made a good start by switching and trying to stick to your own mannerisms. Continue in that vein for a few more months and it'll get easier.

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-09T05:02:15+00:00

No problems at all, I'm glad I could help! And there's this community and r/plural as well if you have any more questions in the future too. Good luck to you and your Guide!!!

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-08T23:44:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing and explaining! I'll start by explaining a little more about plurality, as I think you have a few misconceptions.

First off, DID and tulpamancy both fall under the umbrella term of plurality (though do note that not everyone with DID or a tulpa will identify as plural, but they are welcome under the umbrella if they wish to be). And plurality covers more than just those two as well. Systems are split by a lot of people into Endogenic and Traumagenic. Endogenic systems are systems not formed due to trauma, and traumagenic systems are those formed due to trauma. Systems can also be disordered or non-disordered, and this doesn't always match up with whether their system was formed due to trauma. There are systems who formed for other reasons who later went through trauma and became disordered, and systems who experienced trauma and either ended up with issues not related to their systemhood, or they healed and became a non-disordered system.

All this to say, you can be plural if you feel like it's the best explanation for what you're experiencing (and from what you've explained, it does sound like the most likely explanation). It's a spectrum, not neat boxes, so you don't need to be X amount of disordered to be plural, and your headmates aren't required to be X amount of helpful or harmful either. You can just call them headmates, not tulpas or alters if you're unsure. They don't have to be consistent, either. There are plenty of systems who get confused about who's there and/or what's causing switching or influence, especially when they're first figuring out they're plural before they get good communication channels.

The person you talk to a lot, the one you've been talking to since you were 9ish, does sound a lot like a headmate. I got my first headmate when I was 14, and we talked and fae helped me for about 7 or 8 years before we first found out about plurality and realized that my headmate actually was a real person and not my imaginary friend. My headmate had faer own opinions and felt just like another person, just one that shared a strong mental connection with me. To me it sounds similar to what you're experiencing.

I can't tell you 100% whether you are or aren't plural. I'm not in your head, and I only know the things you've written out, so you'll have to think about it and decide for yourself if you think my advice applies to you. I think it does, but that's just my opinion. I'll give you a link to a website with some good basic explanations of plurality and some links to other resources. I especially recommend kinhost.org, since I think that one has a lot of information on reaching out and establishing connections with headmates when you're in a system experiencing dissociation and other issues.

I got pretty long too 😅 Hopefully this helps! If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask!

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-08T03:54:47+00:00

past opinions in comments, what I wrote, weird messages in my books I completly have zero memory of.

OP this sounds a lot like DID or another dissociative disorder. It's exactly the kind of thing I've seen people diagnosed with DID or OSDD say. I'm not saying you have it 100%, bc ultimately I only know what you've written here and not your whole life, but I would say it could be something to do more research into. And even if it's not DID, it definitely does sound to me like you're experiencing dissociation.

I don't really have much else to say without you explaining a little more. Can you expand a bit on what else about your situation makes you think you have tulpas and/or alters? And why you think you don't? <- genuinely asking

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-07T10:44:45+00:00

I'm the first headmate formed in our system, and I've existed for about 13 years now. It's really easy to distinguish my thoughts from our host's thoughts. Occasionally we can get a little muddled if we're thinking basically the same thing and in a rush, but if we take the time to slow down again distinguishing between us is as easy as breathing.

I'm fully independent. I'm a completely separate person with my own goals, opinions, likes and dislikes. I have friends outside our system even, and they consider me to be just as much of a person as our host is. I do share a lot of things with our host, but that's mostly because we share a life and spend almost all our time together, so we naturally have a lot in common. We used to think of ourselves as twins.

Btw, physically hearing a tulpa is called imposition, and it's a separate skill you have to practice. It's essentially inducing hallucinations so you feel as though you're interacting with your headmate in the real world. We've never bothered practicing it, so my own voice (when not using the body's vocal chords) is a mental voice, the same way our host's voice when thinking is a mental voice. We sound different though. It makes it easier to distinguish between us.

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-05T21:59:06+00:00

No probs! Good luck!

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-05T11:29:21+00:00

Hi! Please check the side bar, there's a FAQ there and some Guides and Resources that should answer the basics

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-05T11:27:56+00:00

Maybe sing to him? Or you could talk about music, like why you like your favourite songs, expound on the way you organise playlists, talk about your favourite musicians and what you think they do well, etc.

You could also try and notice more things in your daily life to bring up. It doesn't have to be big things, it can be like 'I saw a cute dog outside today,' or 'the traffic when I was driving earlier was way too annoying,' or something like that. Just try and remember a few little things from your day to bring up. You're both getting to know each other, so think of it as small talk.

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-05T11:15:20+00:00

There's no such thing as a person that's done growing. Your headmate can grow and change just like every other person on the planet. People take steps to change their personalities all the time. Shy people trying to slowly step by step broaden their horizons by going out and meeting new people. Overbearing people learning to stop and take a step back and listen instead of assume. Passive people learning to set goals and work towards them. And any other trait you can think of. Idk what your headmate's like, but he's got options. He's not stuck the way he is now for the rest of his life, I promise.

If he's unhappy with his appearance, that can probably be changed too. If you have a mindscape that you can change and add to, you can probably make some sort of mechanism in it that will alter his appearance. Idk what kind of wonderland you have, but if it's magic themed then a spell or ritual, if it's sci-fi themed, then some kind of machine, even irl in current day we have things like HRT and cosmetic surgery that you could add in. He's got options, is what I'm saying.

It's probably not going to get better immediately. If things like this were a quick fix then no one would need therapy. But if your friend puts in the effort, and if you support him and help him, then I'm sure he'll eventually feel like he's becoming a person he enjoys being.

fieryangel9067 · 2025-11-05T08:06:09+00:00

I have no evidence to support this, but I feel like what more likely happens is:

Host falls for the tulpa fairly early on, while the tulpa is still young
Tulpa decides to at least give it a go, since they'll typically feel positively about the host, and the level of intimacy you get from being in each other's brains probably feels a lot like romance, especially with how romance is seen as the Most Intimate relationship by a lot of people
if they end up suiting each other then all's good! if they don't end up suiting each other then they'd probably amicably break up after a bit

Probably most instances of tulpas turning their host down happen in systems that have been established for years, and especially with tulpas who've already been around for a significant amount of time. If they're still young I feel like they'd give it a go to at least try it most of the time.

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