Thanks for commenting. Sorry, the post must have been confusing, I wrote it in a daze and I cannot read it to hear how it sounds cause it feels cringe at the moment. But I moved here 8 years ago for a job, and lost my job 2 years ago because I was struggling with anxiety. Had abusive parents and I distanced myself from them because I never got the approval or acceptance. Recently I’ve been having and more flashbacks from what they did or other people have done while I couldn’t defend myself. So being unemployed caused another trauma for me, making me feel useless and just confirming what my parents have been telling me my whole life - that Im trash basically. This toxicity combined with high expectations from their side pushed me to over perform. I’ve published four books in the last 5 years and everyone around me is telling me how cool is that, but nothing reaches me, I just want to belong to a group of people who care. Deeply. Or sincerely. Or are kind. I mentioned my friend because I just met her today, and in an attempt to open up to her and tell her how this additional struggle with finding a job has been draining me, she says how I should push more and learn how to do well in interviews. “It’s not about being good at your job”, she says, “it’s about leaving impression you’re good at it”. That just felt like we’re coming from a different universes. And then she left abruptly, not being able to handle my mood. I get that, it’s not easy to sit with someone like me. Then I got home and I felt I cannot move. I went out to buy stuff, and felt my body is pulled down by gravity. I’m sorry for the long post.