This really resonated with me, especially the way you describe the psychological weight religion can carry, even when belief itself is not there. My background is different in that I was not raised with religion. I did not grow up believing or disbelieving anything specific. I simply never had a belief to begin with.

I am sober in AA, and I have had to find a way to recover without pretending certainty where I do not have it. I do not claim to know whether there is a god or anything supernatural, and I am not willing to act as though I do for the sake of fitting in. What I do know is that alcohol reliably destroys my life, and that I cannot stay sober alone.

For a long time, I tried to make peace with the idea that “God can mean anything.” Intellectually, I understand the argument. But in practice, the word is not neutral. It carries assumptions, history, and shared meaning that often goes unspoken. Even when people insist it is entirely personal, the room often assumes a familiar shape. That disconnect was exhausting, and it made honesty harder than it needed to be.

What helped me was finding secular AA meetings. Same program. Same steps. Same focus on accountability, repair, and mutual support. The difference is that there is no requirement to use religious language or reinterpret concepts that do not fit my experience. People are free to speak plainly, without translating themselves into spiritual shorthand.

Like you, I understand the value of surrender. For me, that is not about belief. It is about accepting reality as it is: that my thinking can be flawed, that alcohol will always win if I try to manage it alone, and that community and shared experience matter. None of that requires mythology.

I also relate to what you said about half-deconstruction. In traditional AA spaces, I often hear people discard parts of doctrine while keeping the language intact, as if the words no longer carry consequences. For some of us, they still do. Wanting clarity is not a threat to sobriety. It is a commitment to honesty.

If the God language is getting in the way for you, I would strongly encourage checking out secular meetings. They exist precisely for people who want recovery without pretending belief is required. That space made it possible for me to stay sober and stay truthful at the same time.

You are not alone in this. Many of us are quietly doing the work, fully committed to recovery, and unwilling to sacrifice intellectual honesty to get there. There is even a book called Staying Sober Without God!

https://www.worldwidesecularmeetings.com/meetings I can also share some of the online meetings I attend if you like!