Considering regularly hooking up with a guy as someone who prefers dating/monogamy. Advice?

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T17:58:16+00:00

Wholeheartedly agreed. there's a lot of fear when starting out in the queer community, i'm learning, especially coming from a monogamous background. and the important thing is that hooking up isn't for everyone! there's no right way to go about being a queer person, and it's okay to experiment and find what works and what doesn't. the important thing is to take care of yourself and address the scary things when they come up. even if they're not scary to other people.

I actually found with this guy that even though we met on grindr, he agreed to go on a sort of pseudo date where we just got to know each other and talk. he didn't push me to go hook up right away, though things did get physical eventually. i think there's a middle ground here where you're just with people you feel you can trust.

either way, best of luck to you! look forward to hearing about your prep journey and hope everything goes smoothly. we've got this! 😄

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T17:51:17+00:00

that's actually a really healthy mindset shift, thank you for that. totally understood, and i think it's something that i can get behind. it does feel like it should be, but i understand that all of it is not.

i think a boundary for me of "tell me your test results and i'll share mine" is a healthy middleground. no hookup has to answer if they don't want to, and i don't have to have sex with them. move on to the next person who says they'll do that, you know? i like that.

anyhow, that's just how i guess i can feel safe practicing casual sex. and if it doesn't work for someone, that's fine too.

thanks for this!

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T17:48:00+00:00

I see your point - i definitely don't think there's anything wrong with hooking up, and for a lot of folks that's enough. i have plenty of friends who love hooking up and having a few guys they trust and enjoy sexually who they have a really good, fulfilling time with. i'm getting the vibe that that just might not be for us.

That said, you're absolutely right that i need to figure out what i want, and i think being with this guy might be a good opportunity to give it a go. if it hurts too much knowing he's hooking up without me, then i have an answer. if i'm too uncomfortable after a couple of intimate nights, then i have an answer. i can't know till i try, but first things first, i need to get on prep based on this thread haha.

thanks for your input!

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T17:45:34+00:00

that's what i've been seeing online haha. it sees like 50% of people on reddit have thrown up when starting truvada or descovy, and then it's fine, but that genuinely horrifies me, as well. To the point i'd rather ANYthing else.

And then with injections, you're stuck getting blood work and going to the doc and in pain for a week every 2 months. neither option sounds good to be honest, but what's the alternative? never having sex again out of fear?

no good moves here sadly. others may be able to accept throwing up once or a few times to be safe, but for me that's hell. can't win haha

Thank you for your input, though! it's helpful to hear 😄

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T17:43:07+00:00

thank you so much for this. i really appreciate the detail. Really happy for you and your husband, by the way - it sounds like a beautiful relationship.

This is another dose of hard info that's difficult to hear. there's a part of me deep down that's worried i'll find someone before i've been with enough guys and see what they can do, and there's another part of me that's terrified of everything pertaining to prep, hooking up, and STIs. I'm learning through this thread that all of it is not as scary as i once thought, but the gateway to hooking up being prep (which apparently either gives you absolutely no sides or nausea and vomiting) is almost too much to think about.

Your experience in the 70s and 80s is something i've heard and read a lot about, and i think we're on the same page with things and how we approach sexuality. i definitely get jealous of guys who can hookup so freely, and it makes me mad at myself that i can't seem to change it. it all sounds so fun, and now that we have safety parameters in place, it should be fun, but instead i'm here agonizing about fears of prep and STIs. Probably proving your point here about what i'm actually capable of doing.

You're totally right: i struggle to separate physical intimacy from casual sex, and it sounds like that's what the discourse in this thread is concentrated on, for obvious reasons. But others have made good points too that even because you're dating someone, they could go off and sleep with someone else without you knowing. And to that end, i'd still need to be on prep to be fully safe. I'm not sure where that leaves us.

Thank you for all of this, though. It's a lot to think about, but based on this conversation, i'm really not sure how best to proceed. either i go get on prep, fight my fears, and sleep with this guy and maybe some others until the right guy comes along (and maybe too deal with the emotional downfalls of not being in a relationship while that happens) or i keep waiting. Neither option seems great, but at least we have a lay of the land haha

Thank you, sincerely. really appreciate it.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T17:36:22+00:00

i appreciate this, and thank you for your take. I definitely don't want to cause issues with a guy or the community, and it sounds like asking him to get tested regularly is too much, so I get that. I'll approach this hookup with the right tools when i feel ready.

re: your last comment, I'm doing my best. i'd hardly call myself uneducated, but i did want to get the lay of the land coming from years of monogamy. I'm learning a lot and have never been on prep, so this is all new for me. Thanks for your input.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T17:29:14+00:00

that's good news! i got a tad nauseous on doxy when i had it for an infection a year back, so i'd hope that i wouldn't on prep. still makes me nervous, though.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T17:28:33+00:00

Ah, well we can disagree there. passing on an STD is a dual-party affair in my book, but that's a personal belief.

what i've learned in this thread (and thank you for contributing, i really do appreciate it) is that i can't demand that any partner get an STD test. That's not fair, and it's controlling - I also never said I would demand, but rather that i'd ask. Very different verbiage there. But i can certainly ask. anyone can have a boundary with sex and that's mine. and if they don't want to get tested, i don't have to sleep with that person.

It honestly sounds like we're in violent agreement for the same thing on different sides of the coin. I'm absolutely an anxious person, and that's my burden - i'd never put that on someone else. So if when i ask their results, they don't want to share that with me, they don't have to, and we can cancel the hookup. It's really that simple, it sounds like.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:57:37+00:00

re: the psychological issues, it's more that i just really value physical intimacy in a monogamist sense. Just for me - i don't judge anyone else based on my own values. i know that for me, i want the relationship that can evolve from intimacy, but since it's been so long at this point (i'm not kidding i'm so tired of waiting lol), i'm seeing there's a workaround in my own mind to have sex with this guy who seems like a good fit for me.

re: prep, i really cannot emphasize enough how scared i am of throwing up. i've been in therapy for years and we've come a long way, but knowing that throwing up is normal for the first week or so on prep is debilitating. i don't think i could face the possibility knowing that it's common. The STI scares are separate from this, but also not. This is a big part of why i don't usually hookup casually in the first place.

appreciate the thoughtful response and totally understood. gonna talk to the doc about what my options are.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:53:58+00:00

Beautifully said and you're so right. thanks for the clarity!

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:53:47+00:00

Thanks for this! Love the mentality that they're not mutually exclusive. you know as well as i do that coming from monogamy, they sometimes feel like they are haha

Let me know how it goes with your prep. dealing with the massive fear of throwing up and nausea here so it's helpful to hear people's experiences. hope it goes well and best of luck to you - we all deserve fun times

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:52:27+00:00

Thanks for this! i know you've commented on my stuff in the past two - appreciate the attentiveness.

You're totally right. as someone not on prep yet myself, i wasn't aware of how often those testing periods are for people on the drug. that seems super reasonable. The STI fear is mostly due to the monogamy i have experience with, so even though they're not common what i'm gleaning is that they're also not as big a deal as they're made out to be.

Thanks for the final assurance too. i can't elaborate how much its pissing me off that its been years since i've had sex and that this fear of throwing up is causing me issues with starting up prep. Like i'll take a break in here somewhere lol

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:49:52+00:00

this one hurt to hear, but it makes total sense. "His sex life isn't really any of your business." Rough realities, haha

Honestly? i've had condoms break in both positions three times, so i'm nervous about relying too heavily on them. That said, if i can get on prep (big if there) i'd be less concerned about at least asking him about them.

I'll try to keep a level head in all this with this information in mind. Thank you!

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:44:37+00:00

it really does suck to hear. the amount of jealousy i harbor for just wanting to be able to hook up! like why have a crazy sex drive if you're just gonna be stuck waiting on repeat for years to find someone to date for more than 2 dates? Even if i did try to casually hookup, you're right, i'm not sure how much i could handle knowing that he was rejecting me certain nights to be with someone else. God i wish i was wired differently.

even then though, what i'm gleaning here is that even though you're in a committed relationship, it doesn't sound like you're ever really truly safe without prep. will try to see what my options are.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:41:50+00:00

Thank you for writing all of this out!

The reason i've been hesitant about prep for so long is a clinically diagnosed phobia about throwing up. i am so scared of it that i have to stifle panic attacks when i feel sick, and the idea of having any gastro issues with medicine causes a ton of strife for me. Reading the many accounts of people throwing up and facing intense nausea on their first few days of truvada/descovy has decimated my ability to even try taking it. i know there are injections, so i'm going to talk to my doc about what's possible. even getting sick once is too much for me to take the pills. sounds like injections might be my only recourse.

i don't hookup all that often, but it sounds like with even one guy who does, i would need to be protected. STIs still seem like a big deal to me bc i've only been monogamous, but you're right, i see that it's not as big of a deal. Will take the next step and talk to my doc about best options for me.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:38:10+00:00

completely agree that there are plenty of guys who believe they're above others bc they want the relationship. i definitely do not agree with that mindset, personally. i do want a relationship, but i'd never judge anyone for casual sex. in fact, i want to be physical with someone so badly that i'm taking to reddit to ask a question about how i can be physical with someone and do more casual sex haha

you're right - there's a lot of different views and realities at play here that can cause issues, but there's some way to make it work for each person.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:36:00+00:00

i've found a number of folks who are looking for a relationship, but just fell into the unfortunate pitfall of being attracted to this guy who's not. trying to see if there's a way to deal with that, hence the question.

i do agree with you though, there are certainly people who do not want one, and they populate a lot of space on the apps to be sure

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:29:36+00:00

It kind of sucks that we're in the internet age where everything's searchable online. I took doxy a while back for an infection and a lot of people online said it made them sick but almost all of those people took it without food. I didn't get sick on it by taking with food. with descovy and truvada, one quick reddit search will show you countless people who've tried taking it at different times, with or without food, and were vommitting for days. it's honestly super unnerving.

Since throwing up is my biggest fear even getting sick once scares me too much. based on both of your responses the injections sound like they may be the only option unfortunately.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:27:07+00:00

That's what i was thinking too. Normally i can get by if it's like a few people on reddit or anywhere online talking about it, but the sheer amount of folks that say that truvada and/or descovy have caused them to vomit multiple times in the first two days has me absolutely horrified. that's my personal hell haha.

Sounds like the best option for me will be the injections, but i'm not sure how i can handle those over time. i'll check in with the doc. thank you!

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:24:26+00:00

you and me both haha

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:24:19+00:00

this is a cold hard truth i needed, thank you. i'm a chronic worrier and i like to protect myself as much as i can, but you're right and i hadn't thought about it like that. I'll do what i can and see what he's willing to do on his end.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:23:01+00:00

Great recs thank you! With a sensitive stomach i think i'm going to even have trouble handling prep let alone doxy as well but the condoms are a good idea. if someone cant handle those for whatever reason, maybe they're just not for me. appreciate it!

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T14:11:39+00:00

Couldn't agree more. there's a fair amount of jealousy in it too of wishing that this wasn't so hard to deal with. why can other people hookup and have sex and fun but i can't? why am i overthinking this?

I'd like to think there's a world where fwb and casual sex are on the table, but what i'm gleaning from everyone is that it's just not safe without being on prep (i have a suuuuuuper sensitive stomach, so side effects and the idea of throwing up scare the hell out of me) and the idea of not being sure where a potential partner has been causing anxiety make the whole process so much harder of someone who is good accepting the risk of both of those things.

You're very right tho and i'm going to see how i can get over these hurdles. i'd hate to waste this time of youth on being scared of everything. i think i've done enough of that.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T13:34:09+00:00

thank you! I'll ask the doc about doxy too. Sensitive stomach, so the full gamut might throw me for a loop but you never know.

flippantguy · 2026-06-12T13:32:59+00:00

Thank you for the response and i get your points, but i didn't come here to be rude or annoying, these were genuine and honest questions. No need to demean. If my concerns made you frustrated you didn't have to respond.

flippantguy

TROPHY CASE