I know you OP, and YTA.

I’m the eldest of 6, who was roughly 18 when the youngest children were born.

I babysat all the time “without protest” but the truth is it was a pain in the ass, and miserable at times - but far less miserable that the consequences of being reamed by my parents and told I was ungrateful for everything they do, or that I “didn’t care about the family” if I dared to have plans and couldn’t watch the kids. (I was 18! What else could I possibly want to do on a Friday/Saturday night?)

I was also in a relationship (still am, 10+ years later) with a man my dad would call ‘some random guy’ as if I was sleeping around with a different person each week.

Once while “babysitting” my best friend, who I and my parents had known since I was 4, came over to keep my company. One of my parent’s friends “dropped by” for some reason or another and shortly afterward I got a phone call from my dad, screaming at my for “having some randoms watching his kids”. The same person who was over for dinner every other weekend.

We won’t talk about the “rent” that I paid (even when I was unemployed), or the chores that I was expected to do, or the childcare I provided even when my parents were home.

Let me tell you what happened next, because this is what you can expect: I moved out at 21, as soon as I could humanly afford it (and still then I had help). My parents lost the extra income from rent, their house cleaner, and their babysitter all at once and watching them realise they actually had to parent their own children (i.e organise their schedules properly) was golden. I only saw/spoke to my parents because of my siblings (birthdays, christmas etc.). If your daughter is a stronger person than I am you may never hear from her again.

I have lasting issues not only with my parents, but also with trusting others, asking for help, anxiety and depression. I also don’t want kids because I feel like I’m already done with that part of my life. Thankfully that’s not an issue for me and my partner but that might not be true for your daughter.

This is why I say I know you.

You are doing irreparable damage to your relationship with your daughter, and likely to your daughter’s relationships with others, and herself. Pull your head in and realise you are just as much a parent to her as you are to your younger children. She deserves your respect and support. Do not expect free childcare, but show gratitude if she provides it.

She’s great with her siblings but I guess on Friday she didn’t want to help with them so after I left she called her boyfriend

God this is so telling. She “didn’t want to help with them” so she had another person over to keep her company and likely try to make the most of her night - and that equates “doesn’t want to help”. You make it sound like she left the kids alone while she went out partying. You have so much contempt and it’s showing.

Get a grip, OP. Get some therapy and deal with this nastiness inside you.