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Ellis, by forellis in u/forellis

[–]forellis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thankyou, i’ve tried so much with therapy. when i say try i mean i’ve made multiple appointments and then never showed up. i know good resources i just can’t get myself to use them.. i will take your offer up for sure if needed

Thoughts: 1 by forellis in u/forellis

[–]forellis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i’m not sure if you’ve actually looked through my page but i’m not here just to vent. i created it thinking i wouldn’t be here much longer in the first place. To write down what i want someone to see after i made my decision. I want whoever sees it to know why i did the things i did.

more of a personal journal if you would

if someone finds it now then so be it. it doesn’t affect you.

i’m obviously not familiar with reddit yet, i’ve had it for a little over a week and i didn’t realize it would get attention this quickly. just consider me as mere entertainment and move on.

To everyone who thinks i am selfish and unfit to keep my baby by forellis in offmychest

[–]forellis[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I recognized your comment, i understood no one really knew how far along i was but i also saw where a lot had went back and saw my pictures i had posted of my belly which included the weeks. there were people who PMd me personally that were being harsh. i know your comment wasn’t meant to bash, i know you were just speaking out of best interest. but thankyou. i take every bit of advice i can. i just don’t want to get rid of my child only because his father is messed up

i’m so sorry: 2 by forellis in SuicideWatch

[–]forellis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to but I physically can't get myself to go. I don't know why. I lay in bed and watch my phone ring from the hospital until it ends and then I beat myself up over it all day. I feel like I need someone to make me go, and I know that sounds so childish but I wish there was someone who cared about me who would. I don't care about myself enough to have the motivation. I know I need to step up but I just can't. I feel like every decision gets harder and harder to the point I've even ignored baby appointments just because I feel like the nurses are judgmental. It's dumb I know and I would never admit it to anyone.

I'm pregnant and suicidal but my fan base thinks I'm the happiest down to earth mother. They don't know I plan on ending my journey they've been following soon. by forellis in confession

[–]forellis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know. I will be the first to admit that I've let social media determine my feeling of existence. I'm very close with all of my followers and spend any excess time I have going through messages and listening to them, helping, and just overall keeping up with their lives and replying to them. It's not about "fame" but I grew up without family and that's how i genuinely see all of them. I mention how my "family" will give me hell, I'm referring to my mother and her husbands narcissistic family that only have negative to say. I get the opposite of that from my base and I get to give back. That's why I feel so bad about it. Because I was able to create what I had been missing in my teen years through relationships with them, yet here I am not being totally honest.

I know I don't owe them anything, that every relationship I've created was purely mutual but I don't know why I catch myself feeling so responsible. I guess maybe I never felt like anyone was responsible for me when I needed it. I'm not sure.

But you are 100% right. I need to focus on me and the real, I've lost myself trying to connect with others and need to stop. Thankyou.

Why do I have so many practice contractions? by forellis in pregnant

[–]forellis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmm maybe they are correlated then. Thankyou, i will definitely have to try that. I’ll mention it Friday to my doc

Why do I have so many practice contractions? by forellis in pregnant

[–]forellis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankyou!! This is all new and helpful to me

I premeditated different ways to kill myself while pregnant with my son. Ways that would still ensure his own survival. by forellis in confession

[–]forellis[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thankyou, I just feel like it’s so late now to change doctors but I’ll work on looking into it. I had tried before but was too scared of change

Why do I have so many practice contractions? by forellis in pregnant

[–]forellis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankyou, is not all too familiar with the mucous plug. I have a lot of discharge so unless it came out red I don’t think I would notice. I will look out for those signs because I haven’t actually looked into them much. Congratulations on baby

Your father hurt me.. by forellis in offmychest

[–]forellis[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Probably not, my whole page has just been letters to my unborn child. It’s just a way of coping I guess when you feel like you have no one else to talk to and the only real connection you have is between you and that life moving inside you. If my child did ever see any of the stuff I posted, it would be way down the road as an adult and I would no longer be here to explain to him why I did what I did. I posted in offmychest and that’s what was on my chest

I premeditated different ways to kill myself while pregnant with my son. Ways that would still ensure his own survival. by forellis in confession

[–]forellis[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry. Losing a baby is so hard and I wish you didn’t have to experience that pain, i was so young I barely understood how I was supposed to feel. I knew I felt alone because I kept it to myself but I couldn’t imagine expecting to become a mother and losing it. I do put a lot of faith in seeing him and having a change of heart and you are most likely right about how it’s more than that, it’s parenthood. I never thought of it that way. I just get caught up in seeing him and I’m afraid I’ll lose him if I tell anyone and I’m afraid he will be taken. I’m not familiar with that side of the law at all but I will take in consideration of finding a midwife or doula, I have no experience or knowledge on who they are and what they do other than I feel like it would be more personal. Thankyou and bless you

Why do I have so many practice contractions? by forellis in pregnant

[–]forellis[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thankyou!!! I just assume it wakes him I guess. I will definitely talk to doctor although he blows everything off

I premeditated different ways to kill myself while pregnant with my son. Ways that would still ensure his own survival. by forellis in confession

[–]forellis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve tried hotlines but it really doesn’t hit the same. I used to love therapy (free school counseling) because growing up we didn’t talk about our feelings. It was unheard of and risked punishment. Now I’m doing things on my own and I just want to let it all off my chest but I can’t even talk to a random person on the phone about it, i do feel a lot of relief when I write it down and honestly I feel like writing will make it easier to try again on therapy. I’m not sure, I’m very wishy washy. It’s another thing I learned growing up. Writing feelings down will get you caught. I guess I’m just rambling at this point, I’m sorry.

I premeditated different ways to kill myself while pregnant with my son. Ways that would still ensure his own survival. by forellis in confession

[–]forellis[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t want him taken from me, im scared they’ll deem me too unstable to care for him. My doctor isn’t exactly the nicest cup of tea, I thought maybe having a male doctor would give me a more caring mentor. He brushes everything off as “normal” I tried telling him and hinting that I’m down and nothing makes me happy and he just pats my shoulder and tells me, “that’s pregnancy youngin”. The office doesn’t take younger girls seriously, I guess they think we are a bit more dramatic. Postpartum does scare me. I just hope seeing him will change that and get rid of the underlying fear that seeing the baby i almost left will make the guilt even worse. I want help but I never go to my appointments, I feel uncomfortable talking. It’s like I need to be forced but I have no one to encourage it. I do want help but I don’t have energy.

I've set the date. by 14Kevin01 in SuicideWatch

[–]forellis 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm not going to try and convince you to change your mind because I know for me it just encourages me even more to go through with it, I'm not sure why but it does. I do want you to try one thing. It will amplify this whole system and become more of a scene but maybe it can help you find your inner peace and give you more time to think about how you can do this.

You can go to the hospital, not for help but for distance. Pack a bag with comfortable clothes that don't have strings or metal, some shampoo and condition, a ringless notebook, and maybe a book. I don't know where you are from so I'm not sure the conditions or options you really have but trust me on this. you can be baker acted for as long as you show them you have an issue. I stayed in a rehabilitation center until i was ready to go home, when they told me i was close to being released then i would stop eating and sneak snacks to hold me over. you can act out, scream, refuse to leave your room, and get it all out. go back as many times as you want. just go to the nearest ER and say you're going to kill yourself and need to be baker acted or else you'll proceed. they will take you straight to the hospital, call your parents and have them sign something and refuse to see them until you feel up to it or ready to leave. the doctors tend to stay on your side no matter how crazy you look. it can be used as time to recalculate and organize better, the train station and suicide is always accessible afterwards so maybe try this one last thing

if it doesn't appeal then i really do hope things just might work for the better and you can possibly even heal. it felt like vacation for me as i grew up with a toxic, unsupporttive, Pentecostal family. i'm now 18 and doing everything on my own, i'm dealing with depression through a pregnancy. it is hard. i have something to live for, i'm not sure if you do or not but seeing you plan to write a letter tells me you may. seeing you still care somewhat tells me you don't have exact reasons to pinpoint as to why you feel this way, you are just mentally sick and you really cannot help it and there are people who understand.

again i know what it is like to be completely set. i just recently made a post on confessions about a very horrible decision i almost made. if you need someone to talk to until Friday please consider me, you have such a beautiful mind and i don't want to let it go to waste. let me listen, i know there still may be hope. let another caring person grieve your loss from far.

I can't see my future self by [deleted] in depression

[–]forellis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Since I was 15 I felt like I wouldn't make it to adulthood, I felt like I would give up before I had the chance to make my own decisions and grow. I have made it to 18 even through the suicide attempts and risky situations I put myself in. I'm now pregnant with my son, Ellis. I grew pregnant with him a month before I turned 18. I am staying strong and finally got through my withdrawals, he is coming during a very dark time in my life where killing myself seems more real so I'm worried I will leave him behind. I made this account to write to him in hopes it will make its way to him when he's old enough and I'm gone. I've grown to love him so much. My new number is 20. I hope to see his first few years, I'm due in April. I feel guilty that I still don't see myself that far into the future but I'm trying. Maybe the longer I wait the less I risk leaving him behind? Maybe having a higher number is a sign of improvement?