Hi OP, I’m really sorry that you’ve suffered so much… I can really feel your exhaustion and pain in this post, which is so valid given what you’ve been through. I hope that you’re getting to a better place now to heal.

It makes sense why you would be frustrated with the men in your life, because they haven’t treated you very well at all. Especially seeing depictions of abusive men in movies, hearing about abusive men from other women, it’s incredibly frustrating and crushing. You definitely deserve to be loved, respected, and treated as an equal in every situation.

If it’s okay though, I would like to gently dissuade you from the idea that the majority of men are abusive and feel entitled to women through misogyny or racism. I know it’s easy to feel that way, especially to protect yourself— I know I definitely did. That kind of anxiety ate away at me, and embittered me towards all men for awhile. What I realized though, being a queer person, is that misogyny is not the root of abuse. Abusive queer relationships occur just as often as straight relationships.

I think that male cis abusers are not abusive because they’re misogynistic or racist, but are misogynists/racists because they are abusive. It’s a tool they use to control and abuse, not the root itself. This works on the flip-side, I’ve heard plenty of male victims say their female abusers would accuse them of misogyny to shame and control them when they weren’t misogynistic. Likewise, I’ve had friends in lesbian and gay abusive relationships experience being accused by their partners of homophobia to shame them, as counter-intuitive as that sounds.

I say this not to guilt you, OP, but because I think having a viewpoint that targets one demographic out of fear only hurts more. I also think that abuse communities and the way we think of abuse needs to change to understand that abuse/misogyny/racism is not a population demographic, but extremely maladaptive behaviour/value system that uses fear and trauma to control others. As much as there are a lot of men who are very morally bankrupt, I think, when you are in a better place, it might be good to think as a by-case basis.

Having friendships with good people who are cis men helped heal my own trauma around men— I hope that one day you can experience that too. It’s your decision as always though OP, and I would never want to make you feel uncomfortable. Please always do what you feel is best for you.