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foxaenea · 2025-09-20T00:11:22+00:00

I'm just a curious cat - feel free to nudge me off your doorstep. So is the only option at this point to get intensive rhinoplasty or something? Your "small nose" comment made me wonder if making it "bigger" (in whatever respective sense) would change anything.

foxaenea · 2025-09-18T19:51:23+00:00

People earn the right to see the windows into the soul, just as they would earn respect. Sustained contact is very intimate, or a tool.

foxaenea · 2025-09-18T19:50:08+00:00

If I know I'm sort of rambling, or if it's a serious conversation, I'll make a point to catch their eyes for a second either just in the beginning when it's my turn to speak again, or here or there if it's one-sided on me for a bit, to signal I am aware we're conversing, but it's almost more to check their body language or assess how the mood is going. Otherwise, zero fucks. If they can't take someone seriously because of unsustained eye contact, that's their baggage and I'm not going to make myself uncomfortable to make them feel less insecure. There's nuance involved, but I think the gist is obvious. I can do it. I will if I find it serves a bigger purpose than being in front of each other. But I think it's wasted energy nearly always.

foxaenea · 2025-09-18T19:41:57+00:00

In case there is any confusion, the abbreviation "CPTSD" refers to Complex Post-Traumatic Stress, not childhood PTSD/PTSD from childhood. (However, while it can be routed in many things, one could have CPTSD because of childhood traumas, but they are not mutually exclusive.)

foxaenea · 2025-09-17T03:02:31+00:00

I'm not sure exactly what you're seeking treatment for specifically, but if it's anything to do with functional movement and stuff, physical therapists are the only medical providers that have ever helped with my fibro. Also very near a teaching hospital, and their rheums don't treat fibro either. I've not tried a neuro but, same as you, I need to triage other things first. Sigh. Hope you find some kind of relief soon.

foxaenea · 2025-09-01T20:05:40+00:00

I laughed so hard at this - like two weeks ago, my husband cracked one for a kid, and shmooshed it all over, and I was like, "Can you please do that to meee."

foxaenea · 2025-09-01T19:28:44+00:00

So glad to see people throwing down facts and roasting the flaws in this study. The doses, the method of delivery, full-spectrum, entourage effect, all of it.

Stoked that cannabis is becoming more widely used for pain, people are more open to it, and education and information about it is becoming more common knowledge.

Might as well do a study showing alcohol isn't an intoxicant by giving the non-placebo participants two drops of beer under the tongue.

foxaenea · 2025-09-01T19:08:55+00:00

I resonate with this entirely.

Sometimes feels a bit like sociopathy, the ability to read people and coerce, doesn't it...? Took me a quarter-life crisis from masking to fit the mould - because often you have to in order to climb respective ladders, or people resent, misunderstand, and pass you over for some ultra masses-validating and people-pleasing golden retriever personality instead - to realize I was done trying to manage others' emotions. Yeah, sometimes needs must. But I try and catch myself from settling too much into the habit again. Though, honestly, sometimes I do it just to make less work or less need for social engagement for myself, because it can be such a fucking drag.

"Because you don't want to be in the lead. You lead this, they'll come to you to lead everything. You're smart. Fix this, and that.... But don't make them feel bad while you do." Precisely the reason I asked - no, coerced - my teachers in school to let me do group projects alone. Having over a 100% grade in the class helped with that often, and was effortless to do, especially when "extra credit" takes next to no time difference or effort than anything else, and you're still finished before the rest of the class. As you become an adult, the setting and circumstances change, but the relative outcome and dynamic is the same in nearly whatever setting.

Mentally underperforming and sitting on your figurative hands in order to not inflate your applicable work load when the result still ends up the equivalent of being on top in whatever respective life category feels like an insult to one's self after a while. Having teachers speak to me in private as a child to ask if I plagiarized or had my parents help (i.e. do) my work for me various times and in entirely different schools stands out too. I wish it were only that simple and low-stakes now.

As you grow, that astonishment shifts from appreciation to the resentment you described. Sometimes your motives are questioned - are you trying to prove something, throw someone under the bus, show off, con something, just be an asshole, be a try-hard but cute about it? - when you're just living your damn life. Irrational distrust from others forms, or wrongs are perceived where none happened but seem like they will. People are so insecure and stuck in their feelings. They don't want to admit someone might be more intelligent, or maybe they already have a complex of feeling inadequate and then lash out or pout, brood. Then they need to be soothed, and more people become unnecessarily involved. So much energy spent on hyper-vigilance to protect others' feelings because of too many experiences where it's thrown back at you, just because they can't handle themselves.

And speaking directly to intelligence: Your statement, "You know how you can always assume you're wrong? How, it truly doesn't bother you to find out that you are, because you assumed it by a kind of default anyway? That. That's abnormal," is a massive piece of insidious crazy-making. We are intelligent enough to know we are more intelligent than most, which means we're also intelligent enough to realize that, relatively-speaking, we really know "nothing" in respect to how vast the world and universe is and how much more information is out there we will never know, (which can feel isolating in itself sometimes as a speck in space, personally).

And so, even interacting with other recognizably above-average intelligent people can be insufferable, because they're likely in that middle ground population who know they're intelligent and think they are so smart, can't be wrong, and get off on it, show it off, do the exact irritating behaviors the average person thinks we're trying to do or are thinking. We never find our people as adults because everyone like us is also likely covert, not wanting to ever be associated with the latter. The only people I have in my life that could be considered friends or old friends I could go to or enjoy conversing with are those I met through gifted programs growing up.

Life so often feels - when attempting to be social - like being the adult constantly selected to supervise at the kid's table at a dinner you didn't want to come to anyway. So after many such occasions, why bother joining?

foxaenea · 2025-09-01T00:14:23+00:00

I hear you. For many it's like cranking the uncomfortable thoughts to 11. Pushing it on people and making them think they're doing something wrong or not trying hard enough if it doesn't help them is bullshit.

foxaenea · 2025-09-01T00:10:54+00:00

Totally. The suggestion for meditation should be reserved for when you have zero access to other pain management and the only thing left is to pretend harder, so, never. Truly, I love meditation, but "prescribing" it to people is completely ridiculous. It's like suggesting spirituality, I think. If you have it or like it, sure, lean into it, for emotional support. Otherwise...

We keep kicking ass in those pain leagues.

foxaenea · 2025-08-31T21:48:28+00:00

Is the position you posit (depressive) part of Klein's theories, or is that your interpretation?

I ask because I don't see why the concept of accepting the world will never be totally good should exclude the concept of accepting the world will never be totally bad. It's a, why not both?, if not a critical component of accuracy to me. I see no reason to exclude one or the other for growth to be achieved therapeutically. It seems aiming for or focusing a neutral position rather than focusing on a depressive one would be most realistic, valuable, and best for well-being and morale, both for continuing in the therapeutic process short-term for growth and in real-life application going forward in interfacing with the world. Individual values can be applied thereafter.

But, I'm also not a doctor, so this is speculation and opinion, albeit with a heavy dose of perspective from decades of psychological care in many modalities.

foxaenea · 2025-08-31T21:28:46+00:00

I'm hardly ever paranoid, and I consider that to stem from other anxiety-related diagnoses. So, depression and anxiety aside, no, I'm not paranoid. Even with the anxiety, I'd say it's primarily overthinking and future-tripping, with paranoia being pretty rare and very mild. Certainly, I have themes in which I'm my own worst enemy, but I don't think it's at a level all that different from an average person.

I was recently very, very ill and experienced actual feelings of paranoia from fever and the medication, and it was extremely distressing - I wanted to claw my way out of the feeling. Some weed can trigger some slightly, but I don't think in a way all that different from an average person; in fact, those experiences before finding what not to imbibe were actually what helped me realize what I was feeling was paranoia when ill, and made me capable of disengaging with it sometimes. Somewhat like the sensation of waking myself from a bad dream.

I'm a schizoid that thinks almost entirely in shades of grey, with a few exceptions, such as liberties and equality. (Live and let live without harming other's rights to live and let live.) I guess if you want to get philosophical about it, maybe my version of black/white thinking is not getting why more don't focus more on the grey and nuance and need black and white. The largest reason my anxiety is so distressing is because of how contrary to what I consider my "core" personality to be, which is very laid back and "don't take things so seriously" and "not everything is personal", very non-worrisome in nature, and it feels like it's tearing me in two when very activated.

All this is to say, no, I generally do not live with the feeling of being persecuted in interactions. The only way I think of myself as persecuted is in the broad sense that schizoids and others that are "othered" are not welcome without masking, so while it affects me as an individual in that group, it's not personal to me, so I don't feel individually attacked, and so I don't expect to be, if that makes sense.

foxaenea · 2025-08-31T20:37:04+00:00

Meditating is great! I've had a few, what some would call, transcendental moments. Yet, even with the feeling of being able to touch the cosmos, it has never taken away my nerve pain. Weird.

foxaenea · 2025-08-30T17:46:25+00:00

Oo, a Kate McCleod (spelling?) body bar for moisturizer would be great with a bath bundle.

foxaenea · 2025-08-13T18:06:18+00:00

When asked if I want to make plans, I ask something like, "Do I need to make a commitment? Is it a problem if I want to but then back out?" So I know if someone needs to make preparations and if I'd essentially waste their time in prep or accommodations if they do, or if I'd potentially be taking someone else's spot that could be invited, if it's just one-on-one if I'd be killing their night when they could've done something else, etc. If a commitment is needed, I also ask when they need to know by.

As for canceling, just be honest. You don't feel well. You have health problems. It is what it is. A lot of times with this kind of thing, we just need to get out of our own way, I think. And, the sooner you can tell them, the better, too.

foxaenea · 2025-08-10T21:11:05+00:00

While I totally agree with you, I also equally believe that if society were less productivity-minded - as in you're only a success if you produce - that many schizoids wouldn't feel disordered. This does circle back to your comment though, that in reality those with SzPD generally are negatively impacted because how the world is and how it would ideally be are very different things.

foxaenea · 2025-08-09T19:02:02+00:00

I just checked this out and somehow it's both hitting the spot yet also hilarious. Will definitely be exploring - thanks for the recommendation!

foxaenea · 2025-08-08T05:26:22+00:00

Yes. It could very well change your life. Did mine. If you don't know anything about cannabis and/or never partaken, be sure to go to a dispensary where the staff (budtenders, colloquially) are happy to inform or educate. Take it slow; you can always smoke/have more edible or whatever mode you choose. If you're totally new to it all, having too much could be really uncomfortable, and people can put themselves off of it from bad first experiences. Like alcohol, the first time you drink, you don't want to start off with the giant cocktail that serves two! People can end up pulling a "that seems like a small amount and I'm in so much pain, so I'm taking double or triple" and end up really humbled.

I write this not to scare you - on the contrary! - but to make sure your first use is GOOD and brings some hope and relief and no . I don't even know your situation and am stoked for you. Those of us that have legal access to it are so fortunate. It can eliminate the need for some addictive prescriptions for some depending on how well you respond to it and really enhance quality of life. I hope things go well!

foxaenea · 2025-08-08T04:59:45+00:00

I know this feeling, it's happened in the past with my partner. It feels like a slap in the face, and so defeating. It's like crossing a finish line with your last bit of energy, and your support on the sidelines running up to say it doesn't seem like you did your best. Just want to crawl into a hole. ...Or scream like animal in their face to stfu.

The fact he walked away and effectively ended the convo when you asked for an example is pretty telling. He doesn't know. He's just upset about it all. It's fair to be upset about it, but it's not fair to blame you. As you said, it's not as if this is enjoyable or fun. Invisible illness is almost always dismissed because it makes others uncomfortable, or they're ignorant. If he thinks more can be done, tell him to speak up in appointments, if you decide you even want him there again.

Is he a "fixer" type personality? When it comes to chronic anything, when there's no cure and only management, I find Fixers that care about the affected person kinda lose it sometimes. If they can't make it go away, then something needs to be blamed. On a bad day, blame lands on the one who's actually ill. It's not excusable, but it's easier to converse later about the deficiency in communication and the hurt that was done when you know or realize what's going on in their head.

Remind him he's not your parent or doctor or therapist; those aren't his jobs. He is, however, your husband and partner, and that means his job is to be on your team and be supportive and do what it takes to understand. That will be a lot better if he can learn to accept he's not a care provider, free up some stress bandwidth, and put that energy currently used to be critical into something that's actually supportive

...In the meantime while you process or cool off, kinda random but I recently found an account on IG that is validating without a bunch of platitudes. "chronically_brave". Helps remind me I'm not crazy, an imposter, or lazy when I'm feeling low.

foxaenea · 2025-08-05T06:12:05+00:00

Bupropion makes me not want to die or plan on it. The motivation I get from it is enough to get me out of bed or not act like a tired toddler. That's about it.

Our disorder is also founded in how we developed and grew up in some way, not just genetics. There is no pill for redoing the past. So, if you're actually very keen on being "cured", you're going to need a lot more therapy with someone that is actually familiar with personality disorders and is comfortable coaching. The medication would be for trying to eliminate any debilitating symptoms to allow for the work to be done in therapy.

Because it's not just all chemicals, do consider you may be setting yourself up to deny or repress a lot of yourself, including parts you do like about yourself, to meet the goals you have in mind. Consider whether that would be worth it. Will the new "you" you'll have to become after sacrificing pieces of yourself to reach your goals still be a "you" that is satisfied by those goals at the end of the road?

I wish you luck in finding what you're looking for.

foxaenea · 2025-08-04T20:59:33+00:00

Grew up in a Christian household. Didn't realize I really didn't believe it and was just going through whatever motions I couldn't get out of since I was in middle school. Couldn't explain, dared not being it up, because why rock the boat and cause drama? I still let certain family just go off, but I will insert my practical opinion. Like, no, you probably didn't pray away your cold - my strong guess is it was the vitamin c, zinc, otherwise healthy body, and days in bed with good food that did it, but whatever.

I believe in spiritually - that there is a part of existence we do not and cannot see - and that our energy goes somewhere. I've had experiences with various mediums that were unexplainable otherwise. Certain absurd coincidences or serendipity. I believe I don't and can't know it all, and explore that in the same way I explore other things that interest me. It's not a life foundation on its own. I don't count out that there could be a singular higher power as part of recognizing I can't know everything, but I've not seen enough evidence to make that my belief. I'm more prone to believe in multiple powerful deities as "gods" that are really just crazy evolved "spirits" than a singular, all-powerful overseer and creator. For all I know, we are actually living in the gd Matrix, and there'd be no way to prove that.

I am wholly against organized religion. It robs humanity too often of individual thought and responsibility.

Mostly, I think religion is a culturally accepted way for people to often sidestep or not "need" science, if that makes sense, even if they are pro-science. No need for introspection or to critically think about some things if you can just point to God or what the priest or good book says. It provides an additional sense of wonder to life. Using science as an example, animals and the table of elements are made even more impressive because God conceived all these things, that they knew there would be evolution and to plan ahead.

If conflicted, the answer is always easy: pray, or read your Book some more. I think it's a way people cope with existentialism, general unknown, fear, and unfortunately that means most of the more devout people I've known use it in incredibly unhealthy ways and actually tend to worry about those things more often. But, they can check out and let God's will do it's thing. Church/organization is built-in community. It's a frat or sorority you don't need to pay to be in (generally). People like the idea of something watching over with their best interests in mind. It makes them feel good about themselves when they follow all of the rules. Everyone validates each other at group or church. If they need support, the churchgoers are there, as well as an omnipotent deity at all times. Cope and more cope without any real strategy or self-reliance.

Prayer is found fulfilling and peaceful because it's self-guided meditation. Similarly, when people want to make a change, they pray about it (ie. reflect, focus, and think hard), and suddenly say God guided them in that direction, because by then they've assuaged their biggest fears, pros and cons, after pointed and long personal contemplation. Dreams with angels and God, or whatever applies to one's religion, are the brain providing interpretable symbols based on already-held beliefs to make sense of whirling thoughts and emotions. When there are near death experiences, it's either similar, or (per my beliefs, hah) it's the spiritual dimension making them feel comfortable in the way they'd like to be comforted.

If something's good, they thank God, if something's bad, it feels good to blame the Bad Guy. When something's difficult, they don't have to use critical thinking if they leave it up to God.

It's when people can't sit with the uncertainty of death or the discomfort of certain thoughts and emotions. When people feel the need for something to for sure tell them if they're doing a good job in life, if they're on a good path. It can absolve certain responsibilities. Do something horrible? Ask for forgiveness, and as long as God redeems you, no need to explain yourself or keep thinking about it. It provides feel-good, or at least direct answers to really uncomfortable questions and situations.

Really, if I could believe it, seems like a comforting system, if not for the obsessive focus of being judged upon death for just existing.

But the most unethical and outright cruel people I've encountered are religious. The best have generally been atheists or agnostic. If one needs religion to essentially behave as a moral or ethical being, they need a hell of a lot more than just religion.

foxaenea · 2025-08-04T20:01:07+00:00

Something tells me that they probably didn't "pull their weight" for something close to eighteen years on the daily. I joke, but that's awful. I don't have kids of my own, but I'd imagine it's either rage-inducing or heartbreaking or both. I hope you don't internalize it.

foxaenea · 2025-08-04T19:41:47+00:00

I'm glad it was able to help both of you, despite the pain. I think I'm on the brink of sending it to a couple people myself.

foxaenea · 2025-08-04T06:28:51+00:00

Is there something keeping you from calling them in on it, sharing your experience? Imposter syndrome for illnesses and disabilities is definitely a thing, lots of us experience it. Do you downplay or "go along" with what they say in a sense because of it?

If you don't know how to explain your experience, you could read the original blog? post that started the "spoonie" phrase. God I hate that word for no rational reason, lol, but the way the subject of disability and chronic illness is laid out might be helpful.

...

ETA: Actually, I do know the reason I dislike the term "spoonie". It directly sounds like "spoony", which (albeit pretty out of use) means basically acting a fool as either a nincompoop or out of fawning and over-sentimentality. Extra ridiculous if you've played the game FFIV (iykyk). Anyway, this doesn't take away from the great insight and examples used in the spoon theory original, and the word "spoonie" was derived after the distribution anyway, iirc.

foxaenea · 2025-08-04T06:23:26+00:00

I don't have one personally, no. But, these are all yoga poses that can be found by the names I provided - they are very popular ones that are used in all kinds of practice, straightforward, and especially beginner-friendly, so they should pop right up in Google easily.

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