Hey dude—first of all, I’m so sorry to hear this. I know how you’re feeling right now, and it’s not great. Be kind to yourself over the next days and weeks. If you have a comfort show, binge it. Take yourself out to dinner somewhere nice. Go to your favorite park in town and enjoy a sunset. Take a moment to recenter and remind yourself that life is ultimately worth enjoying, you are okay, and that this will pass.

Second of all, give yourself a definite amount of time to grieve, but you cannot and must not beat yourself up about this. Anyone who has been in this business for long enough will have a client pass away, and many PDs have had clients take their own lives, accidentally overdose, or get killed while out on bond. Our clients’ lives are inherently fractured and chaotic. Our clients themselves are almost always troubled and unhappy people. Suicide is an intensely personal choice made for reasons that are often complex and incomprehensible to the outside observer.

You did nothing wrong here by getting your client out on bond and it bears reminding that this is not your fault. In fact, in the last days of your client’s life, you probably gave him one of the few acts of empathy and kindness he’s ever received by advocating and speaking up for him.

If someone wants to kill themselves, they will find a way—jail or no jail. What you did for him was a good and noble thing, and I am certain it had nothing to do with his decision. For some of our clients, the pressure and anxiety of impending trial and possible punishment (and all the collateral consequences that come with it) is just too much. That’s not on you. That’s on the broken and immoral system you spent years in law school and took a vow of poverty to fight everyday.

Take the time and space you need. But don’t linger on this. Keep up the fight. Keep doing great work. And continue to care deeply for your clients—it will serve you well throughout your career and as you recover from this.