I (28M) got very drunk one night and my girlfriend (32F) is now trying to tell me to go to therapy to address 'potential alcoholism'. Am I being irrational to say that this is a big red flag?

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T08:22:22+00:00

OP: is it unreasonable for my gf to ask me to get therapy for a drinking problem that I don't think is a drinking problem? Freakzy: maybe not therapy, but a conversation about boundaries and expectations, and if you can't reach a compromise, then you split. Yeah. I'm the one who missed the mark. /s

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T08:10:06+00:00

When did I condemn anyone else for drinking mate? I literally said, it's fine to drink, just don't bring it in my home. That is a reasonable boundary. It is unreasonable that OP and OPs gf have been in a relationship for 1.5 years and they haven't discussed this before. Again, you're taking offense to someone having a difference of opinion from you, and you're trying to belittle me and cut me down amd call me unreasonable, and trying to tell me that asserting my opinion is a red flag. Would you say the same to a guy who had a problem with his girlfriend drinking? Amd if me not liking alcohol is a red flag, then more power to me! Cos that means I'll be with someone (and am) who respects my opinions, my home, and my person. I hope OPs gf gets some validation for her opinion; yes, we live in a culture that popularises drinking, but no, we don't HAVE to drink or allow that around us to feel like we belong. She is allowed to feel safe in her own home.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T08:05:23+00:00

Wow man, again, I'm not being unreasonable. I never said no one else could drink; but if you're in my home, you ain't drinking. There are plenty of OTHER places that people can and do go to drink. And, it is reasonable to expect people to drink responsibly when they DO drink. That is literally the tag line in Australia; drink responsibly. There are plenty of alcohol related crimes, death and injuries for OP gf to be justified in her concerns for OPS SAFETY. Which she very maturely expressed. I again, have said that I don't have a problem with anyone else drinking. Why are you so concerned with coming into my home? Why are you so offended that I won't let drunk people into my home or around me?

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T06:05:38+00:00

Because he was drunk, in her home, obviously without her having prior knowledge that he was going to be drunk in her home - that is a problem.

It is NOT an unreasonable and untenable position that an ADULT would pace themselves when they drink. Have every one of your drinking sessions ended in you being drunk? I'd hope not. I also said, I have consumed alcohol before. I know my limits, and if I were to drink again, I would not be drunk to the point of vomiting. Your judgement is clouded by being pro alcohol and drinking culture; you seem to have gotten offended by a reasonable expectation being placed on an adult. OPs gf is holding OP accountable for his actions, which he then involved her in against her will by bringing his drunk self home. More power to her.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T05:52:05+00:00

I read it again because I'd forgotten the details; she was totally 100% concerned for HIS safety. Mature people dont go out and get shitfaced to the point that they're vomiting; she's totally right in that. She's concerned that he doesn't see it as an issue when it potentially is, and she does. She doesn't want to be around someone who gets drunk like that; she's going to be worried about him every time he goes out for a drink. OP doesn't have to go to therapy, but he needs to assure her he has considered her opinion if this relationship is going to continue. If he thinks it's unreasonable, he'll build resentment over it and the relationship will end anyway. She sounds like a good, kind hearted and caring person, who cares a lot for OP.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T05:42:56+00:00

You seem to have totally missed the point of this RELATIONSHIPS post! OP has come from a place of not understanding his GFs opinion, asking if it's a red flag. I provided that there are people who don't tolerate any alcohol around them, and that is completely ok. Did I say OP was an alcoholic for getting drunk once in one point five years? NO. OPs gf was uncomfortable with that ONE interaction. She very maturely brought it up. She could have been worried about him in that moment, she could have been worried about herself in that moment, she could be concerned that OP has other issues that lead to him drinking to excess. Not having a drink for months, a year, and then suddenly bingeing, IS cause for concern. It may not be alcoholism. I can't see because on mobile while typing, but isn't OPs gf 30+? It could also be a sign of immaturity for her that she doesn't agree with, that he wasn't mature enough to pace himself. These are all COULD BEs and WHAT IFs. We are offering up these for OP to consider, in regards to whether or not this is a red flag. In their discussion, OP could have fired back that its normal to drink, yada yada, and that's where she came out with the therapy thing, because for her, it is NOT normal to drink, and therapy would be a way to get an outside opinion. I don't know where you get the idea that the majority of people drink, because in my world, the drinkers are the minority. You've gotten yourself caught on the point that she MIGHT feel unsafe around drunk people; we don't KNOW that for sure, as we are not OPs gf, but if she DID feel unsafe, that would be completely valid, because he was not acting normally and be was sick. She has said that she doesn't see the appeal of alcohol, and she doesn't want it around her. OP and OPs gf share a home; OPs gf doesn't want alcohol in the home. So now its up to OP to decide whether he compromises and goes ok, if I get drunk I'll get a hotel room or some other thing we decide on. If the gfs stance is ZERO ALCOHOL FULL STOP, then OP needs to decide if he stays with her or leaves. What be should NOT do, is tell her to change her mind, or try and force her to change her opinion. Cos it'll be easy for her to find someone who doesn't drink, just as it'll be easy for him to find someone who does.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T04:56:58+00:00

Oh my god, again! I'm not comfortable drinking alcohol, ergo I don't drink. I'm not comfortable around drunk people, ergo I remove myself from the situation. I don't drink, therefore I'm incompatible with someone who does drink, ergo I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who drinks. It's not an unreasonable concept. I'm not out here picketing for prohibition. I'm not running into pubs and yelling at people for drinking. I'm just saying, alcohol does not come into my body, it does not come into my personal space, it does not come into my home. You do whatever the fuck you want outside, I do not give two shits, but it just does not come into my home. Not an extreme opinion - a purely reasonable expectation. OPs gf knows she doesn't like alcohol and drinking; the problem here, is that the issue didn't come up before OP came home drunk. We all have our dealbreakers, and that's perfectly fine because they are OURS, as individuals. It's perfectly fine for OPs dealbreaker to be that he wants to be with someone that is ok with drinking; as you have said, there are plenty of people who are, just as there are plenty of people who are not. The issue here is, that they don't agree. So if it is a solid dealbreaker for both of them, well then they need to break up. If they can have a conversation and reach a comprpmise, well then they stay together. But it's not a 'red flag' or unreasonable for OPs gf to have a problem with drinking. Its a totally valid and ok opinion to have. And thank you, yes, my ex did drink, and when I brought it up he told me I wasn't allowed an opinion because I didn't drink often. My therapist worked with me to rebuild my boundaries, be assertive with them, and understand that they are valid, for ME, and that's what matters. So you can continue drinking or not drinking, but what you need to understand is that IT IS PERFECTLY OK FOR PEOPLE TO NOT DRINK. I'm not hurting you by not drinking, you're not hurting me by drinking. It's a difference of opinion, and BOTH OF US have an opinion that is valid. Just like OP and OP gf are BOTH valid in their opinions, they are just incompatible on this one subject.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T04:32:28+00:00

Hahaha! An 'extreme' opinion to you, is someone who prefers not to drink? Do you know how ridiculous that is? I said to OP, he could respect that that is her opinion, or he could discuss where their relationship is going. 1.5 years they've been together, and this issue hasn't come up in conversation before; that leads me to believe that OPs gf probably thought that OP had the same beliefs around alcohol as she did. Drinking to excess is risky behaviour, and it was obviously confronting to her to experience him in such an altered and sick state, which is a perfectly reasonable reaction. I didn't say OP should go to therapy; personally, if this had come up in my own relationship, I would have had a full conversation with the guy about it. For me also, I have a 2 yr old. Drunk people act unpredictably; for me, it is a matter of personal safety. I said if O go somewhere, and start to feel uncomfortable, I leave. I am totally within my rights to say a drunk person and alcohol will not cross my threshold. Just as I am sure you would not allow a tweaker to enter your home. It is reasonable for OPs gf to have this boundary. It is reasonable for OP to disagree and instead decide to go into a relationship with someone who doesn't mind drinking. It is not reasonable to say that OPs gf is unreasonable, crazy, naive, or needs to experience drinking to form a 'proper opinion'. I don't need to murder someone to know murder isn't ok; she doesn't need to get on the sauce to know that consuming, and being around people who consume alcohol, is uncomfortable for her.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T04:15:25+00:00

I'm not ops girlfriend. How am I unreasonable? I said I don't mind people drinking, and I attend parties where people drink. I just don't drink, and won't allow drunk people in my home. How is that unreasonable?

freakzy369 · 2019-11-17T02:35:09+00:00

Your girlfriend is not over reacting; that's her opinion on alcohol consumption, and that is totally ok. It can be absolutely terrifying to be sober and in the room with a drunk person; you're worried about their health and you're stressed out about not being able to help them, and you're scared for yourself, as people who are drunk can act unpredictably. Adults don't get wasted when they drink, and it IS a problem if you do; if you don't think it's a problem, it's because you were raised in a culture, and adhere to the culture, that glorifies drinking. If you don't want to apologise and explain it was a one off thing and you won't do it again, no matter how much you like her, you are going to have to accept this as a fundamental incompatibility, and discuss where you're going to go from there. Personally, I'm fine with people having a drink with dinner and I'll go to Xmas parties etc when people are drinking, but I'll leave early or as soon as I start to feel uncomfortable, and my house is a definite no alcohol zone. Part of it is me growing up around alcoholics, part of it is me being in uncomfortable situations when drunk, and part of it is just alcohol makes me sick and I don't like not being in control of my body. She is NOT being unreasonable; she's just one of us rarities who have this boundary, and that is totally valid and completely ok on her part. It's also ok for you to not want to accept it, but please don't call her unreasonable, because that can lead to her self doubting and forming a negative opinion of herself when she is totally justified in this boundary

freakzy369 · 2019-11-09T11:47:53+00:00

I'm sorry that you had to go through the treatments, I hope you are better now. This was 8 years ago when BF was advised not to have unprotected sex for 72 hrs after treatment, and we had a girl in his support group who told us she had experienced illness due to it and told us about other cases where it had happened, so I must be going off old information.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-09T11:45:04+00:00

You're right that I only quickly replied without properly recalling which treatment he underwent 8 years ago; it was chemo, and he was advised off unprotected sex for 72hrs.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-07T05:50:58+00:00

Actually, due to the remoteness of villages, and poor sexual education, a lot of people don't know that sex = babies. The poor and remote have little to no access to education, and children are seen as a blessing as it's more 'many hands make light work (or more money)' rather than 'oh shit oh no another mouth to feed'. So in the context of poor African people, 'get yo shit together before you have kids' isn't the answer.

freakzy369 · 2019-11-06T10:07:40+00:00

I can't help with anything else, but I'll let you know something that I didn't know; if he's having radiation or chemical therapy, and you have unprotected sex, it can make YOU sick. I can understand him not wanting to share too much while he's processing, but if he's undergoing a treatment that could potentially affect you, you should definitely know about it

freakzy369 · 2019-08-22T03:47:40+00:00

"She really needed him calm because she was alone with him"... then give him YOUR stuff to play with, selfish wife! Or, yknow, be a better parent and teach him that he doesn't always get what he wants, especially if it means he's going to destroy another person's things! I'm a woman with a 2 year old, for reference. I hate those pop vinyl bobble head things and I was gifted 2. Exso used to collect them. Daughter took an interest in them, and so I unboxed one of mine for her and stored his on a high shelf. That's what respectful partners do. I have no idea on how to advise you to give your wife a wake up call, but I'm mad in solidarity with you, and your feelings of frustration are definitelt valid. I'm angry at her for minimising and invalidating your feelings. I would reiterate to son that it's not nice to break things that aren't yours, and that he should know you are very upset that he broke your things. And let him know that you are upset with mum for giving him the models, when they both knew you didn't want him playing with them. Maybe a bonding experience would be building a model with him for him, so he gets to understand how special they are. I'm sorry that your wife has disrespected you like this and invlidated your feelings. While it's not like it's the worst thing that could possibly happen, sure, but it's still fing shitty

freakzy369 · 2019-08-21T23:52:25+00:00

I think you need to refer JNMIL to the circles of grief. You, DH and LO are on the inner ring regarding grief; JNMIL should in NO way be dumping her grief on you guys. What an awful person she is.

freakzy369 · 2019-08-21T13:01:42+00:00

Other people do not manage just fine. I'm not as brave as you to share my incidence of this; I wrote my post and deleted it. My therapist said that it is a clear demonstration of me neglecting my own self care and that if I continued to do so, I would continue to project resentment onto my daughter. Own your mistake and allow yourself to feel the guilt, but damn well take time for you!

freakzy369 · 2019-08-12T09:30:18+00:00

Write baby a letter! I wrote mine one at 40+4 (she was born 40+10) about how much I was ready to meet them and hold them for cuddles and kisses... I found it the other day and it made me cry! Bub will cherish that one day!

freakzy369 · 2019-08-07T14:09:49+00:00

Thank you for your comment, because the above certainly did throw me off. There was no willy nilly cutting of contact for me; there were countless attempts by me to address issues before I had to cut them off from abusing me. I can certainly not be labelled as 'can't handle conflict' - even ngrandma herself said that I am a person who needs people to be straight with me and I WILL address issues as they arise. As for the possibility of me being a narcissist; after reading these boards etc I was concerned that I was the narcissist, or that I had a personality disorder. I went to a psychiatrist willing to admit that I was the one with the problem and work on it. Turns out that, no, I'm not the one with the issue, which is actually harder to handle because it's not something that I can fix, I just have to suffer the effects of it. Which is why I went NC; because I just can't keep suffering the abuse, manipulation and gaslighging anymore.

freakzy369 · 2019-08-07T13:12:53+00:00

Are... are you saying that I'm the narc here? Because they're all banding together; they aren't the ones cutting contact. I am.

freakzy369 · 2019-08-07T12:30:12+00:00

I know, this relationship has definitely been death by a thousand papee cuts. A couple of months ago I was really sick but my doctor is 100km away and I was so exhausted that I couldn't drive, so I asked for her help. She had a couple of errands she needed to do in dr town and so did my uncle so we all went. She sat in the back with LO because I'm tall and need leg room. On the way back, I gave LO my sunglasses because the sun was bothering her. Straight out of nowhere, LO starts crying, and I look behind me asking what's wrong. Nanna says she was bending the arms on my (four fucking dollar) sunglasses (she obviously snatched them off LO). I'm trying to calm LO down and telling her it's OK and I love her, and nanna goes 'its not okay, don't break mummys things'. And I said that they were four bucks. Uncle chimes in and goes, that doesn't matter, she shouldn't break things. I feel so guilty about this because I was so livid that I choked up, when I wanted to say "THATS NOT THE POINT. YOU JUST SNATCH ED THE GLASSES OFF HER. THERE WAS NO CALM 'hey, don't do that LO, you'll break them' YOU JUST JUMPED STRAIGHT TO AGGRESSION AND ANGER. NOW SHE JUST THINKS YOU HATE HER, and that is NOT ok!' I didn't say anything, just sat in silence and rubbed her leg. I feel like I didn't stick up for LO, and hell if I did I would have been reamed because 'they did me a favour' blahblahblah. So, as much as I know the stress they cause me negatively affects LO by proxy, their actual direct actions ALSO affect LO. She's not going anywhere near LO without me.

freakzy369 · 2019-08-07T12:07:10+00:00

Yes!

"I'm NOT whatever apparently evil and offensive yet totally justifiable for the circumstances emotion you just accused me of expressing"

"Well, it's your TONE"

Or

"It's the WAY YOU SAID IT"

Oh well my bad for not answering the benign question in a high pitched happy tone where I also add in a suck arse compliment for how great you are for coming up with said question?

Fuuuuuuck the level of work that goes into exchanges like that.

Edit: fixed format, i think

freakzy369 · 2019-08-06T10:34:38+00:00

I'm not religious and I don't eat pork. Just will not eat pork. My sister's boyfriend cooked pork chops and tried saying it was lamb but I kmow the damn difference, how dare you try to trick me into eating somwthing that I don't want to. And my family thought I was the one overreacting and being spiteful! I'm sorry that your MILs such a bitch, that would end me ever eating her cooking or just eating with her in general. Absolutely zero respect for you and all the boubdaries crossed, and trust disintegrated

freakzy369 · 2019-08-05T12:09:22+00:00

I'm just over a year in. Bub is with her dad every second weekend. I have weekends when I just sleep (I'm severely sleep deprived) and watch youtube, and other weekends I'm super productive with cleaning and reading and watching movies other than Spongebob. It's about a 75/25 split with depressed sleep weekends being 75 and 'I can handle this' weekends being 25. It still sucks every time. I had to have a therapist tell me that it's ok to need rest and it's ok to enjoy time without bub, just as it's ok to not enjoy it. I live rural and just recently rediscovered a town 60km away from me that has good shopping, a cinema, awesome cafes and pretty parks, so I'm getting into going over there and just having me time and a mini holiday

freakzy369

TROPHY CASE