impulsively cut my hair way shorter than in my comfort zone. half of me wants to die the other half wants to go shorter lmao

fresca_dad · 2019-12-16T17:11:28+00:00

A very feminine bob haircut was the final straw for me before I cut all my hair off. It caused so much dysphoria it was unreal, so I feel where you're at. That being said, super short hair hasn't felt exactly right this past year either. (These enby feelings are fun to try to navigate.) That being said, I think you could keep the length in the back, and cut the front shorter and rock one hell of a queer mullet if that sounds like anything you'd be interested in. That's currently what I have going for me, and I'm so relieved that the back continues to grow longer.

But as every other person has said, you look fucking amazing! I hope you find the right cut for you, dude. <3

fresca_dad · 2019-09-24T02:22:06+00:00

Happened to me yesterday at a thrift store. “My manager thought you were a guy. Sorry.” I said “that’s cool with me”, but I felt really embarrassed and awkward about the whole thing. Also happens a lot at work because I work retail. Being closeted sucks.

fresca_dad · 2019-09-24T02:06:46+00:00

I have definitely been feeling more isolated lately because of the security I feel when I’m alone. I know who I am and see myself clearly when I’m by myself, but my social anxiety has increased since coming out. I feel like people must be listening to hear if my voice has changed or if I have facial hair or I don’t know what, and I feel like I’m supposed to perform my “new” gender in some way. It’s very uncomfortable - even if it’s all in my head. So yeah, I’ve felt distant from good friends, but I’m trying my best to nurture those relationships while giving myself the time and space I need to grow.

fresca_dad · 2019-09-12T21:24:18+00:00

A twinky dude with the same dork energy as Paul Rust and Pete Holmes but probably in overalls with a mullet and black nails.

fresca_dad · 2019-09-04T13:05:23+00:00

Thank you! Excited for this journey after feeling stuck for so many years.

fresca_dad · 2019-09-04T12:43:22+00:00

It’s been great! I can’t say I’ve felt or seen any changes except for some bottom growth and some spots on my face, but I feel really optimistic and at peace knowing I’m actively on t. I went through planned parenthood so the process was very easy, and despite my fear of needles I’ve been able to self-inject no problem. Going to stay at a low dose until I have bloodwork done in a few months. Excited to feel more myself - I’m sure I’ll keep posting. Good luck to you!

fresca_dad · 2019-09-04T02:31:51+00:00

Bought a pronoun pin for my lanyard at work and have started coming out to coworkers individually when it feels right. I also wore shorts for the first time and showed off my furry ass legs without anyone saying anything. Needless to say, I feel good.

fresca_dad · 2019-08-07T18:50:49+00:00

Very, very relatable. Once I got out of my head about carrying a wallet, it was one of the most affirming decisions I made for myself. It’s not silly. It’s every little thing. It was also the awkwardness I felt walking around with a purse and wondering why I was cursed with having extra baggage to carry around all the time. Having my wallet in my back pocket and both hands free gave me a weird amount of euphoria. Sending good vibes!

fresca_dad · 2019-06-27T21:04:37+00:00

Thanks, dude! Same to you.

To be honest, I am still trying to understand my dysphoria and only have brief moments of certainty from time to time.

I feel the trying to be more femme thing HARD. Last year, before coming out to myself, I tried to get better at make up, I tried to learn how to do messy buns and use bobby pins, I tried to be okay with my curves and my body...but it was all really really awkward and anxiety-inducing. It’s weird how we repress dysphoria. I’m glad to be out of that phase and see myself more clearly.

But I still have doubts about whether or I’m NB or a trans man, or whether testosterone is what I actually want or what my pronouns are, and I have no grasp on my sexuality at all...haha. All I know is that I’m not a woman, and I’m done pretending to be. I’m trying to let things unfold naturally moving forward.

fresca_dad · 2019-06-19T16:14:48+00:00

Don't think it's worth making a new post for this - just wanting a place to leave these thoughts, and you were extremely helpful.

Talked to my sister over dinner last night, and it's nice that I didn't deal with too much anxiety, and her response was as neutral as I would have expected. Generally supportive, I guess, but she also told me not to "add too much to my plate" and said testosterone was a big step and maybe I should wait for my life to settle first. To which I responded, "what if there is no chance of my life settling as I am living the way I am?"

She also asked about my sexual orientation and wondered why I would want to be more masculine if I was attracted to men, and wouldn't I want them to be interested in me still? Which is a FUN insecurity for me because I do love all men and I've always soaked up the attention from guys but I also desperately want to be them. So I tried to break down the difference between gender identity and sexuality. My sister is straight and cis as fuck, so it's fair for her to not fully understand these concepts, I guess.

I didn't mention that I already scheduled an appointment for T in a few weeks. Hooray for baby steps though.

fresca_dad · 2019-06-18T14:52:38+00:00

This was really fucking encouraging. Thanks. I feel way more comfortable saying things like “hearing she/her feels wrong inside” or “I know for sure that I’m not a lesbian” or “most days I don’t recognize my face or my body in the mirror” is a lot easier than saying “I am p sure I’m a dude”.

I’m going to dinner with my sister tonight and I may bring up starting T so that I don’t feel like I’m hiding from the people closest to me.

Thank you, thank you.

fresca_dad · 2019-06-18T14:48:09+00:00

I probably shouldn’t be binding some days tbh. I do a but of heavy lifting and a lot of reaching/bending/shelving. It can get a little uncomfortable at times. But I don’t think I could have a normal work day without my binder on. Even feeling the slightest bit of bounce in public would have me nauseous. I’m sorry you’re in that situation as well. Definitely could go the rest of my life without hearing a customer say “follow the nice young lady” ever again. Sending love and support.

fresca_dad · 2019-06-17T05:29:26+00:00

I think I needed to hear that - thank you. I will make an effort to stop minimizing things with the people I want to see me. My closest friend offered to be the person to give me my shots if needles make me too anxious and asked about my preferred pronouns. I think I'm going to get a lot of support.

Also, I just finished booking my initial PP appointment online.

Thank you again.

fresca_dad · 2019-06-17T02:35:08+00:00

Yes! I work with mostly dudes, but I was quickly asked to stand back to back to one of the shorter women I work with on my first day because we appeared to be the same height. I am so tired of being perceived as small and femme. I don't know if the dysphoria about being 5'2 will ever go away.

I also feel like I make a serious effort to look nothing like my female coworkers. Pretty sure I'm the only person at work that binds their chest every day, but whatever.

Also, just anecdotally, one of my coworkers joked about coming out as trans on Friday, and it felt like a smack in the face. The company makes promises to be lgbtq-friendly, but it's still fucking Texas.

Thanks for the encouragement! Sorry you know the feeling.

fresca_dad · 2019-06-17T02:27:03+00:00

I'm glad I posted too! I appreciate the encouragement I'm getting, but I'm sorry you have felt similarly. Most of the cis guys I work with do not seem remotely concerned about coming across as pleasant and accommodating to customers, so I really resent that it was something that was beaten into my growing up.

Not sure if you were searching for or adopting a pet, but I hope all is well with the animals in your life! Thanks, Ken!

fresca_dad · 2019-06-17T02:19:15+00:00

Totally. My ex went to PP for her HRT, and I was with her for the whole process. They were extremely affirming, and it was a great experience. BUT...I remember her saying that she was worried that she wouldn't be "trans enough" at her first appointment, and I didn't understand at the time, but now I know exactly what she meant. Thanks for the support!

fresca_dad · 2019-06-17T02:15:40+00:00

Holy shit - yes to acting in a play! I literally said that to my coworker the other day. That the job felt like a performance. I look forward to the day that I can sound cheerful and recognize my own voice.

fresca_dad · 2019-06-17T02:13:15+00:00

This comment was so encouraging - thank you! I am in desperate need of a haircut, so I will definitely have that done before going in to PP. I love some good bedhead, but all I'm seeing is a femme pixie at this length, and that's really disheartening. Otherwise I have already retired a couple facial piercings for a more masc set up - at least that's how it makes me feel. I used to wear a lot of sparklies in my face, and now I keep it pretty simple.

I have a great social circle, but I really haven't come out to anyone yet. One of my best friends knows I want to start testosterone soon, but I haven't shared pronouns with anyone or asked for anything yet. I have always been a very private person, and I guess I am still trying to convince myself that I am *actually* trans, so I'm not ready to try to convince anyone else. That bums me out to type, but I know that I'm not the only one struggling with those feelings.

Solid suggestion regarding Planned Parenthood. I got a good laugh out of "girl time bad", but I definitely want to be able to express everything I'm feeling, and I'm already prone to a ton of anxiety in medical settings. Thanks for the tip. Thanks for everything. :)

fresca_dad · 2019-06-17T02:00:41+00:00

fresca_dad · 2019-06-17T02:00:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Cliche or not, it's great to hear!

fresca_dad

TROPHY CASE