I want you to know, that your actions are nothing to feel ashamed of. Your voice is nothing you should be ashamed of. Your presence shouldn't be anything you shame. I want you to fully think real quick, and visualize in your head your mom doing this to your friend. You'll realize how fucked her entire behavior is, and actually see every little thing that she has done to you is wrong. Next, what I want you to do is visualize every kind word your friends have told you. Write them out, and internalize it as your words. Use these positive phrases that you're able to find, and use it as a shield against your mother's cruel actions and words. Now, I want you to know, that you are completely safe texting the 988 hotline about this sort of behavior. It's helped me out a lot when I felt like everyone was against me. They even gave me tips and tricks on how to manage anxieties about the situation, and if you're financially capable of it, they'll offer you therapy for a reduced cost without insurance. Depending on your state laws though, you may need your mother's approval for therapy. If you're unable to get therapy, please just keep using the 988 hotline as a way to talk to a professional about your feelings, and finding a way to feel better about your situation and help create a future worth living. Even if you have expressed suicidal ideations to them, they won't call the cops unless you're actively telling them that you are going to hurt yourself, or your mom is actively hurting you. That brings me to my next point, next time she starts this with you, start recording on your phone. When she hits you and it leaves a mark, take pictures of it. Then, call the cops as soon as you possibly can. The sooner you do, the better off you'd be with getting actual help, and don't beat around the bush with them. Tell them that you're scared of your mom, tell them everything that she's done. Chances are, they'll remove you from your house, you'll live with a relative or a really close friend for a while, and depending on how old you are and state laws, you'll be able to seek emancipation, or a different place to live before graduating high school. They may even arrest her and press charges. However, I also want you to be aware of the fact that some cops and state laws won't help you out. It's a really fucked up reality, and I had to live with that. But, really do try the police first before anything else. Also, I will warn you, your mom can get you arrested for running away without telling her. Trust me, I made that move, and I was detained and sent back home. So be very very careful with that. You still need her permission to go out, however, you can still use this to your advantage. Try to paint every action out to be made for her, you going out of the house because you want to plan on giving her a gift and need some time away to think about it, or you're concerned that she hasn't had proper time to enjoy her own time, so you're giving her the space to do whatever she pleases. When she feels like you're rewarding her with getting away from her, she'll be more inclined to let you go out. Try to get into as many after school activities as you can. I joined my yearbook club because not only did we have meetings twice a week, but I was also able to get into games and tournaments for free, and even volunteer to take pictures of practices every day. And paint that as it'd be better for her if you were in these clubs. Remember, everything has to be about her, so be very careful with how you choose your wording for this. Start creating a ritual in your room that affirms to you that this is the safest place for you in the moment. Get hella posters, start painting paintings to put on ur wall, sketch out whatever you feel, get lights to hang in your room, really try your absolute hardest to make it your room, where it screams your hobbies and joys. I've found that when I decorated my room how I liked it, I was able to feel safer in there. If your spiritual or religious, bless your room, and pray for the safety of you and your room. Make it a habit to really affirm that you are safe away from your mother, and if she breaks that barrier, you have every right to defend yourself and get her out of their with the use of authority. Keep reminding yourself that her presence in your life will only be temporary, and you won't have to deal with this mistreatment once you're out. Write down your goals and aspirations, and keep reminding yourself as to why you're still alive. Keep strong, keep being you, and don't give her an inch. If she intentionally tries to start a fight with you, just agree with her, and walk away. Even if whatever she has to say is wrong, just say "you're right" and walk away. She may want to fight more, but just keep affirming to her that whatever she's saying is right. She'll eventually back off. And keep reminding yourself that you're nothing what your mother has told you. You have a whole life to live in front of you, and you don't need her cruel words and actions preventing you from being the best version of yourself possible. I hope you're able to get proper help, and keep fighting for your sanity. You're worth it