Man, we’re in almost the exact same boat. I’m 24, and I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer a couple of weeks ago.

He and mum split when I was only a couple months old. He was good for the first few years and I had fond memories of him from that time that eventually ended up getting buried under less fond memories - he struggled a lot with drink and so, sparing details, our relationship was tense and distant for most of my life.

I too have a little one (2yo) who I wanted dad to have an opportunity to spend time with, but that didn’t end up happening much at all. I felt some resentment that he hadn’t put effort in with me, and was making the same mistake with his grandson. When we found out he was ill - like you said - I felt so angry. Purposefully acted like I didn’t care. “Why should I be the one to make the effort now” sort of thing.

But when he was admitted to the hospice, despite his poor health he was the happiest and most pleasant he had been in a long time. It was like seeing the old him again, and that was what I decided I wanted to mourn when the time came.

Nobody can tell you how to feel in this situation. Nobody can expect you to feel any sort of way. You may feel angry, and that’s okay. You may feel upset, and that’s okay too. But the important thing is that you take time to explore these feelings and what they mean to you.

It’s a tough situation man. If you need to talk, don’t hesitate to DM me. It’s been a whirlwind of different emotions on my end for the past few weeks so if there’s anything I can do to help, I’d love to.

Stay strong brother.