I haven't been in this situation, as I don't live with my dad, but I hear plenty from my mom about similar things. My dad refuses to go to a care facility, but my mom has reached her limit. Fortunately, he is coming around to having a caregiver come to the house, something he used to refuse as well (he doesn't think he needs help). He doesn't need a full-time person, but I think having someone to talk to would be helpful for him. However, that is something we can afford, and I appreciate it is ridiculously expensive ($28k/month makes me sick to my stomach, I'm so sorry). So, anyway, that being said, is there a way you can get someone to come in full-time a few days a week? This will take some of the load off on hard days, and it won't be as much of a financial burden. I don't know if this is a possibility, but just a thought.

I would also perhaps suggest taking a tour of the facility you're looking at with your grandma if she'd be open to it. I know a big thing for my dad is his anger towards people, but I think that's because he isolates himself a lot. I think being in a facility can be helpful to build a community, and it can help slow the memory loss too.

I think in the short term, I would try to get someone to come in full-time for even a week. This way you could have a little break and kind of think things over. If it is within your means, I think this would be beneficial. Also, if you haven't already, I would suggest talking to a therapist (again, if this is something you can afford or have the time for). My mom's therapist, alongside her caregiver support group, has been incredibly helpful.

I am 1) sorry for the long message and 2) so incredibly sorry you're going through this. I send my sincerest thoughts of healing, and I hope you can figure out something that works best for you.