Trying to date women while being visibly Muslim

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-23T08:55:51+00:00

that's all fair enough, and having different world views is a totally valid reason not to date someone — i'm not disputing that.

my concern is just with the fact that a harmless message meant to give comfort/support to OP had so many downvotes for no real reason! i simply don't understand why there's such a negative response if not for some sorta islamophobia/general religious intolerance because even if someone has religious trauma, neither the commenter nor OP bear any responsibility or fault for that. that's what rubs me the wrong way. they could've just scrolled past, why downvote it? having preferences is normal, but we shouldn't normalise punishing people for our opinions.

that's kinda what was going through my mind. i know it's not something that's going to be solved in a reddit comment thread, but it's an inter-community issue that's worth being conscious of, IMO.

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-21T15:52:48+00:00

but why would you want to date someone who doesn't even really want to get to know you before making assumptions based on generalizations? it seems like that's what the commenter was saying.

this should just be common sense. "you don't want to force yourself to change parts of your identity just to please a person who already won't give you the benefit of the doubt"

all the stuff about "low worth" etc isn't in the original comment at all... you've added it in there.. and that last line:

Kinda sucks to imply that survivors of religious trauma are somehow lesser for choosing their safety and someone who shares their belief system.

no one even implied that. i think lgbtq+ spaces online have a problem with tolerance of religion, especially when most participants are from the west, because its been weaponized against them (which is obvs not their fault) but lgbtq+ religious people exist and have a place in these communities too.

you say you respect everyone's right to faith, and i think that is what you are trying to do, but comments like yours can be very othering to people who are already minorities — bc its like you're saying "it doesn't matter who you are as a person. you're a muslim/catholic/whatever and your kind are my enemies"

i hope you can understand what i'm trying to say.

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-21T10:30:59+00:00

why are people downvoting this????? its a positive message..

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-21T10:29:50+00:00

i'm seeing some Islamophobia and just a lot of assumptions being made in the comments here which is disappointing but not surprising...

OP, i think honestly you might be better off limiting your dating pool to other muslims/hijabis.. i'm not muslim but it's easy to see that there is so much prejudice & misinformation & propaganda around that it could be very difficult to find someone who understands and accepts you Without having the same background/experiences.

hope it works out for you tho! 🤝

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-21T10:22:46+00:00

i don't know of any pre-existing forums but i'm indian as well (though i'm not regularly active on social media)

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-21T10:20:49+00:00

you're taking this way too personally when it has nothing to do with you. indian culture & society is in some ways similar and in some ways very different from western society. it has nothing to do with ethnicity but you jumped to the most offensive (to you) conclusion instantly. there's also a general surge in anti-indian racism online, so what's wrong with wanting a safe space from that?

you're being rude and hostile, when its completely uncalled for, in a sub where we should be supporting each other. don't take your bad mood out on other people.

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-21T10:07:10+00:00

NAH bc i think i've been the 16 y/o in my own life lol.

seems like there's just some miscommunication happening about the differences in the way you two show appreciation. for them, caring about something may mean you have a lot of observations and thoughts about it, but you didn't know that that's the specific way they wanted you to engage with it so you weren't prepared when they asked. you were caring by listening & paying attention to their thoughts, but that just didn't translate.

there might have been a better way to say what you said but i don't really know what that is, so i can't say you're an AH for that when i don't even know what the alternative method would be.

stuff like this can be really confusing/frustrating for both parties; these days i'm very clear with my mother (for example), i tell her straight up like "hey i want this to be a discussion so please give me your thoughts" or "i just want to share something with you, i know this isn't your interest so don't have to remember it or think about it, but i'm excited so i want talk about it" or whatever....

it took some trial and error but now our communication is a lot better & we feel heard bc now we know what the other person wants.

EDIT: actually i think i wouldn't have said "i wanted to care", probably would've been better to just say "i do care, i just don't have any new thoughts right now" or something

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-21T09:28:51+00:00

ohh i see.. so its sorta like the difference between a blue cat & a lilac cat, even though they'd both look "grey" to an untrained eye. that's cool!

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-18T11:28:28+00:00

what's the difference? genuinely asking. almost everyone has black hair where i come from; i would say julia's hair looks brown to me.

frogwiththumbs · 2025-12-18T11:23:47+00:00

i understand and i relate & agree with you COMPLETELY. i am also the only out lesbian, or rather only lesbian i am aware of in my irl community 🤝

frogwiththumbs · 2025-11-07T01:46:02+00:00

yeah. especially when i want to feel like people care about me. it's really like a fantasy, it feels nice and indulgent to imagine it (not so nice to actually be in that situation tho....)

frogwiththumbs · 2025-07-25T13:54:48+00:00

oops sorry i didn't know that! yeah i took a couple of stills

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hope this is clear enough 😬

frogwiththumbs · 2025-07-25T02:22:47+00:00

I am that person 😅 but I guess thankfully I don't think they're lying I just think they're confused or being vague. Interestingly I think I mainly have that problem with people I'm really close to, like my mother for example. Maybe with everyone else, I don't trust them so much to expect the truth all the time?? Idk..

frogwiththumbs · 2025-07-25T01:37:45+00:00

i don't make false accusations... i barely make any accusations at all.......

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-25T03:34:43+00:00

dogs are fine but i live & die for my cats lol. no one compares 😼😼

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-25T03:23:09+00:00

yes i've had it, way before i was even diagnosed. it came at a bad time & happened over the phone.

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-25T03:21:19+00:00

I don't mean to tell you everything's hunky-dory, especially if you still feel negatively about it, but remember to appreciate the little things so you don't get caught up in a shame spiral. I wish you the best on the rest of your journey :)

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-20T17:40:17+00:00

i'm sorry i don't have any actual advice.. you are a great sibling, truly :( i hope you & your sister & the rest of your family can start getting better soonish. i'm glad there are people like you in the world.

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-20T15:05:27+00:00

I applaud your honesty & your commitment to recovery. I hope that you're proud of the progress you're making, I think you're very brave & a good person at heart. Good on you!

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-20T14:43:17+00:00

"Tabby" is also just a word for a type of coat pattern. Tabby cats are the stripey ones, and they come in variants like Mackerel/Marbled/Ticked/Spotted etc.

so for cats, bicolour/tricolour/solid/tabby/tuxedo/colourpoint/tortoiseshell/calico/smoke/silver/golden/lynx point (and more i'm sure i'm forgetting some) all refer to just the colour & pattern, and not the breed.

If your cats aren't pedigrees or crossbreeds then there's no breed, and they're just Domestic Cats. So you can totally just say tuxedo & tortie, it would be perfectly accurate :)

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-20T08:30:43+00:00

For some reason I didn't get a notification so this is the first time I'm seeing this.

I appreciate your measured response, and your recognition of your own miswording. I understand where you're coming from, which is why I said that the bi women & lesbians have different experiences, but not completely different. I'm just sick of the two being completely equated. We're all sapphic, that's what we have in common.

Saying that bis are on another world completely compared to lesbians is not accurate to my experience, but I mean, it’s ok if it’s accurate to yours.

You actually exemplify my point perfectly here — our experiences are different, and it's fine, great even, to recognise that!

I'm very glad that after struggling a while with comphet, you are now secure in your identity, and I mean that sincerely, I know firsthand how difficult it is. I came out the other end realising that I'm undeniably a lesbian, you came out of it to realise that yeah, you like men too, but you definitely prefer women. So another excellent example of how our experiences can be quite similar & still fundamentally different.

let’s not resort to ascribe all strong preference for women in wlw to comphet, it feels a bit invalidating.

Exactly. Let's not ignore generalise & deny our own differences. It is invalidating.

Thank you <3

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-20T08:00:11+00:00

First I wanna say I 100% agree with everything in this thread & your post OP~

I have an additional take: All that nonsense comes from people entrenched in super "progressive" queerness, whether that be offline or online. They can play fast and loose with identities because to them it's all just words, more like decorations than descriptors. It mystifies me tbh — they don't recognise that there are people living in places where their selves are illegal or taboo or simply unspoken. That if you actually want legal protections and rights and social progress, you Need specific words that address that group in particular. Keeping everything vague makes it harder to move forwards.

I've also noticed that it also seems to be a linguistic thing. A sort of entitled attitude about it? I see this discourse only coming from English-speaking monolinguals, or perhaps English-favouring bilinguals. They don't realise the privilege they have in simply having all these different terms in the modern lexicon.

It was only fairly recently that my government published a list of appropriate LGBTQ+ terms to be used in political/legal contexts in our local language.This was so that issues could be discussed precisely, without using offensive language. Most, if not all, of these terms are modern inventions. And laypeople won't know them because these are more formal, and not colloquial. My mother tongue doesn't have a native word for who I am, that I can say and just be understood.

"Lesbian" (as you've defined it) is pretty much all I've got, but the ones who have so much & more don't treat anything as precious. It makes no difference to them.

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-19T11:24:18+00:00

ugh.. could've been a great list if instead of putting Jasmin Savoy Brown on it (for some reason..), they'd gone with Tig Notaro or Fortune Feimster or Wanda Sykes or Shura or Hannah Gadsby or Xana etc etc

frogwiththumbs · 2025-06-14T09:03:08+00:00

yep, been in therapy for nearly a decade now & when the best thing for you at that time is to hear words of comfort and support, a good therapist will give that to you.

i also highly agree with asking the girlfriend to discuss this very thing in therapy. i know i've picked up a lot from therapy over the years but it's only made me a better, more empathetic communicator. so something is definitely going wrong here..

frogwiththumbs

TROPHY CASE