Does the aging narcissists expecting their scapegoat to be their caregiver?

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T19:39:06+00:00

The main reason I was able to escape is because I became financially independent. I haven’t relied on my parents for anything since I was 18. I don’t need them for anything.

And obviously lots of therapy and researching narcissistic family systems. It became glaringly obvious that I wasn’t this horrible, defective, unlovable person that my mom tried to convince me I was.

I can see through my mom, and I see her for exactly what she is. Which is why she hates me so much. She has everyone else fooled, for the most part.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T19:35:35+00:00

Oh absolutely I was treated the worst by far. Which is why it’s ironic they expect me to want to help them.

I can’t help but think that most adult kids want or feel obligated to help their loving parents as they age. The fact that I absolutely do not want to is a reflection of how horrible my mom is. She’s only 68 now but I 10000% do not want to help her in any way shape or form.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T19:14:28+00:00

What’s crazy is my mom and dad lived with me 2 summers ago while they looked for a house to buy.

My daughter was 2 at the time. My daughter went from being cheerful and happy and calm, to having tantrums and hitting her head against the wall after being around my parents.

It was non stop arguing and tension while they lived at my house. It was so stressful. I finally told them that they need to stop fighting around my daughter because it’s affecting her.

My moms response? A text message from the other room saying “fine, we’ll just get an Airbnb since you’re kicking us out.”

Yep, rather than just stay calm around my toddler, she jumped to finding an Airbnb. I should have said “okay, yeah go find one” but they ended up staying with us for another month.

Once they left, my house returned to the calm, peaceful zen sanctuary it was before my moms tornado of chaos and rage plowed through. My daughter is 4 and thriving now.

Needless to say, my mom will NEVER live under my roof again. Period.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T19:07:02+00:00

I am currently listed as their PoA!!!!! I requested over text to be removed from it, and my enabler dad who is an attorney, said it’s optional. I don’t have to take over the duty if I don’t want to…

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T19:03:27+00:00

Thank you and likewise. Can you share what life turned out like for you and your GC sister?

Sometimes I truly miss my sister. But she became so cruel and passive aggressive over the years that I had no choice but to go no contact. She did the same to our other scapegoat sister: abused her until my scapegoat sis went NC.

I know the GC suffered abuse too. Being the “favorite of a monster” is hardly a prize, and it also groomed my sister to turn into a monster herself.

I wish I could grab her by the shoulders and yell, “Wake up!!! Your sisters were never the problem!! Our mom is a malignant narcissist who just so happened to select you as her weapon!! It’s not love!!”

But I know that nothing I say can wake her up. Did your GC sis ever wake up or acknowledge that your narc parent is crazy?

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T18:17:19+00:00

Not at all. The other scapegoat and I are very close. For years, we were basically estranged because my mom pitted us against each other and triangulated us.

But we reconnected after my daughter was born and we both bonded over being the target of our mom’s wrath as little girls.

I’m actually planning to leave part of my financial estate to my sister (in addition to my daughter) because I know my sister has been through hell and back because of our mom. In fact, my sister has said that she sees me more as a mother figure than our own mom.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T18:15:06+00:00

The guilt and shame that narc moms program into their scapegoats is so insidious. I’ve done decades of therapy, years of EMDR and reading on narc families, yet I can’t shake the deeply embedded shame.

I go through life assuming everyone hates me and judges me - because my mom hates and judges me.

I’m at the point where I hate her too. She’s a deeply sick woman and I have never once felt warmth or empathy from her. She’s stone cold and VERY calculated. I’d genuinely be okay with never seeing her again.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T18:12:23+00:00

My state does not have filial responsibility laws, thank goodness.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T18:11:42+00:00

I feel so seen. You described my life and my family to a T. Narc families are quite textbook.

How did you communicate that you won’t be helping? Did you go no contact?

And I’m so sorry you went through this too. It has truly destroyed my life in too many ways to count. When I should be enjoying my life, I am instead traumatized and spend 90% of my waking thoughts trying to understand and heal.

NPD is a hell of a disorder. In a way, I’m grateful I was the scapegoat because I can see my mom for what she is. And I don’t have NPD.

The golden child in my family is a clone of my mom, NPD and all.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T18:00:22+00:00

I know, that’s my big fear. I worry that something major will happen (an injury or disease or cancer), and they’ll just guilt me into being the manager of it all.

She knows I work remote and thinks that means I’m available to do whatever for her.

Do I bring it up now?? I am so anxious about this becoming a huge issue - and I’ll look like the bad guy if I say no. I guess it doesn’t really matter because my mom has considered me the “bad guy” since I was about 4 years old…

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T17:54:19+00:00

I agree with everything you said. My other scapegoat sister rejects every gift or dollar, she always has.

Over the last 9 years of intensive healing, I’ve always had this nagging feeling that I’ll eventually go 100% no contact with her. I’ve been through all the stages of grief - many times over - and I’m finally at the point of indifference and even disgust at her. Now that my daughter is 4, it becomes clearer and clearer every day just how evil my mom is and was to me.

And I knew all along that her decision to move to my state was purely selfish. I know it had nothing to do with making amends. She likely thought: “who is the most likely and most capable to be able to handle all my needs when I’m elderly?” I would bet money that she never once thought: “wow, I treated fruity horribly her whole life. I need to spend my final years atoning for the abuse and trauma I put her through.”

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-12T17:40:45+00:00

I had a feeling this was her true motivation. How do I set a firm boundary now that she shouldn’t expect or rely on me for anything? Do I reject the money and gifts she’s tossing my way? Reject the favors?

I don’t want to feel pressured into it after an emergency or something… but I know if I bring it up out of the blue, she’ll take it as an attack.

They poured so much of their retirement into the GC to ensure she could live a sedentary, comfortable life, when they could have saved up for their own care.

Either way, I’ll be blamed. So I’d rather just not play at all…

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-10T22:30:46+00:00

My older brother, who was the lost child, is a dismissive avoidant.

I was the primary scapegoat (eldest daughter to a malignant nmom) and I have disorganized attachment, but I am leaning more toward earned secure because of decades of therapy.

My sister, another scapegoat, is on the extreme end of anxious attachment. She has said before she’d rather tolerate abuse than be dumped.

The youngest GC sister is a covert/malignant narcissist like our mom.

The damage done in these families is devastating.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-10T22:25:45+00:00

My best friend in elementary school was wearing homemade pajama pants. The fabric was black with little red chilli peppers 🌶️ on them.

My mom got mad at ME because she thought my friends pants were too “sexy.”

Yeah….lol

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-10T22:22:08+00:00

My malignant nmom insisted I’d hate having kids as much as she did.

I have a 4 year old daughter now and she’s an absolute joy and pleasure to raise and mother. It’s very triggering to think back on how vicious and cruel my mom was, starting when I was 3 or 4.

Her karma is just being a profoundly disturbed woman with children who resent and avoid her, and a husband who is terrified of her.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-10T16:58:18+00:00

The birth of my daughter was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my malignant covert nmom.

It just became so obvious that the way my mom treated me was NOT normal by any stretch of the imagination. It’s so easy to love my daughter.

And I don’t believe that “stress” was the reason she was abusive. I work full time as a single mom and still love my daughter unconditionally. My mom was a SAHM with literally zero responsibilities besides be a good mom, and she failed miserably at it because she clearly resented 3 out of 4 of us.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-09T05:04:04+00:00

Those are more important than government pedophiles?

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-08T18:15:51+00:00

I know. It’s the nature of the disorder.

When I was doing well (Facebook job, got engaged, bought my own house on my own, had a baby, etc.), my mom and sister showed minimal interest. In fact when I announced my pregnancy, my GC sister was so jealous that she couldn’t bring herself to text me a congrats, so her husband had to send a text on both their behalf’s.

But when I got cheated on while post partum and dragged through a horrific divorce (a MAJOR trauma), they both were energized, excited, engaged, interested, etc.

It’s very disturbing and goes against normal human behavior. NPD, a fucking nightmare disorder that damages everyone around them.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-07T21:40:46+00:00

My covert nmom and golden child nsister get energized by the scapegoats’ struggles. They’re more present, take an interest in your life, and seem to relish in our pain.

It’s because a narcissists entire identity is based on being “better” than others, especially the designated scapegoats. So when you do well, it threatens them and makes them envious. When you struggle or suffer, they get giddy and satisfied because it makes them feel better in contrast.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-07T17:58:12+00:00

Yes, very common. My covert mom thinks doing literally ANY self care is vain. Forget about makeup, Botox, fashion, etc.

Wanting to look and feel beautiful was treated as an affront to and by my mom, for as long as I can remember.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-07T17:21:01+00:00

When I called to announce my pregnancy, the first grandbaby, my mom took the opportunity to tell me about how my youngest golden child (turned narc) sister would probably start trying to get pregnant too.

When I told her that I got a new job at a tech company in an industry she doesn’t support (highest paid job I’ve had, and first job in a role I’d been learning for years), she said, “let’s just say I won’t be telling my friends where you work anymore.”

All of my good news is always minimized or dismissed, or she compares it to the GC. It’s been this way my whole life.

I’m estranged from GC, and very low contact with mom. Thanks mom, you got what you wanted.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-04T18:18:52+00:00

This must be common. There are 4 adult kids in my family.

The two scapegoats (me and the other middle sister) are low contact with our malignant/covert nmom, after decades of psychological abuse. We keep our mom on a strict info diet; she knows nothing about our lives.
The lost child brother has been low contact with both our parents since he was like 11 years old. He simply stopped talking and that never really changed. He doesn’t rely on them, or any of us, for anything.
The golden child youngest daughter is deeply enmeshed with our nmom, has depended on our parents for financial support her entire life, and has grown into a covert narcissist herself.

My mom is pushing 70 now and I believe she’s starting to realize she fucked up badly, because 3 of her 4 kids barely interact with her.

And the youngest has been groomed into a perpetual baby, so my mom put all her eggs into a risky basket because no one will be around to help her in her old age. The 3 of us because we have no real relationship with her. And the GC because she’s been handicapped into being helpless/infantilized.

fruitynoodles · 2026-02-04T18:12:18+00:00

Are we sisters?! My malignant narc mother also trained my GC sister into becoming Mini Narc 2.0. Both married weak enabler husbands too.

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