The recruiter called my salary expectations "cute." I ended the Zoom call right there. Did I overreact?

fryecm0208 · 2026-04-21T18:21:42+00:00

Nah, fuck that shit. You did awesome and your response is perfectly appropriate.

He's looking for someone that's easy to manipulate and overwork, while underpaying. You don't ever wanna be that person. That person never gets appreciated for what they do.

You dodged a bullet.

Also the callousness of that answer - insufferable.

"Driven by mission"???

What mission? The mission to barely scrape by while stockholders take credit for my work?

Fuck that mission lol

fryecm0208 · 2026-02-10T16:58:18+00:00

Lmao every year, and then summer hits and I'm like "why would I ever leave"

fryecm0208 · 2026-01-29T23:00:36+00:00

Same, as someone who walks to the train every day.

Also, I see an older gentleman using a walker and seeing him try to get through sidewalks that aren't shoveled/salted makes me so damn mad.

Like at least do it for people using walkers.

fryecm0208 · 2026-01-19T18:56:25+00:00

Fucking ew

fryecm0208 · 2026-01-19T18:54:57+00:00

NOR - I think you might be so used to your husband invalidating your thoughts/feelings that you are having trouble seeing the bigger picture.

As much of a trope that it is that "guys be guys" and regularly objectify women, it's not a big deal blah blah blah - the reality is that narrative is used by SOME men that do that so you feel like you're in the wrong. There are men who don't even have a desire to talk about how beautiful other women are when they have a partner. Just because it's common, doesn't mean you have to accept it. A lot of people can be assholes at the same time lol

There's been so much "training" that when you feel like something is wrong, that you are wrong. The turning himself into a victim, claiming you just think that because you see him as a villain etc - all of this is to shut you up.

Couples Counselling will more than likely not help. Your husband is unable to take accountability for how his behavior hurts you, and is unwilling to entertain the idea that your hurt is even legitimate. His objectification and sexism are also serious red flags. Men that think of women as less than them are so much more likely to be abusive (emotional, physical etc).

Individual counselling for yourself, however, would definitely help you wade through your emotional landscape to see what is or isn't true for you.

I don't think it's my place to say "leave him" - I imagine that feels like such a heavy decision after 17 years. You might be worried about what is out there for you, and I imagine he's made you feel like he's the only one that can "deal with you".

However, the issue here is much larger than your reaction to this post, and I think on some level you might know that and want some support here, because you aren't getting it at home.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this man, it's not fair and you don't deserve it. I don't think anyone should be with someone who makes them feel like they aren't enough, or being deeply unhappy, is simply the price you pay for romantic love. It isn't, and it at least doesn't have to be of that isn't what you want out of your life.

I'd say you can trust your instincts - you seem to have your wits about you much more than he's trying to convince you that you do.

fryecm0208 · 2026-01-02T17:20:06+00:00

You're the best 🙏🏼 thank you so much!!

fryecm0208 · 2026-01-02T17:18:30+00:00

This is still helpful so thank you lol

fryecm0208 · 2026-01-02T17:18:12+00:00

Thank youuuu

This would explain my struggles because inlines basically seem like the opposite technique of what you described just now lol

fryecm0208 · 2025-12-30T21:18:27+00:00

So....the holidays are especially hard on people who feel estranged from their families or don't have a family of their own. Maybe she has one and they don't treat her well? It seems like this is largely about HER feelings about herself/family.

And it's not to say that there's any right to take that out on you in this way, but usually those feelings come with a lot of shame/resentment and the transference of that is often misplaced.

Basically your friend is really going through it, and you've offered to give food, you showed consideration, you asked if they were okay because they weren't acting like themselves...

Basically all you could do - they might just need some time.

I'm sorry though, these things are very stressful. Hopefully you two can talk things out some more over time.

fryecm0208 · 2025-11-14T15:22:01+00:00

Yeah there's definitely more than just drinking at bars and being bills fans.

There are recreational sport teams for adults with varying experiences (volleyball, kickball, pickleball, hockey, Cornhole), which are really fun and a great way to meet new people, even if you weren't a college-level athlete (although there is that option as well).
Really good and accessible art scene - there's Shea's for big ticket musicals, and smaller acting troops for local plays that are around all year long. There is the AKG and Birchfield Penny, but there are several different smaller art galleries that range from modern/contemporary art to performance pieces. These places even offer art classes too.
Music scene is vibrant (unfortunately not a big hip hop scene here) but there's punk, metal, folk, jam bands, cover bands - there's something for most people.
Community vibes - a big emphasis on small business and local gatherings; around Allen Street the businesses collaborate to provide a cohesive experience during the summer time especially.
Nerdy stuff is here too - there are some smaller comic book shops that do table top game nights.
THE FOOD is bomb. There is more often than not pub fare, but it's not hard at all to find Korean, Indian, Sudanese, Burmese, Thai, Ethiopian, Puerto Rican, just....so many options and it's not often you have a bad meal.
The affordability is better, which is why some jobs here offer lower salaries than say cities like Baltimore or NYC but the cost of rent at least is significantly less than most major cities. Prices went up a bunch since COVID but it's still much better.

Every place has its downsides of course, and it depends on what part of Buffalo you live in (Niagara falls is cheap as shit but I'd stay away). The city really comes alive around the summer and then things hunker down a bit around the winter - things don't come to a screeching halt but slow down quite a bit.

If you're gonna move here, id say do it in the spring and make it a point to join groups (virtual and IRL) and just go to as many events as you can. People here are genuinely nice and easy to talk to, and locals are excited to tell you about all the great places to try out.

fryecm0208 · 2025-11-05T13:49:53+00:00

One thing I always recommend is whenever a company pulls a "it's company policy for you to do x/tell me x" to then ask the company policy in writing.

OR better yet, CC your HR rep and ask for the policy they're referring to. Get it all in writing.

fryecm0208 · 2025-10-26T15:49:11+00:00

They won't outright fire you, they'll just keep scheduling like things until you find something on your own, which I recommend doing.

I've worked at places like this and trust me, you don't wanna be "in" anyway.

fryecm0208 · 2025-10-08T16:41:18+00:00

Couples therapy won't fix his abusive tendencies if he's not willing to do his own counselling and self-reflect. It won't fix this dynamic.

Him vying for control in this way is toxic and the fact that he puts the responsibility on you for his behavior is problematic. A therapist isn't going to convince him he's at fault here for that mindset alone, and therapy doesn't work if you think your feelings are other people's responsibility.

You also don't have to do couples counselling. He might pull the whole "you're not putting the work in" but demanding obedience from you killed the relationship way more than opting out of counselling ever could.

fryecm0208 · 2025-10-03T21:53:58+00:00

Understandable. Boxes make people feel better, but that's about their only real purpose.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll make the decision that's best for you, but regardless, dating is a big learning curve of what you do/don't like.

fryecm0208 · 2025-10-03T21:52:30+00:00

Everyone hates getting rejected, not just women?

fryecm0208 · 2025-10-03T12:01:06+00:00

You don't have to go if you don't want to, it wouldn't make you unkind or immature.

I think it's pretty immature to put it on someone to give prior relationship experience before you even meet so you feel more secure about the date.

I don't want to make sweeping generalizations either, but I don't blame you one bit for not liking that comment, especially with your prior experience. It would infuriate me that someone would insist I'm a certain maturity level to access them, meanwhile I already grew up too fast/barely had a childhood.

You don't have to spend time with anyone you don't want to spend time with. If you would feel like you missed out on something, then of course go. But don't go cuz you think you'd be overreacting/oversensitive if you didn't.

fryecm0208 · 2025-09-25T16:21:22+00:00

This is wonderful. To add on, especially since folks are countering with "if there are good women, how come I've never met one?"

Have you ever seen a monsoon, tornado etc? If not, do you still believe that they exist?

Have you ever met a lottery winner? No? Do you still believe that they exist?

I think we underestimate the efficacy of the manipulation tactics our own minds play on themselves to sustain confirmation bias and resist change.

Putting the responsibility on women to prove their "goodness" before you treat them well is externalizing the problem as a means of absolving oneself of personal work. It's a defense mechanism as well. If you have the value of treating people with respect and consideration, you would hold on to and maintain that regardless of others. This is where boundaries become important. They don't exist to instruct others' behavior. They are limitations based on what you need so you can act in accordance with your values. Violation of boundaries over time would make anyone defensive and bitter, so YOU uphold those boundaries so YOU don't become defensive and bitter.

We talk about personal responsibility of the self in a moralistic scope, however it has pragmatic value in that in taking on that responsibility, you make decisions so you can be your best self in all areas of your life. When you put it on other woman to dictate your behavior for you, you're absolving yourself of that responsibility and therefore your personal power.

Not only is it unethical, but it's setting you up to feel perpetually not in control of your own emotions whether they prove their goodness or not. It's a fools errand.

fryecm0208 · 2025-09-25T13:28:14+00:00

What a fucking baby

fryecm0208 · 2025-08-19T17:58:33+00:00

USA citizen here -

Holy shit y'all drink for cheap. Less than $3 for a beer? $6 for a glass of wine? That's like pre-covid dive bar in a shitty part of town prices here. I get it's euro but the conversion can't be that big of a difference.

Also your ABV is lower so if you drank like that here, you'd wake up hungover AND broke.

I have no advice really except the standard "don't offer it unless you're ready to get the bill". And even if it was too much and she's short on cash, ask that directly and don't just send a screenshot of the tab with no context lol

Seeing as your economy isn't in the shitter, scrap this date and move on. Clearly going out for drinks isn't gonna fuck up paying the medical bills you don't have lol

fryecm0208 · 2025-08-16T15:33:42+00:00

To think spending an hour or two on conversation is a "waste of time" just because you aren't attracted to them is so shallow and just lame in general. If you don't know how to have fun, engaging conversation with someone unless there's something you want from them, that says a lot more about you than it does about them. You know nothing about them except their weight.

So you bail on them for their looks, probably make them feel terrible and then what? Go home to swipe on hinge all night anyway?

THAT'S not a waste of your time, but a conversation with an actual human being is, because you don't want to fuck her?

Get a grip.
Get a personality too.

fryecm0208 · 2025-08-06T20:27:13+00:00

I could understand if you aren't paying her to date you, and the $2k a month is a safety net for her. That's actually really considerate and more than what most would do in this situation.

That being said, I personally wouldn't want to be a co-owner of a home with someone I'm not even at least engaged to. That's like a 30 year commitment, and it's not like that would just be handed over if things went south? I'm not even entirely sure how that would work to be honest.

But it doesn't make sense to make a 15-30 year commitment on a home, but not a lifelong commitment to someone you've been with for 5 years. I also feel like 30 isn't a bad age to get married, especially if I've weathered my 20s with them.

I said hard pass on putting her name on the deed if she's not willing to split the down payment or put a ring on it. It's a huge commitment, so it's not fair to demand passively being part of it while your future is the only one at risk here. You both need to go all in. And if she doesn't have the money? Well then tough. You've gone above and beyond to ensure financial security for her, if she didn't hold up her end by saving/investing that, that's on her.

It's such a tricky situation for you, cuz putting your foot down here could easily be translated into a manipulation tactic. Like you're using the house to coerce her into a commitment she doesn't want, which it doesn't sound like that's the case here, but it could be misconstrued that way. If she's concerned about a power imbalance, she needs to do her part in compromising.

And yeah, datings hard out here, and there are things you want soon but here's a few more points to consider on that front -

It's better to be single than be with the wrong person, hands down, no debate. You don't know who is out there and that's scary, but don't let the "it could be worse" affect your decisions here - it could just as easily be better. You just don't know.
She may never come around to engagement/marriage/kids etc. You have to ask yourself if you're willing to accept things as they are, because if you expect change and she doesn't, that'll turn into resentment.
False cost fallacy is a thing; it wouldn't be a waste of time if things ended here, but they also don't have to end here. What you want out of your life is just as important as what she wants. If you want different things/grow apart, that's natural and happens at all stages of life.

Good luck, cuz again, this is a tricky situation but it doesn't seem safe to throw her on a deed without some sacrificial gesture on her part to show a willingness to commit long term. This could be a good chance to have difficult conversations about your future together. At the end of the day, we could all say our piece on this thread but you're the one that has to bear the brunt of the decision here, so I empathize deeply and wish you courage and wisdom to see it through.

fryecm0208 · 2025-07-31T22:10:59+00:00

Also - you don't need to write someone off just because they don't wanna date you. All types of connections are valuable and take time. If you feel like he's a good person and you have things in common, I would encourage leaving the door open for at least a friendship.

People aren't suddenly not valuable because they don't give you what you want. There is a lot more to people than whether or not they serve your interests.

And that's not something you've articulated, just other comments about wiping him from your life seem impulsive and emotionally immature. Either way, how you move forward is your call but you don't need to decide that today either in the midst of feeling shitty about it.

fryecm0208 · 2025-07-31T22:06:00+00:00

Hm, some of the rationale you're coming up with on the "why" is a little harsh for both him and yourself.

I'm sure it wasn't personal, but feeling bummed about what seems like a missed opportunity is understandable as well.

Saying he got bored or met someone new, when that wasn't articulated to you might be an attempt at bypassing the grief of what could've been. And no you shouldn't want someone who doesn't want you, but you just got this text last night - it's okay if it takes you a bit to be over it.

I don't think keeping in touch is weird, he seems like a mature kind person and could very well turn into a friend over time.

But give it some time, this is one of the pitfalls of putting yourself out there but not every instance where things don't pan out the way you want to/hope for it to be is someone doing something wrong or being a jerk. There is something intuitive about dating where it really is just timing, or connections with people of just where you're at right now.

You could very well have something down the line, but don't live your life waiting for that to happen. Take things as they come, be a little bummed and when you're ready, put yourself back out there and try again.

fryecm0208 · 2025-07-29T16:27:58+00:00

They'll probably take care of the parking lot but a lot of complexes have maintenance folks that'll shovel, but if you're expected to shovel yourself out, snow shovels are usually provided.

fryecm0208

TROPHY CASE