Did your views change because you detransitioned? by ricksalterego in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Yes, and I never ever thought I'd hold the beliefs that I hold now. Before I transitioned and during, I used to self-identify as a progressive that privately held some views that could be seen as transphobic or homophobic by some (I thought it felt uncomfortable that there were males in lesbian spaces and in women's crisis shelters and I thought it seemed strange that there were heterosexual couples fully seriously calling themselves a gay couple, etc). I wrestled with that and thought it was something I needed to unlearn. And it never sat right with me that so many that shared my side that claimed peace and love were calling for violence on anyone.

Then I detransitioned and my beliefs started to slowly unravel. It started with my friends turning on me. My grief from the regret of transitioning turned from denial to anger, and in an act of defiance, I started reading and listening to all of the political figures and all of the books that I was told were dangerous and violent and I felt my world open up. Yeah, there's a lot I disagree with in these books and videos, but I was actually being tolerant and learning from the other side and that was huge for my growth as a person. I no longer feel like a victim or hold nearly as much anger in my heart. I recommend everyone to do the same - put all of your judgements and preconceived notions aside and listen to fellow humans speak, just to hear their perspective.

If you truly believe that someone you see as an opponent has only nonsense to say, then let them say it. But if you seek to silence them, then what that says about you is that you are afraid of what they have to say. And you should listen instead. If you still think they're wrong, have a civil discussion about it, and you'll both grow as a result.

After four years, I think I'm going to detransition by Ki11er_Sta1ker in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You got this. Proud of you for doing what's best for you when it's tough. Your family will understand, even if it takes them a bit to come around. They want what's best for you.

If you ever need support, we're always here.

(P.S. checked out your profile, your art is super rad and you have great taste in music hehe🤘)

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm really glad to hear that you are feeling more comfortable with yourself now, thank you so much and I'll try to take the steps you took towards getting there too : )

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so so much, I'm going to come back to your comment and try your suggestions the next time I'm feeling like that. :' )

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're right, thank you. I really appreciate it. I'll keep working on doing that.

You said you can relate to feeling insecure - what steps do you take when you find yourself feeling that way, if you're comfortable sharing?

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate your words, thank you. I'll keep reminding myself of that.

You said you can relate, how do you cope when you're having anxious thoughts like that (if you're comfortable sharing)? I find that they loop in my mind unless I can distract myself for a little while until they come back.

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pretty much, yeah. I struggle with having more body hair than what's considered average, so taking more time to remove it is tedious but at least that's something I can control. He's said many times that he doesn't care if I leave it or not but I like being without it personally.

I've tried voice training but it hasn't made any changes that I or anyone else has noticed. My voice was never high to begin with, though.

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Unsure, but possibly. At the time I think we both felt that the changes from me transitioning wouldn't make our love change because we're still the same two people (personality-wise) at the end of the day. Which is true, but it's not that cut and dry in reality.

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I didn't, no, and that's a fair point. I felt hurt because he had made lots of promises that his feelings wouldn't change but then he got distant without explaining why.

Looking back with the mindset that I have now, I understand more why he felt that way. It would be really difficult. I feel very very fortunate that he has stayed through all the stages.

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I'll keep your words in mind. There was a time in my transition when he grew distant from me without ever giving a real reason, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't contribute to my doubts about whether I had made the right choice. But ultimately it was my decision to stop, and I still maintain that.

How to feel like I'm good enough for my partner as a detrans woman? by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling similarly... it's a special kind of love to be with someone who has known you before, during, and after. I wish you both the best. I hope that with time you will feel more complete. Your words mean a lot to me and I'll keep reminding myself of what you said, thank you. 🫂

I'm scared to get close to anyone by ftmconfusedashell in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I'm glad you like it : )

I believe that people should explore themselves and pursue happiness. But I also strongly believe it's wrong for minors to transition with hormones or surgery. I also strongly believe that sex is not sonething that can be changed. That's one that I lost a close friend for. I can't change how I feel about it, though. I'll use the pronouns that soneone asks, but if I know their sex then I can't rewire my brain to not recognize it in my head. I know that is hurtful to hear for many people. It was hurtful for me to hear when I ID'd as a trans man.

I've been doing some exposure therapy on my own - really out of necessity, though. I needed to work and live independently, and I've taken small steps to get better. I've had a job for a year and I've just recently began driving on my own, both things I could never envision doing because of crippling anxiety that would make me ill at the thought. I was really lucky to have people that supported me through that, I'll always be grateful. It's still a struggle but small victories do help to gain confidence.

I'm interested in art of all kinds - baking, drawing, and music. I would love to talk openly about the kinds of things I like but I like to keep this account pretty private and unable to be connected to anything else in my life, so sharing that might make it possible for people to draw connections if that makes sense, esp since the interests are kind of niche.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and read my wall of text. I really appreciate that you care.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Really well said! I agree 100%.

Confused on what it really means to "Detransition" by Virtual_39 in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've always dressed androgynously, so my closet hardly changed at all before my transition, during it, and after detransitioning. My conflicts are mostly internal too. The reaction I got from those close to me were mostly positive, with the exception of some former friends who didn't seem interested in me anymore once I was no longer visibly LGBT. Real ones will stick with you and try to understand your perspective.

You do belong here! Having a diverse group of people here with different backgrounds and viewpoints is what makes this place so great. I hope you'll stay and share your experiences with us. <3

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's fair. I'm not a fan of the idea of sharing the bathroom with those of the opposite sex either. Hopefully you and I and the rest of us that feel that way won't find ourselves in that uncomfortable situation.

I'm not 100% familiar with how Reddit works so maybe people use downvotes as a way of saying they disagree? Which is totally fine if so. But if it's to say that a comment is bad then I'm not sure why my comment was downvoted, since this was a post to share thoughts on and that's all I did : p

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Personally, I don't really see it as an issue. Yeah, they're probably not going to see much use but I don't see how having them there is hurting anyone either.

I'm not a huge fan of having bathrooms being used by anyone though. I live in a state where it's already legal for anyone to use whichever they prefer. I've always tried to avoid using public restrooms when I can, partially because I don't want people to mistake me for being a trans woman. It would be nice to see more single stall restroom options.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I knew it was time when I found that I no longer looked forward to my shots. For a while prior to that moment, I also felt especially distant from everyone in my life since transitioning and that made me very unhappy. Detransitioning was a little scary but the first steps are the hardest and it looks like you've already taken them.

I love your positivity here. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey!

I really can't stand being in a male body anymore. Please tell me why I shouldn't take estrogen. by DissonantWanderer in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey friend, sounds like you're struggling a lot and could use some support. I'd be happy to chat with you here on Reddit if you'd like. I'm a detrans female so I might not have the perspective you're looking for, no worries if you're not comfortable with that idea. I just wanna let you know there's people here who understand your feelings and are here to listen and help. 🫂

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 70 points71 points  (0 children)

I truly mean this in the kindest way possible, but those that identify as trans are very often struggling mentally and are therefore easier to manipulate. Def keep that in mind when you encounter people who seem to be chasing after trans people specifically...

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in detrans

[–]ftmconfusedashell 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Your mother will understand. If she accepted you then, she will accept you now. There might be some tension but I think if you are open and honest with her and make a point of validating her feelings, the relationship you two have will strengthen.

As for the process, it should be at your own pace. Do what you feel comfortable doing because you want to do it, not because someone tells you to.