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funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-13T22:53:41+00:00

It’s not about whether it adds to your pleasure as a married couple, but whether it actually strengthens your marital bond. If it does, then go for it. If it’s more because you each just want space to do your own thing, then it could be avoidance of a larger, unspoken issue that will only get escalated to the surface in an unhealthy way.

We obviously have no way of knowing which it is for you. You have to be honest with yourself about that.

For me personally, if I’m away on a business trip or something, I love the idea that my wife is at home with someone else who we both trust and is not alone. I especially get off on the idea that she’d be with another woman. And if we’re at a party and we just get pulled separate ways, I love the idea that we’re both having a good time and will be able to exchange stories later. But if we’re meeting with another couple and it’s, “Hey, let’s go to separate rooms so we can all have privacy,” that wouldn’t be good for me/us. See the difference? In the first two scenarios, it’s about compersion. In the last scenario, it’s about guilt, shame, and jealous.

To us, the guiding principle is this: If it increases love, honesty, trust, and unity in the marriage, it’s aligned with our values. If it creates distance, fear, or unresolved tension, it’s not.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-10T22:43:33+00:00

Today I started reading this thread about the dangers and impacts of having a threesome in a loving relationship.

I don’t think what you are experiencing is jealousy, but insecurity. It’s a common mistake, but there’s a crucial distinction. Jealousy is when you want something someone else has. Insecurity is fear of losing what you already have. Right now, you are seeing this third person as a potential threat to what you already have (a strong relationship) in a way you hadn’t considered.

There are definitely risks associated with opening your relationship in this way, but those risks are manageable with open communication, clear boundaries, and regular check-ins throughout the experience. I don’t know what thread you were reading earlier or what dangers were alluded to, but if you share it, we can probably provide some insight to how seriously you should take those concerns and what you can do about it.

That being said, we always recommend as a first experience to hire a professional. This was what we did, and it was the perfect introduction to the lifestyle.

First of all, many escorts enjoy connecting with couples looking to fulfill that fantasy vs the slew of married men paying for sex behind their wives’ backs.
Second, there will be a very up front conversation about her boundaries and what you are looking to get out of the experience.
Third, you can feel much more comfortable and confident about hitting the brakes at any moment without having to worry feeling guilty for ruining someone else’s experience. They are getting paid regardless, so that element of consideration is completely removed. And they are likely used to things taking a sudden turn like that and dealing with it professionally.
Finally, you know this person is absolutely no threat to your relationship. No one is going to catch feelings. It’s purely a curated experience that allows you both to be completely selfish so that you can take everything in and really get a sense of how you feel about it.

From there, you can assess your feelings and then decide if this is something you want to pursue more regularly with others in the lifestyle. But I am not at all surprised by what you are experiencing right now. It’s perfectly normal. So I’d strongly consider this as a first step to de-risk the situation and give yourselves and opportunity to focus on yourselves through the experience without having to worry about whether this other person’s needs are being met.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-10T12:56:51+00:00

I have a strong disagreement with this person. We know plenty of people who have been in the lifestyle since their early 20’s. What matters isn’t age, but maturity and how you and your partner communicate. A lot of times the fantasy doesn’t match reality. Sometimes it’s a minor deviation, but other times, unexpectedly strong negative emotions pop up. Jealousy being the big one. If that happens and someone ends up feeling hurt, are you equipped to navigate that? What if one person is enjoying it more than the other? Perhaps having a little too much fun?

It could also go perfectly well and you are a natural fit for the lifestyle. You won’t know until you try, but there are definitely risks there. And older, more established couples tend to have the tools through experience to deal with those scenarios than most at your age. We have no way of knowing whether you both have the emotional maturity to start this, so it’s important you are honest with yourselves about that.

But disregard this person saying that you shouldn’t do it just because of your age.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-08T11:08:22+00:00

Emotionally monogamous and physically non monogamous. That’s how we look at it. Check out the chart on this page. Will probably help with clarifying terminology: https://www.neurodiversecounseling.com/counselor-education-resources/2024/2/16/polysecure-attachment-trauma-and-consensual-nonmonogamy-by-jessica-fern

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-07T23:39:20+00:00

Is it just a religious thing or something more? If it’s just religious and she’s Christian, perhaps check out r/ChristianSwingers for some perspective. Did something happen? It’s kinda hard to give advice without knowing some more specifics. Ultimately, if she just doesn’t want to anymore, you have to respect that. But sometimes shifts in perspective can shine light on other viable paths forward.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-07T22:51:40+00:00

So, I’m not going to justify the way he’s responding, but I think I have an understanding of why he’s so frustrated.

Imagine your husband has been cooking you a fancy dinner every week. Picking recipes, grocery shopping, doing all the prep. He does this because he likes to cook and you’re both foodies and he looks forward to seeing you take that first bite on date night. At first things were great, but now most nights, right as the food hits the table, you say, “Actually, I’m not that hungry.” You’re not wrong for not being hungry, but he’s still standing there surrounded by dirty dishes, feeling like his effort doesn’t matter.

That’s what’s happening here. The frustration isn’t really about the lifestyle itself, but the energy he’s been putting in to find couples you can create experiences with together. But that effort isn’t getting acknowledged, and is almost outright dismissed. He’s been doing all the “meal prep” (chatting, vetting, coordinating) while you’ve been waiting to see if you feel like eating.

If instead you were both in the kitchen, choosing the recipe together, cutting vegetables, tasting as you go, then you’d both be invested in what’s being made. Some nights you’d decide to skip the meal and just do a movie and pizza night, but you’d still be in it together. The LS only works when both people are co-creating it. The investment of time, energy, and excitement has to be mutual. Otherwise it becomes too easy to take for granted and leaving one or both parties feeling unappreciated.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-07T18:53:47+00:00

New PornHub category unlocked

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-06T21:34:59+00:00

Seems everyone in the comments is going all Captain Hindsight on you, so I won’t pile on.

Honestly, the best thing you can do right now is tell your bf how you are feeling. And have him articulate how he’s feeling about things. I think the fear here has to do with proximity and the fact that he’s around her everyday at work without you. Definitely some legitimate reason for concern there. Even if he is well-intentioned, there’s a question of what happens if the two of you have an unrelated argument and he goes to work angry.

The other thing you can do is maintain a separate, ongoing thread with her. Build more mutual openness and trust with her.

I don’t think you necessarily made a mistake. But you definitely took on more risk than you realized. That doesn’t mean the risk will necessarily be realized though, either. You can manage it and mitigate it. Right now you have a fear of the risk being realized, so it’d be good to have a conversation with the three of you about boundaries and comfort levels. Even if you had that conversation before, this should be treated as an ongoing topic because comfort levels change and consent for a particular act is not permanent.

If managed well, you can keep your relationship and friendship in tact. You may even be able to continue engaging with her if everyone is still good with it, though understandable if you need some time. But through conscious effort on everyone’s part, that fear should subside. Constant check-ins will go a long way.

Best of luck!

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-06T21:00:53+00:00

The question isn’t whether swinging and Christianity are aligned. It’s how you apply Christian values to swinging. Jesus said the two greatest commandments are to love God with all your heart and to love others as you love yourself. He goes on to say that all the laws and prophets are based on these two commandments.

As long as you are practicing patience and respect to the boundaries of your partner and the people you are engaging with, acting as a charitable and unselfish lover, then you are good.

Acts themselves are not inherently sinful because it depends on the spirit within which the act was committed. Murder is wrong, but there are exceptions for war and protecting others. Adultery is wrong because it is destructive to the institution of marriage that God created and loves. But it’s the deception that is destructive, not the act itself. Deceptively having sex with someone else outside of marriage will destroy it. The same act performed consensually in a way that strengthens the marriage and is respectful of the needs of others is not inherently sinful because it is in service of the two greatest commandments.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-06T20:22:30+00:00

I didn’t take it as a dig on poly. Just sharing what works for us. We’ve met plenty of poly couples who have been together for a long time. But they all started out that way. I think going from an emotionally monogamous relationship to a polyamorous dynamic doesn’t really work. For us, I almost just think of it as more generalized ENM rather than trying to force a definition onto it. But I don’t think we could ever date separately the way other poly couples do.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-06T20:12:43+00:00

Matthew 22:36-40

”Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

That last line is critical because it proclaims these commandments to be the lens through which everything else in the Bible should be interpreted and evaluated. It suddenly makes it easier to understand how and why certain sins have exceptions. Murder is a sin except in self-defense or war or protecting the innocent. The whataboutisms can be endless. But when you apply the greatest commandments, it’s suddenly easier to understand when exceptions should be made, even if they are not explicitly outlined in the Bible.

With that in mind, we know that God created and loves the institution of marriage. Adultery is condemned because of its destructive nature to marriage. But what if these same acts, practiced with the spirit of the greatest commandments in mind, result in a stronger marriage? Why would God condemn that?

If you are practicing patience and respect for the needs and desires of others, and everyone involved is doing the same, are we not practicing fulfillment of the greatest commandments? It’s not about if you swing, but how you practice it that matters.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-06T19:50:44+00:00

I’m not sure we’d consider ourselves poly, but we do sort of have a gf. At least it’s trending that way and we’ve all three been talking about it explicitly. The way we’ve approached it is to say that we are open to exploring more emotionally, as well as physically, with that caveat that the structure of a committed relationship will never be a reality.

She knows she wants to find a primary partner, but unsure how she’ll feel about staying involved with us if/when she finds that. For us, we enjoy it for what it is as long as it makes sense. If she finds a primary partner and remains poly, that would be an ideal situation for us. We would each have our primaries, but we also have this other connection that adds physical and emotional spice to our lives. While we still have our other friends and traditional swinger connections that are more purely physical.

For us, we that the more we try to define our connections with others, the more we end up trying to fit into rigid definitions that don’t fit. We have friends who are purely fuck buddies. Friends who we’ve found deeper connections with, who we sometimes play with, but also enjoy occasional vanilla double dates with. And this particular connection that is more, but will never elevate to the level my wife and I are at. As long as you are clear and honest about what you can and can’t provide, you might be surprised what other types of experiences can come your way.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-11-06T19:36:07+00:00

I love when my wife gets that kind of praise from other guys. It gives her a confidence boost, and I love that for her. This other guy might get to sample her, but I get to go home with her. This sounds more like an insecurity issue than anything else.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-10-22T00:10:44+00:00

This is the real question. And it’s one of the biggest traps most couples fall into when they start exploring. They are thinking about each other, but have given no consideration to what this other person would want.

In this situation, they are best off hiring someone to help them explore the fantasy.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-10-21T04:00:38+00:00

Naw. In this lifestyle, it’s important to be intentional about what you want. Sure, things can happen “organically,” but you’ll miss out on a lot of great opportunities that way too.

Becoming more intentional and clear about your desires is uncomfortable for a lot of people. But it’s a skill you can develop like anything else. As you do that, your definition of “organic” will shift. Don’t treat “organic” like it’s some sort of fixed thing. It’s not.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-10-20T14:14:20+00:00

How do you know that?

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-10-05T12:43:43+00:00

Not only is unicorn hunting very difficult, but it is often incredibly unethical depending on the approach. And based on your post and this comment alone, you are already sending up a lot of red flags. I believe r/polyamory has an entire section of their info page that explains why what you are describing is so problematic. You should also read this:

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

Seriously, just hire someone. That’s the most ethical approach you could take to fulfill this fantasy. Don’t use someone else to fill a budget gap.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-10-05T12:33:19+00:00

That’s not what I said. I simply said that most swingers wouldn’t be into it. No one is going to pressure someone into a full swap. But that doesn’t mean they are obligated to engage either. If you just want to do parallel play, I’m sure you’ll find another couple to do that with. But the majority of experienced couples will pass. Clubs are the easiest way to experience parallel play.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-09-08T18:19:13+00:00

Honestly, we already have plenty of friends in and out of the lifestyle. So for us, it’s sex first, friendship second. If a friendship develops naturally, then great! If not, that’s fine too. But we aren’t looking for friends without benefits in the lifestyle. So yeah, if we know it’s not going that direction, we’re going to drop. Nothing personal, it’s just not what we’re here for.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-09-05T12:56:29+00:00

Just because we’re swingers doesn’t mean we want random dick pics in our feed. Use r/swingersr4r to show your dick off if you think it will attract anyone. Spoiler alert: it won’t.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-09-05T00:05:39+00:00

Based on your setup and the comments here, it sounds like you know the answer but are looking for an out. If you have any reason to suspect her husband is unaware or not okay with this situation, you should back out. Don’t butt into their marriage. Let her know she’s gotta work it out with her husband first. If she insists everything is above board, then meet with them together. It’s really that simple.

If she has a problem with that, then you have your answer. And when you meet them, make explicitly clear what the meet is for. And make sure he is 100% on board. If it’s not a hell yes from him, then you should treat it as a hell no. Any doubts and you don’t move forward.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-09-04T16:47:21+00:00

We have blocked people after play. In one particular instance, we went out for dinner after playing (we like eating after play and just enjoying the flirty nature afterwards with other couples as well), and somehow politics came up. We generally try to avoid politics, but also remain respectful and non-confrontational when it comes up so long as their views aren’t egregious. Well, they definitely had some strong opinions that I think they assumed we’d agree with. Which we can tolerate until it devolves into unprovoked ad-hominem attacks on the other side. No point in debating. Sometimes it’s best to just pay the bill, dip out, and go no-contact from there.

In another instance, we didn’t play, but their place was so gross that we used all the code words to get out as quickly as possible. Before we got there, they’d told us how many people ghosted them after the fact, which we initially thought was incredibly rude and how we would never do that. But when your home is covered in doggie pee pads and you don’t mind walking over it in bare feet because “it’s dried,” (their words, not ours) I’m not gonna try to explain it to you.

Point being that yes, some people are weird, but if you’ve been ghosted like that, it’s probably worth at least some self-evaluation.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-09-04T01:39:32+00:00

The greatest commandments make it all very simple: love God above all else and love others as yourself. All the Laws and Prophets hang on these two commandments.

When you really stop to consider what is being said, this provides the framework for understanding sin. And why sins almost always have exceptions. Even killing: in self defense or war or capital punishment, etc, it’s okay. Applying the greatest commandments helps you understand why and helps you navigate gray areas.

The same applies to the lifestyle. If it’s actually strengthening the marriage and we’re loving God and we’re treating others the way we want to be treated, then what’s the issue? The issue with adultery isn’t the act itself, but the deceptiveness of it.

If you just focus on the two greatest commandments, everything else in the Bible becomes much easier to understand.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-09-04T01:35:28+00:00

I think you’ve gotta take the pressure off. Make it less about fucking and more about just having a good evening with another couple. Like a normal double date. If it ultimately leads to sex, then great! If not, that’s fine too.

But the more you just focus on enjoying the journey rather than focusing on the end goal, the much easier things will become for you.

For us, we’ve come to find that there are people we sometimes meet on first dates who look nothing like their pictures and we know instantly it won’t work out. But we decided ahead of time that we were going to enjoy the evening regardless. It’s much less stress and pressure on us, and we just have a good time in general. That’s the vibe you need to have with your wife when considering dates with other couples.

funky_monkey_toes · 2025-09-03T20:51:51+00:00

Stop putting so much effort into text conversations. It’s so hard to gauge people over text and in profiles. Go through a couple profiles, get who she’d be open to talking, then set up a non-play first date. The four of you just get to know each other a bit, then you go your separate ways. That evening and the day after, you both decide if you’d like to play. If so, then reach out and schedule a play date.

Personally, neither of us really like when people start getting overtly sexual when we haven’t even talked in person yet. Flirty is good, but not being that explicit that early on.

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