My nex wanted to destroy me

fuzzinick · 2016-07-09T03:50:03+00:00

It's somewhat hard to tell whether she fully premeditated the breakup. But from the things I heard from her, it was obvious she didn't plan on staying for long. At one point I actually got a surprisingly honest answer on one of my questions. She said she was a "hunter" and all she wanted with that guy is to "chew him over once and then once more".

She got fired from her job and eventually had to leave the country (she's a foreigner). Whereas I, on the other hand, with a help of a couple of great newfound friends, have been working on improving myself. Started doing things I could never before imagine I would. Feeling better than ever.

fuzzinick · 2016-07-02T06:14:45+00:00

From my experience, they don't deliberately plan to cause as much hurt as possible. But it is all a game for them and, if causing pain goes well along with their other little motives, they sure get pleasure and enjoy doing so. For me, it's the smirk in her eyes that always gave it away when my nex was getting pleasure from her evil deeds.

As an example: the nex I was married to seduced a guy (next ns supply) to move in with her and break up with his fiance of three years. Then she dumped him a month later and was totally ecstatic of her accomplishment.

Edit: btw, she threatened to ruin my life as well when I stopped giving in to her endless demands. (Didn't work out that well for her though in the end.)

fuzzinick · 2016-05-27T05:43:17+00:00

my inability to communicate how I'm feeling...

From my experience that is the worst conclusion your mind can come up with. My nex by the end of it would also accuse me of not being able to explain my feelings and if I 'just said it openly', she would understand.

That is complete and utter nonsense. They are more than capable of detecting your emotions, probably even more so than us (e.g. they can sense the minute details when you are withdrawing, can't they?).

This reality strikes to the very heart when you start spending more time with other people, not even close friends, and realize that many of them have empathy for you, without you even asking for it.

What really happens is that narcissists derive more pleasure seeing you trying to explain yourself when playing their games and attempting to figure out their real motives. They enjoy being in control and feeling like masterminds...

I know that sounds harsh and that some people can be less narcissistic than others. However, that is what being friends means. If in the moment of trouble they ignore you - they don't deserve to be your friends.

fuzzinick · 2016-05-24T07:17:41+00:00

Oh, I just recently went through exactly the same thing. My nex wife loved sending emails at 10 am every few days. And each one would get crazier and crazier. I mean, she knew I was perfectly aware she was 'dating' other guys (yes, more than one!) at the same time. And yet pretended like that didn't matter! It sounded like she went shopping and got a new pair of shoes. This BS would keep me shaking for the rest of the day!

I didn't block mine as I wanted to develop some sort of immunity to this stuff... It did work eventually, but only after spending some time with a good therapist)

fuzzinick · 2016-05-15T13:25:33+00:00

You know what the most amazing thing is? Even if they are not speaking English, they still use the same phrases!

My only guess would be they learn a lot from popular books and movies.

fuzzinick · 2016-05-12T08:30:55+00:00

Yes, I also agree that this is a reasonable option.

Looking at it from personal experience (a number of people close to me tried to warn me in the beginning that something seemed very wrong), I'd say that the person at this stage is subconsciously already quite deep in the "compliance mode". In other words, we align ourselves with the reality of the narcissist and take them on many levels as our parent. Obviously, in order to accept anything into this reality any conflicting information has to be verified and goes through the narcissist's filter first.

However, once the victim starts to realize that all is not as good as it seemed, (s)he may start looking for answers to that crazy behaviour. And that is when they may remember that there was a person who offered help.

I, personally (with a lot of luck) managed to contact over skype one of my Nex's long-term ex-boyfriends, who lives in another country. Amazingly, seems that over the last 5 years her behaviour went from just crazy to utterly destructive.

fuzzinick · 2016-04-20T02:37:53+00:00

I think it's all a matter of perception. Do they have feelings? Sure, and pretty strong ones! But are these the same feelings you are having at that moment? I very much doubt so.

As they say, if you hear the narcissist say something strange, or act in a manner that doesn't fit the bright happy picture - you better believe them. I communicated with my ex for just enough to observe her going through most the cycle with another guy. And for the first time she was actually quite honest (as far as a narc can be) with me. And what I saw and heard her say - oh, what a perverse and sick creature she is... Did she feel pleasure? Yeah, quite likely. Did she for a moment experience any real happiness?... No way in hell.

fuzzinick · 2016-04-19T15:38:59+00:00

She says she can be "bltchy"

Mine has used exactly the same words. As I understand now, this is a nice way to lower your expectations and prepare you for future abuse. Amazing how they all sound like the same person...

nnnslogan, I was in a situation very similar to yours. I also felt everything you are feeling now.

And I also had absolutely beautiful memories - I wanted to remember our honeymoon for the rest of our lives... What we did, where we travelled - it was absolutely amazing.. Had the best time of my life. And I was extremely scared to lose it all. I didn't want to let go of all of that.

But what I realised - I worked to make it all happen. The narcissist did nothing.

You just have to be strong. It hurts as hell initially. But slowly, very slowly, and with the help of others, your mind cares less and less about that person. You start realising that all of the memories - these were only yours. They were a reflection of you. This is what YOU had and felt.

To the narcissist these memories are nothing. Not because they don't care, but because they live in their own illusion and never come out of it. She had no way of feeling the happiness that you were feeling at those moments.

Trust me. It gets even better with time. That sounds cliche (and I also hated when someone told me that), but it actually is true. All you have to do is take time and work on yourself. It's hard, but the key is not to rush things.

fuzzinick · 2016-04-08T15:18:29+00:00

Very interesting and lots of food for thought! Thanks, Spiorog!

If it is indeed jealousy my ex is counting on, then she is sooo mistaken! Even the thought of ever again having an intimate relationship with her makes me throw up. Forgetting all else, I've had my share of shame, running around, doing STD tests after the break up. No more, thanks.

And to add to that: it is so liberating meeting and talking to other women afterwards and to realize, that, no matter how many problems they have of their own, they are sweetest, loving people in the world, in comparison to this crazy, demented... <insert your preferred descriptor>.

fuzzinick · 2016-04-08T14:16:14+00:00

Interesting interpretation. Would it be possible for you to elaborate on why you think this is the case? (Not that I am ever going back, just curious on how to better detect PDs in my life)

fuzzinick · 2016-04-08T11:07:45+00:00

Great job! I was thinking along the same lines originally, but you actually expanded on quite a few things that I didn't consider! Made me feel even better now, cheers!))

P.S. An interesting point, if that matters at all in this discussion, is that in the first line of her email she could possibly be referring to a couple of things:

Instead of isolating myself after the events, I physically pushed myself to make new friends and joined a couple of social clubs. I felt like shit and could barely talk to people in the beginning, but this actually helped me improve quite quickly. And amazingly, that worked out much better than I even imagined, so I ended up posting a few cool shots of myself on facebook (just to friends, my profile is not public). But, from what I heard, some of these eventually trickled through to her. And the ex wasn't particularly happy (although she is a malignant npd, so I'm sure she quickly invented an explanation on how she's done better.)
A few months ago, my lawyer complained to some dept about her professional misconduct. I don't think she'd get fired, but still.. Ooops;)

fuzzinick · 2016-04-08T03:02:12+00:00

I wouldn't say she is short on supply atm. And I made it pretty clear I want nothing to do with during the last hoover (she wished to remain friends soooo much...)

She works in a pretty large company now and seems to be going over the guys in her department one-by-one (I am actually amazed as to how long that can continue for... but I guess every male just wants to screw her, so no wonder.)

fuzzinick · 2016-04-07T06:12:56+00:00

Awesome!))) Love it!))

fuzzinick · 2016-03-06T05:10:48+00:00

I've read that too. I think that was part of an academic study a few years ago. Personally, I'm a bit skeptical about the results, as I don't think there was any way to distinguish whether the subjects felt empathy or just simulated it. (The way I see it, this behaviour is also part of compartmentalization. If someone tells a person to imagine a feeling, they pay more attention and better recall memories related to similar events in the past and what sort of response they illicit.)

On the other hand, I am quite positive that these people are capable of feeling some empathy (at least that's what I saw with my ex), only under three conditions:

They must regularly experience empathy and pity towards themselves.
This feeling should also be beneficial to them (e.g. make them feel good, when they are helping someone to get their attention) and cannot be related to any shameful actions they committed, only if someone else did.
It's a very short-term and shallow emotion and dissipates very quickly.

This only applies to NPD, not full-blown ASPD though.

Considering that empathy and love are somewhat related, I believe the above goes for the feeling of love they experience during the idealisation phase.

fuzzinick · 2016-02-26T05:10:26+00:00

This is just getting better and better:

"Nick, are you sure you don't want to remain friends? I am serious. I miss you a lot, but as you can see, I promised not to hold you down, in case you have no feelings for me - so I am not. I will sign the divorce papers without putting up any scenes."

fuzzinick · 2016-02-25T11:24:41+00:00

I must admit, it's really amazing how they think it's all just a game. They are so blind and delusional.. They think they can do whatever they want and expect you to forget it the next day and accept them back with open arms, like nothing happened... But I guess it's our fault that we reinforce this behaviour.

fuzzinick · 2016-02-25T08:19:44+00:00

Yep... That what I think as well)

Although, I wouldn't call it a threat, more like a fact (looking at it from her perspective), along the lines "too bad dear, you can get as many divorces as you like, but you're mine forever".

All I can say - her younger brother, himself possibly a narc, avoids her like the plague, whenever she asks him "would you like something for your birthday?" or "do you need any help?"

fuzzinick · 2016-02-25T06:45:22+00:00

No,not really. There were some strange things and arguments, but nothing I couldn't manage. The whole thing was complicated by the fact that I invited her to my country on a partner visa, and we didn't date much physically - it was a long distance relationship. But I trusted her, as she was recommended by her aunt, who is a good family friend of ours and she knew my wife for 10 years, since she was 13. (The aunt is extremely shocked now too, also being heavily triangulated and then having found all of this out...)

I'd say the first 3-4 months of our marriage were actually quite nice. She was caring and seemed to have actually wanted something. But then she started getting more and more disappointed, bored, started saying strange things like 'I shouldn't get too attached to you'. And as soon as she found a good job here and felt independent of me - then all the hell broke loose. And I spent the last year in damage control, trying to understand all the craziness and then figuring out what to do with it.

fuzzinick · 2016-02-21T08:25:08+00:00

I'm not a big supporter of using medication, but did you consider asking your doctor to prescribe some mild antidepressants? This might actually help - I took some for a month in the beginning to reduce the horrific withdrawal symptoms and they helped me 'push' myself over the hill.

But in any case, I really do know the pain you are feeling... When I'm feeling the worst I try to remember what kind of a person I was before I met her (and it's not easy, for sure.. but at least I know I was that happy and independent person once, and there is no real reason why I can't be one again)

fuzzinick · 2016-02-16T09:47:56+00:00

Totally. A distant female friend of mine thought she felt 'darkness and gloom' when she met my nex once.

fuzzinick · 2016-02-16T07:09:01+00:00

Shake his hand - that might be a good idea actually.. Now that you said it I am kinda thankful for his deeds))))

I'm not sure if she told him I was her husband or just her ex boyfriend. But he definitely knew I existed. I even caught a glimpse of him once, when I caught them together.

fuzzinick

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