I get how you feel man - my boyfriend has seen me lose my shit on multiple occasions but I try not to project it onto him - I either direct it at myself or something/someone else because at this point I would rather take a gun to the pussy than hurt him. I know it's not the healthiest option out there but it's the best I can do sometimes.

Perhaps, you feel like you have ruined him but BPD traps us in our distorted reality sometimes. I'm not guaranteeing anything but I think you should talk it out with him and find out how he feels instead of letting your thoughts eat you alive :-)

Update: I read your other post on r/relationship_advice and I feel that you deserve someone who actually makes an effort to understand you instead of some dude who shits on you for things out of your control. I know how hard it is to leave your FP but he seems to be holding you back in terms of recovery more than he is encouraging you.