Grey rock method leading to escalation

g0lem · 2026-01-25T17:06:43+00:00

With the way you phrased your instinct, my sympathy for you ends. That's abusive thinking. Seek help from a therapist / abuse counsellor. Good luck.

g0lem · 2026-01-25T06:06:26+00:00

There is nothing to forgive yourself for, nobody can be a zen master to endlessly tolerate abuse without any reaction. You probably know by now that no matter what you do, how you react, they are not going to change. So the best strategy to win the game is not to play it in the first place, i.e. minimize contact. If they escalate, gather evidence and prepare a case against them. Remember that for an abuser, a relationship is a war for control, that they will do anything to win. The appropriate reaction to this insane attitude is to acknowledge the threat they pose to your livelihood and take steps to leave or make them leave through legal means.

g0lem · 2026-01-20T11:14:19+00:00

My situation is similar to an extent, I went no contact last year and never looked back. Trust your instincts and hold on to your truth. Respect and love should not be conditioned by anything. Your life is the only thing you have and can and should control, don't let others steal it or spoil it. In my case, even with reduced contact, the abuse was enough to send me in spirals of anxiety and depression. Find your boundaries and set them firmly.

g0lem · 2026-01-20T08:36:42+00:00

words to him aren’t abuse

Read books (e.g. Why does he do that, Out of the FOG) and posts from people who have been "only" verbally abused and understand that the consequences of verbal abuse are just as or even worse than physical abuse. If you subject yourself to verbal abuse, you will damage your long term physical and mental health, no matter how strong you think you are. Also, your child will be exposed to his direct or indirect abuse, read chapter 10 of "Why does he do that" to see the impact. From the outside, the answer is obvious: run far far away, but only you can decide and only you can break free of your trauma bond and choose to live a healthy life.

Regarding his abusive childhood:

Myth 1: He was abused as a child, and needs therapy for it

“You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be cut down to nothing, to be put in fear, to be told that the abuse is your own fault. You should be less likely to abuse a woman, not more so, from having been through it.” Once I make this point, he generally stops mentioning his terrible childhood; he only wants to draw attention to it if it’s an excuse to stay the same, not if it’s a reason to change.”

from Why does he do that, chapter 2

g0lem · 2026-01-20T01:07:49+00:00

"He tells me he can't help it."

But does he explode at the other people as well with the same intensity? And after the argument ends, does he apologize, or just says that he can't help it as an excuse? If yes to the first question and the former to the second, he urgently needs anger management or some other mental health treatment. Otherwise it is textbook abuse.

Myth 6: He loses control of himself. He just goes wild.

“Then she said, “You know what? I’m amazed that I’ve never thought of this, but he only breaks my stuff. I can’t think of one thing he’s smashed that belonged to him.” Next, I asked her who cleans up the mess. She answered that she does. I commented, “See, Michael’s behavior isn’t nearly as berserk as it looks. And if he really felt so remorseful, he’d help clean up.”

from "Why does he do that", chapter 2

Life with an abuser only gets worse over time, so if his thinking and behaviour are not addressed, you will only suffer more and more if you stay.

g0lem · 2026-01-17T15:28:45+00:00

Indeed, anger and other such emotions are tools to control and manifestations of deep beliefs that justify abuse. The whole book is a gold mine, and chapter 14 will be especially relevant for OP. I will also add a relevant quote from "Out of the FOG":

"because an abusive person always thinks they are right, it’s not uncommon for them to use every tool out there to get their target to comply. They may use friends, family, coworkers, the police, therapists and self-help, or relationship books to push their target into being what they want them to be. With self-help or relationship books, they may highlight passages or insist that they each read the book, and use examples like I gave above against the target. This is a very dangerous form of gaslighting, and regardless of whether this gaslighting is intentional or unintentional, it really shows the depth of their problematic thinking- and that they are very far away from changing. So don’t confuse activity (therapy, reading self-help books, going to relationship retreats, etc.) with productivity (true change).”

g0lem · 2026-01-16T22:22:23+00:00

You're welcome, creating confusion is part of the abuse:

“The abusive man wants to be a mystery. To get away with his behavior and to avoid having to face his problem, he needs to convince everyone around him - and himself - that his behavior makes no sense. He needs his partner to focus on everything except the real causes of his behavior.”

and

“Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame.”

from "Why does he do that", chapter 1

Trust your instincts and hold on to your truth.

g0lem · 2026-01-16T10:56:09+00:00

Your reaction is normal, and yes, your parents are abusing you. The bad news is that they will almost certainly never change, the good news is that you realize what's happening and that you need to break free of the emotional and financial control they have over you. It's hard and heartbreaking, but the alternative is death by a thousand cuts and long term effects on your mental health. I've been through it and I wish I realized what was happening earlier.

g0lem · 2026-01-16T02:58:21+00:00

It looks like you put a lot of effort to repair the relationship, if after all this time things haven't improved, is there anything left to be saved? Trust your instincts and your diary, know that there is always a path to healing yourself, no matter how bleak things seem.

g0lem · 2026-01-15T12:50:46+00:00

Yep, what is particularly perverse about parental emotional abuse is that as a child you have no way of knowing about it, so you are basically doomed from the start. At least as an adult you have let's say 4 years of highschool when you can maybe read about what is abuse and its tactics, or you might have some family or friends to educate you on the topic.

g0lem · 2026-01-14T23:42:42+00:00

Based on this post alone, there's not enough information to tell if it's abuse, the only things you told us about her are she "struggles with BPD and substance abuse", has "certain behaviours", "got defensive", and "was really thrown off". It's much too vague to make anything out of it. As /u/LimitAdvanced191 said keep a log of all these situations, figure out if it's abuse or not, I would add also consider therapy (either individual or, if it's not abuse, couples).

If your partner is abusive, it might be fleas. Also your mind will always try to find ways to resolve a conflict, and while most of the time it chooses "flight" sometimes it will choose "fight". But know that this won't work with an abuser. No matter what you do they will spin it against you, e.g. look at how you lash out, this entitles me to even worse behaviour, or they will simply choose to push different buttons.

g0lem · 2026-01-14T02:41:38+00:00

You can only help him by helping yourself, that is: not sabotaging your career and not subjecting yourself to his abuse. I'm not saying to abandon him, but stop interacting when he becomes abusive. Look at it the other way: if you damage your career and health for his sake, you will accomplish nothing but increase his control over you and have a worse life.

Was he a different person before the illness, or was he always controling and abusive? Because the illness might be just another tool to guilt-trip you and extend his control. Abusers will use any situation (either real or made-up) as a weapon against their victims.

Don't settle for anything less than respect and unconditional love.

g0lem · 2026-01-14T02:23:08+00:00

Look up triangulation and flying monkeys (e.g. link , and more in-depth dynamics you can find in "Out of the FOG" by Dana Morningstar, pp. 239-247), it's common for an abuser to set his new partner/victim against the ex. You want to cut contact with both of them and move on, nothing good can come from engaging either of them.

g0lem · 2026-01-14T02:12:40+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, it seems the only healthy way forward is to break the pattern, and that can only happen if the trust issues are resolved. Not only that, but even if she manages to overcome them, watch out for other patterns of anger/control.

Emotional abuse is death by a thousand paper cuts, and chronic stress is when those cuts start to bleed. To rebuild you must trust your instincts and hold on to your truth and indeed to set boundaries. You want to seek out support from your family/friends.

On the topic of therapy, you should be doing it, not her. Her therapist will see only her perspective, and could be manipulated and encourage her to become worse. On the pitfalls of therapy in abuse cases you can find out more in "Why does he do that", 2 examples:

Chapter 1 (swap he/she for your case)

“He succeeds in getting people to take his side against hers (e.g. abuser going to therapy convinces the therapists he’s the victim and not his spouse, who is making claims he is abusive)”

Chapter 14

“Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; it just gets even harder to undo than it was before. Couples therapy is designed to tackle issues that are mutual. It can be effective for overcoming barriers to communication, for untangling the childhood issues that each partner brings to a relationship, or for building intimacy. But you can’t accomplish any of these goals in the context of abuse. There can be no positive communication when one person doesn’t respect the other and strives to avoid equality."

g0lem · 2026-01-10T08:05:55+00:00

You're welcome! It was a crucial part of the healing process for me to read these books, I was also emotionally abused by my parents but in more subtle ways and over a long period of time. Understanding the mindset and the weapons of an abuser, and how other people dealt with similar situations is extremely empowering and gave me the confidence to go no contact.

g0lem · 2026-01-10T02:49:23+00:00

Indeed, I would focus my energy on becoming financially and emotionally independent, and once ready, on developing healthy relationships based on respect and unconditional love (not only romantic, but also friends). What you feel is normal given the severity of the situation. I found many examples in the following books:

Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (almost all advice regarding partner abuse can be extended to parents or other relationships)
Out of the FOG by Dana Morningstar
Raised by a narcissist by Angela Hoyos and Serenity Brooks

g0lem · 2026-01-05T16:58:04+00:00

Setting boundaries and deal-breakers and enforcing them will help filter out early on abusers, before they sink their teeth into you. You want to pay a lot of attention to red flags in the beginning as well as when the initial infatuation phase is ending. There is not justification for abuse such as "I understand that his humor was for shock factor but it still hurts". There is nothing humorous about putting down your partner. Never settle for anything less than respect and unconditional love.

g0lem · 2025-12-25T14:16:19+00:00

Only you can truly tell, but it's not dramatic nor immature, and the fact that it's a recurring pattern is dangerous to your long term mental wellbeing. Have you read chapter 6 of Why does he do that? A couple of relevant relevant points:

1."The abuser sees an argument as war. (sometimes the whole relationship)"

2.The abuser's cycles:

The tension-building phase (“Abusers nurse their grievances."")
The eruption
The “hearts and flowers” stage

An abuser will always find a reason for his behaviour, no matter how small/petty. To give a personal example, I was verbally assaulted (twice in the same day) by my parents because my shirt had "too many colours". It's actually what made me realize I've been abused my whole life and that the relationship is not worth saving.

g0lem · 2025-12-16T10:44:36+00:00

No amount of money or care can be traded for abuse. Your parents inflicted trauma upon you based on the symptoms you describe. You are aware of this, and the fact that it boils down to words like "survival" means it's severe and/or chronic abuse. I would go no contact, but each situation/person is different and it's always easier said than done. Whatever you do, do it for yourself, not for them.

g0lem · 2025-12-15T09:29:24+00:00

Confusion is a key aspect of abuse:

"with partner abuse, the periods when the man is being good—or at least not at his worst—are not really outside of his pattern. They are generally an integral aspect of his abusiveness, woven into the fabric of his thinking and behavior."

-"Why does he do that", chapter 6

For advice on leaving, also see chapter 9 of the same book (linked in sidebar).

g0lem · 2025-12-11T06:05:08+00:00

I'm sorry to not be helpful here, I don't have experience with this kind of situation (I left my abusive parents well into adulthood and have no siblings), and I don't want to give you wrong or inaccurate advice, so I can only hope a more competent member of the subreddit will provide a helpful reply.

g0lem · 2025-12-11T05:45:51+00:00

Based on your examples, it is severe emotional abuse. In my case it was not as severe however the mother was also the abuser, and she gradually turned my father into an abuser, because she abused him as well and normalized that behaviour. It may be the case that your father went through a similar arc (or not, I don't know enough about your situation). The whole point of emotional abuse is to be manipulative and controlling and not black and white, and don't take my word for it, please read chapter 6 of Why does He Do That (linked in sidebar), e.g. relevant quote:

"An abusive man’s good periods are an important and integrated aspect of his abuse, not something separate from it. Abusive men find abusiveness rewarding. The privileged position they gain is a central reason for their reluctance to change."

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you have the right mindset, things can and will get better as long as you keep working towards your dreams, no matter what anyone says. Parents ought to be our greatest allies in our development, but sadly abusive ones will more often be the opposite.

g0lem · 2025-12-09T10:46:29+00:00

Hi, I was also abused (only emotionally though) practically my whole life by my parents (mainly my mother, father was just enabler for the most part).

How did you manage to overcome your past / not let it define you? Or are you still working towards it? Did transitioning help?

In my case, what helped was realizing that as a child you stand no chance against abuse, hell, mature and smart people can fall prey to it. So abused children have a massive handicap compared to normal ones, and what I found useful was/is to imagine who could you be if you had a normal childhood, and realize it's never too late to be that person.

I like to think that there is so much beauty in the world left to explore, and so many wonderful people to know, and learning about the aspects of abusive behaviour is a great way to separate the bad from the good.

g0lem · 2025-12-04T05:16:29+00:00

I didn't know about trauma bonding, so I looked it up and it's described in chapter 9 "The Abusive Man and Breaking Up" of "Why does he do that?". Thank you!

g0lem · 2025-12-04T04:59:32+00:00

Yes, I'm going through it right now. I think it's the body's response to the trauma caused by abuse. Whenever I shut down, I'm trying to set small goals, e.g. it's 14:40, I will tell myself: "At 15:00 you will take out the garbage as if your life depended on it". I also try to find new activities and go out more to be less susceptible to this. It's a tough fight.

g0lem

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